Is this bad? | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Yesterday at 8:00 am

I was really tired this morning after being up for hours due to pregnancy discomfort. My kids woke up extra early so I offered my 6 year old a quarter to watch his younger sibling (not a baby). Is that bad parenting ?

penguin

Yesterday at 8:06 am

If the older child is reliable & the younger child is not the type to set fires, I think you're doing great!

Does he get to spend it on candy? Now that would be bad parenting... (JK! You do what you gotta do!)

Last edited by penguin on Tue, Oct 15 2024, 10:14 am; edited 1 time in total

PinkFridge

Yesterday at 8:15 am

May this be the worst thing you do!
You may not always want to pay a kid for helping/get a kid used to $ for helping. But I understand how the $ helps a child take it seriously.
And if a child is helping a lot, even if you don't pay, there should be the occasional treat or the like. (Doesn't have to be food, doesn't have to be big $.)
B'shaah tovah!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 8:23 am

amother DarkRed wrote:

I don’t see the issue. Which part is the issue the quarter or asking a 6 year old to help? You were there if needed.

Offering a quarter. I feel like maybe I’m teaching him only to help for instant reward.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Yesterday at 8:25 am

amother OP wrote:

Offering a quarter. I feel like maybe I’m teaching him only to help for instant reward.

I think it's fine in specific instances (like this morning.) In other situations you can teach him to help (like to clean up his toys) without a monetary reward, but as a responsibility (you played with toys, you help clean them up.)

amother

↑ OP ↓

Yesterday at 8:30 am

Chayalle wrote:

He never wants to clean up. Even when I explain about responsibility …

amother

↑ DarkRed

Yesterday at 8:31 am

amother OP wrote:

Offering a quarter. I feel like maybe I’m teaching him only to help for instant reward.

I think it’s fine to offer small things. Think about adults, we mostly feel motivated to work for a benefit. Whether it’s money, or we gain from it, or we enjoy it etc.. that’s how humans are. It’s also how we make kids not resent us and feel overburdened. And extenuating circumstances is not a consistent basis where you are saying only work for instant rewards.

amother

Stone

Yesterday at 8:45 am

I know someone who fell down this slippery slope with her (oldest) son when he was little, and he wouldn't do anything without being bribed.

But I think that sometimes, in extenuating circumstances like this one, you do whatcha gotta do. As long as everyone is safe.

The same way that one Friday when I was in the middle of a very difficult pregnancy and not really functioning, I told my (older) kids that if they wanted Shabbos to happen, there were a list of things that needed to happen today and I can't do any of them. And then I sat there and supervised/directed while one prepped and cooked the chicken, another switched the wet laundry from the washing machine into the dryer...because I literally couldn't move.

You do whatcha gotta do. Just don't get into the habit of doing it. And give him a lot of verbal praise for his help. The main thing shoudn't be the money, it should be Mommy's appreciation of his chessed...

amother

Junglegreen ↓

Yesterday at 8:59 am

It's fine to have him watch the siblings, as long as it doesn't become a daily thing for him to be responsible for his younger siblings. 6 is very little for that.

amother

↑ OP

Yesterday at 9:11 am

amother Junglegreen wrote:

It's fine to have him watch the siblings, as long as it doesn't become a daily thing for him to be responsible for his younger siblings. 6 is very little for that.

That part doesn’t bother me. I made him feel responsible but they were having a blast together. It’s just one sibling and they’re close in age. I was nervous about offering money to do it cuz that’s the only way I could get them out of my room.

amother

↑ Junglegreen

Yesterday at 9:13 am

amother OP wrote:

Even if it doesn't bother you, you need to be careful that it doesn't become his responsibility to watch the younger siblings.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Yesterday at 9:21 am

amother Stone wrote:

I know someone who fell down this slippery slope with her (oldest) son when he was little, and he wouldn't do anything without being bribed.

Or maybe that particular child was difficult and this was the only way to get him to do certain things....it's so easy to blame a mother for her actions rather than evaluate the big picture and consider whether this was a response to his own nature and tendencies.

↑ Chayalle

Yesterday at 9:22 am

amother OP wrote:

He never wants to clean up. Even when I explain about responsibility …

So that's something to work on. He's still young, so normal that he doesn't want to. I have observed that my 7-year-old nephew gives my sister a run for the money in this, too.

amother

Brunette

Yesterday at 9:25 am

amother OP wrote:

Offering a quarter. I feel like maybe I’m teaching him only to help for instant reward.

This is not the type of help that should be expected from a 6 year old, so, no, he’s not learning to only help if he’s rewarded.

amother

Banana

Yesterday at 11:47 am

amother Brunette wrote:

This is not the type of help that should be expected from a 6 year old, so, no, he’s not learning to only help if he’s rewarded.

Can you elaborate?
What types of jobs are expected of what ages, and where is the line drawn between what a child is capable of and what can be expected if them. What kinds of jobs do you pay for cuz its more than can be expected, vs. What is just part of family living and learning responsibility?

Op, I am with the camp of you gotta do what you gotta do, one time won't set a standard, and I think it's awesome that in your morning grogginess after a hard night you had the presence of mind to come up with a safe and responsible plan for happy kids and rest for yourself.

mha3484

Yesterday at 11:50 am

I have been training my children to play by themself Shabbos morning for years with a rotation of incentives. I dont see anything wrong with it.

seeker

Yesterday at 12:24 pm

Cheapest bribe ever lol. You can't even buy a gumball for a quarter anymore!

I say it's fine as a one-off. If you only do it sometimes then it doesn't become an expectation. Sometimes parents decide to do something extra for their kids just because, and/or in appreciation of something extra they did. Surprise, you won the quarter lottery today! Maybe some other time you'll get a surprise sticker. Or a surprise candy. Or no surprise. Life is so fun and surprising that way.