Dd15 - friendships Please guide me!!

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 7:56 pm

My 15 year old dd is more to the shy side and doesn't really have friends in school. She has girls studying with her for tests but not friendships as just schmoozing.. She never really mentioned much about it, here and there we had discussions how she can help herself but she managed.
She went to camp this past summer, she had a grant time bh!! She came home with a few camp friends. She schmoozes with them all day and she seems very happy.
Today she told me she doesn't want to go to school anymore. She has no friends and it's too lonely for her. She started crying that she is having a very hard time with friends. Most classmates have their friends already and she finds herself being alone by recess break.
I tried explaining her that she can technically have relationships because we see she has her friends from camp. But she told me in camp no one knew who and what she is so it was easier but in school her classmates know her already and she can't see a way how to start friendships now so late in the game.
It's more like she got the taste of having friends and she wants it in school too.
How can I help her? I told her to start calling classmates she want to be friends with and try to schmooze or ask some questions about school. But she claims it's stupid cuz she never did it and they will feel that something is wrong.

Please guide me!!!

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 8:04 pm

Do any do her camp friends live in your area? I’d switch her school sounds like she needs a fresh start.

amother

Azure

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 8:04 pm

Is switching schools an option?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 8:08 pm

In 10th grade? Just started a new year? How will I change in middle of the year?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 8:09 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

Do any do her camp friends live in your area? I’d switch her school sounds like she needs a fresh start.

Yes her camp friends live in the same area

amother

Blueberry

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 8:19 pm

She needs to be told that it's ok to call girls she hasn't reached out to before.

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 8:27 pm

amother Blueberry wrote:

She needs to be told that it's ok to call girls she hasn't reached out to before.

I did have that discussion with her. She answered me that most girls are settled already with their friends and now she comes into the picture sounds weird. Her classmates know she never picked up a phone and called. I tried encouraging her that that's part of building a relationship/friendship with classmates and it's ok. As I said before she's more to the shy side so that's extremely hard and uncomfortable for her.
At home all is good and happy cuz she has her camp friends it's just in school that she's having it very hard and now she's singing the song of not wanting to go to school.

amother

Babypink

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 8:38 pm

Have you reached out to the school? If the principal/ mechaneches is warm/ approachable this may be helpful. There are extra curricular activities like play Chagiga choir etc that they could have her join which can open up new opportunities for her.
Having taught 10th grade for many years I can tell you had in no way are social groups final. 10th grade is probably the most tumultuous social year with a lot of social changes happening and there is so much opportunity for a girl to still find her place. She just has to be open to approaching girls ask them to study with her or calling them. I don’t know if she gets social cues or not but if she is someone that misses social cues, it may be helpful to get her some coaching. I don’t know if that’s the extreme here but maybe her teachers have more insight having watched her interact with her classmates. ( The ninthgr teachers will probably be more helpful at this point as the 10th grade teachers only taught her for a couple of weeks)
On your end at home, you can also do things to build up her confidence. Does she have a skill or talent that she d like to pursue? Give her opportunities to do that. Give her opportunities to get together with her camp friends so that helps build that social confidence . Allow her to have friends over or offer to drive them somewhere on a Sunday. You’d Be surprised how popular a girl can be if her mother offers to take her and her friends to a mall or for ice cream….
I’m not sure what type of school or community but if it’s the type of school where girls generally wear certain styles of clothing or have certain trendy items try to get her a couple of those items so that she feels part of things even though it doesn’t build true confidence it does do something …
Just some thoughts… wishing you lots of hatzlacha and patience !

futuredoctor

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 10:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

In 10th grade? Just started a new year? How will I change in middle of the year?

I switched schools in the middle of 9th grade. Not saying this is the right decision for your daughter, just keep in mind that it can be done. I wouldn’t rule it out bec of societal norms or expectations. If you discuss pros and cons and feel it’s the right decision for dd, take the plunge. Don’t wait for her to finish a miserable year.

amother

Tuberose

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 10:26 pm

I know a quiet girl from when I was in HS that used to call any girl that was absent.
Maybe that’s a way to get an “in”.

Just a short phone call saying thinking of you this is what you missed

I always wondered if that helped her stay in the in group even though she was quiet.

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Oct 13 2024, 11:57 pm

A therapist can help guide her with advice on how to create friendships and to see if there is any potential in her current situation.

Changing schools might be a good option.

amother

Junglegreen

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 3:59 am

I made a few solid friends in 10th grade. It’s not so crazy to try to make friend this year.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Oct 14 2024, 4:31 am

Call her high school mechaneches and usually the school try to pair her for the next project with someone who they think might be a good friend!
It gives her the opportunity to spend time one on one with an/other girl/s!
Don't tell your daughter!