I can't forgive. What should I say?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:31 am

amother Cappuccino wrote:

You can forgive her and still have boundaries. If she continues hurting you, you can pull away.

But wouldn't it be better to talk it out than to just pull away? She's a nice, reasonable person.

amother

↑ Copper

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:41 am

amother Black wrote:

Tell her you forgive her and then bring it up after Yom Tov. There really is no other solution given the parameters.

You’re not allowed to say you do if you don’t.

amother

Stoneblue

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:44 am

amother OP wrote:

I hear you. I guess it's not so much about forgiveness in the spiritual sense. As much as my willingness to keep investing in this relationship if this is what she does.

But however much I say I forgive you, if I pull away from the relationship going forward. That's not really forgiveness.

I just want to comment to this because forgiving and forgetting are not the same thing. You can forgive someone but still based on your history not want a relationship

For example, I suffered from CSA from a relative for many years. It took me a long time but I’ve forgiven him for what he did to me and how much damage he caused. I recognize it as a sickness and I truly feel sorry for him that this was the yetzer hara he got in life and wasn’t strong enough to overcome it. I daven every year that he will do teshuva. That being said, I still have zero contact with him and refuse to let him in my life or around my family

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:52 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

I 100% know what you mean. I have those people too. That's why I keep emphasizing that she's a normal person and we have a basically healthy relationship.