I can't forgive. What should I say?

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 7:20 pm

There's someone who hurt me a lot over this past year. I don't think she realizes it. I know she's going to ask me for mechilah in a general way and I'm not sure how I can respond.

I feel like if we had an open conversation about what happened and why I'm upset I would probably understand her better and be able to forgive her maybe. But tomorrow's really busy and there's not going to be the opportunity to have a constructive conversation.

But I don't want to say I forgive her when I don't. I know I could sidestep it but I think there's benefit to bringing it up. But I don't think it's a type. I could just sidestep it now and bring it up in 2 months. That would just be weird. Also, it's hard to get in touch with her.

She's a nice, normal, reasonable person. But I don't want to say I'm upset, let's talk after because then she's going to spend the Yom Tov feeling guilty and scared.

Any ideas?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 7:35 pm

tf wrote:

Oy! How about something like "only if you never do A,B,C your entire life to any human being"? Does it sound fair? This is Real tshuva

It's not that type, I don't really want to be too specific here. She's a good nice person but in the context of our relationship is was very hurtful. And it's kind of become a pattern in our relationship. It wasn't just a one-time thing.

It's the type that if we talk about what happened and why she did what she did and how that hurt me she'll feel really bad and apologize and also explain why she did what she did and I'll feel better. And then she'll be more sensitive in the future towards me in this area.

amother

Copper ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 7:39 pm

As someone who has been in her shoes before I absolutely agree with you saying let’s talk after will kill her over the holiday. But sometimes it’s a chessed to be honest and forthcoming so they can make meaningful changes. It’s not easy but life isn’t easy and sometimes we make awful decisions and need to suffer the consequences. Hopefully it’ll be a kapara for her and nothing worse.

Ruchi

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 7:45 pm

tf wrote:

Oy! How about something like "only if you never do A,B,C your entire life to any human being"? Does it sound fair? This is Real tshuva

This would come across as very harsh and strong, especially when someone was humble enough to ask mechila.

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 7:49 pm

“Thank you so much for asking Michila . I value you as a person and our friendship. There are some things that have hurt me in the past that I really would like to discuss. I recognize today is a busy day. It’s not a huge deal, but I think it would benefit both of us and our friendship if we could have a conversation. Would you want to get together for coffee sometime after? Gmar tov”

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 8:04 pm

Turns out she messaged me instead of calling me. It's not the mass mechilah message - she's expecting a response.

I'm wondering if the best thing to do is not respond now and then reply after Yom Kippur. It'll give me more time to think about what to say too.

She will notice if I don't reply, but I think any reply would probably be worse

amother

Apricot

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 8:15 pm

I had a similar situation once. I knew there would be no time for a real conversation. So I kind of went within myself to find forgiveness without that conversation, focusing on the good in the other person and the positive in our relationship. Trying to shift the focus from the hurt/negative to the positive. And feeling sorry for them that their anxiety makes them irrational sometimes (I know the hurtful behavior stemmed from anxiety and not maliciousness).

It worked enough that I could answer yes truthfully to their general "do you forgive me".

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 8:18 pm

tigerwife wrote:

Just call her now. Why push it off? You’ll both feel better (based on how you mentioned she’d understand if she was aware).

Can't. Just logistically can't.
I wish I could work it out because that would be the perfect solution.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 8:18 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Can you allow for the possibility that she may do true teshuva?

She probably would if she understood what she was doing. Right now I'm assuming she has no idea that the way she does something hurts me.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 8:19 pm

amother Apricot wrote:

I hear you. I guess it's not so much about forgiveness in the spiritual sense. As much as my willingness to keep investing in this relationship if this is what she does.

But however much I say I forgive you, if I pull away from the relationship going forward. That's not really forgiveness.

amother

Wine

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 5:42 am

amother OP wrote:

These are two seperate things.

You can forgive someone but still decide that the relationship doesn't work for you.

Ruchel

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 6:20 am

Ruchi wrote:

This would come across as very harsh and strong, especially when someone was humble enough to ask mechila.

not if it is deserved. Depends what you did

↑ tf

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:18 am

Ruchi wrote:

This would come across as very harsh and strong, especially when someone was humble enough to ask mechila.

This language speaks to people who ask for forgiveness and then go ahead and do the same thing again.

amother

Thistle

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:25 am

Op I totally understand as I’ve been in your situation before …. Unfortunately holding onto things tormented me day after day as it took up too much of my brain space . Finally moving past it was so freeing for me . The act of forgiveness brought me peace . On the other hand talking things through months later brings up the bad feelings all over again . That was my experience not saying you’ll feel the same way gmar chasima tova

amother

Cappuccino

Fri, Oct 11 2024, 8:29 am

amother OP wrote:

You can forgive her and still have boundaries. If she continues hurting you, you can pull away.