The fight on this site over SAHMs

amother

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 4:47 pm

Makes me feel less than in all types of ways I don’t make that much money (neither does DH)
I don’t love my job. It can be very rewarding sometimes. Other times it’s just drudgery.

DH technically makes more than I do but I consider myself the main breadwinner. My job brings the tuition breaks and guaranteed our kids a slot in school. Since we earn close to the same amount , when push comes to shove, my job is the one we really need. I couldn’t just quit and we'd be fine, it’s literally how we send our kids to school

We need my money. But I’m not supporting a kollel husband either. Our financial situation is tight. Makes me feel less than. I don’t have the reward of being a SAHM with my babies and I don’t get the schar and prestige (yes there’s prestige, don’t say there isn’t) of having a learning husband.

Add to that a letter in last weeks mishpaha- forget the context but the line that stuck with me

“Our best girls aren’t going into education”

Amazing. So great to know I’m of value to no one.

amother

Latte

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 4:56 pm

I'm now a sahm. I just want to tell you that when my husband left kollel, I lost my drive and motivation to work. I pushed myself for another few years while dh found his footing until he was making more than me and then I stopped working. I totally get you.

amother

Poinsettia

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 4:57 pm

You get the schar and prestige of providing for your children! I don't understand how that's less than. Do you think men who do this for their families are less than? And on top of that, you care for your family in hands on way when you're not working. And on top of THAT, you are a teacher and partnering with parents to raise a generation of Jewish children!! If you really feel less than with all of that, whose voice is telling you this? And is that voice actually a reliable source?

amother

Babypink ↓

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 5:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think they are saying new grads now. not the people who are already teachers and anyway even if a lot of great girls aren't going in to education, that's a problem and if you are a good teacher I thank you as a parent because trust me we appreciate the capable teachers a lot!!!!

amother

DarkYellow

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 5:13 pm

I understand your feelings and am pained that you feel "less than." It's hard to be an outlier, but those who have a lot of money garner, not necessarily rightly, a level of respect for that alone. And those who follow the majority have the comfort of being in the ruling class, socially speaking.

No matter which path a woman chooses--and the whole point of the feminist movement was to give women the right and ability to choose their own paths, not to force them into a different but equally constricting mold--she should take pride in her choice and satisfaction from doing her job well, whether or not that job is paid employment and whether or not that employment is lucrative or considered prestigious.

You should be proud of the fact that you are making your children's education possible without resorting to dependence on the generosity of others. As I used to tell my husband who enviously admired other people's shiny new luxury cars while driving our beat-up secondhand jalopy: "Yes, but ours is PAID FOR IN FULL."

zaq

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 5:25 pm

BTW, the working mom/sahm conflict is not limited to kollel vs nonkollel wives. It permeates all of society. We're all apparently so ambivalent about our choices and the real or perceived disdain of the "other" that, rather than supporting each other and cheering each other's choices (which sometimes aren't even really choices), we defend ourselves by attacking and denigrating the other side. So sad.

amother

Rainbow

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 5:26 pm

amother OP wrote:

Add to that a letter in last weeks mishpaha- forget the context but the line that stuck with me

“Our best girls aren’t going into education”

Amazing. So great to know I’m of value to no one.

I completely disagree with that quote. I believe a teacher, especially a good teacher, is one of the best people. Teachers are so underrated but they’re one of the most important figures. They spend most of the day with our children! Anyone who has a lot of patience and love, is a great candidate for teaching children

amother

Sand

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 5:26 pm

Ignore what people think and think about what Hashem thinks. You are supporting your family and you gave birth to Yiddish’s neshamos. You can reach Hashem on your own even if he doesn’t learn. You can learn a Sefer, I promise Hashem wants it from you and you will get every inch schar for your efforts and probably more. Hashem values you! He sees you working hard to set up a Jewish home.

I think that our society took values to an extreme that’s messed up. Everything good can be pulled to a negative extreme and IMO what you describe is a case of that.

amother

↑ Babypink

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 5:27 pm

I personally don't get it. there's so much more to mothering then working vs. being home .I'm a SAHM. B"H but I don't feel the need to put down other mothers, for all I know they could be a better mother then me!

amother

Cherry

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 5:31 pm

amother Latte wrote:

Me exactly.
And now when a friend whose husband is still in kollel and is so successful, boy does it hurt.

amother

SandyBrown

Thu, Oct 10 2024, 5:56 pm

So are you sad that you chose to value careers that are not so lucrative. Are you sad that that you choose to make money rather than take handouts? I’m confused . There is so much inherent value in providing for your children and your family. It is a boosha to have to ask others or organizations to pay your way in life. Everyone should aspire to earn an honest and fair living - literally says this in our davening. Being a teacher is better than an honest and fair living it is teaching and helping develop the next generation of frum people. You should be proud .