Living in a yeshivish area but not yeshivish

amother

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 5:14 am

I grew up modern orthodox and I'm now right wing modern orthodox I'd say. We moved a few years ago to an area that's affordable but I didn't realise was very yeshivish. Probably over 90% of the religious community is yeshivish or chassidish. There is a small MO school.

I find it really hard to feel settled. The community is lovely but I just don't understand it. It's a very old fashioned community. My husband doesn't mind it because he has a shul he likes and he made some friends through it.

I feel a bit like I'm in crisis here. Can anyone relate? Is this a good enough reason to move or is it just a first world problem to live somewhere that doesn't match your hashkafa? Am I the problem?!

amother

Oak

Tue, Oct 08 2024, 6:41 am

I think it really depends on a few different factors.

For context, the neighborhood I live in has changed over the years quite a bit. When I first moved here, I would say I was closer to the top "level" of religious observance (more to the right), certainly at least my "type" probably fit in the top 10 or 15%, if you would try to measure that way. The kollel guys and their families were above us, but that was about it. Everyone else either matched up with us or was less machmir than us. (Sorry, I'm not sure the proper phrasing for any of this, my apologies if I am offending anyone). But now? A large yeshiva moved in, and with it a lot of kollel families. Frankly, I don't mind, I think it's nice for my kids and even for me it gives a nice "feel" to the neighborhood - BUT - I probably count now as middle of the road or even a bit lower than that (not that I've moved to the left, it's the neighborhood moved to the right). Certainly there would be some people who might even consider us on the more modern side of them (I think of myself as modern yeshivish, if that term is still used). I do know some people moved out of the neighborhood when it changed because they felt they no longer fit in, that the community no longer fit them, or they felt on the outside or something. So, yes, you may not be alone in feeling that way and making that choice.

As for the factors to consider, start with these -

- Is it that you feel you don't fit in, or your neighbors think you don't fit in? The difference between the two is the first way you may need to get used to things or find your niche, but the second way the people around you see you as "different" or even "less than", and that could very well be a reason to move, especially if people may not want their kids playing with your kids down the road.

- Can you make friends through the school you mentioned? Will that give you the sense of belonging that you seem to be missing?

- Do you tend to want/need to blend in with the crowd, or can you be comfortable in an area where you may stand out a bit?

- Even if you don't understand the people around you, can you find common ground or interests with them? For example, is there maybe a volunteer or community improvement committee in your neighborhood that you could join? If you have a shared common purpose with some of your neighbors, even if they seem "old fashioned" to you, that might be enough to make you feel more connected to them, and therefore more at home.

I don't think there is any right or wrong answers here - it's really a question of what's making you feel out of place, and seeing if any of those can be fixed or ignored, and whether staying or going would be better for you and your family.