I need a chinuch expert

amother

Hibiscus ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

My therapist mentioned it’s possible ADHD but I have a feeling her behavior has more to do with how she feels about herself because of me…because she seems to be doing well in school and doesn’t exhibit any concerning behaviors in the classroom.

It feels to me kind of like a vicious cycle. She makes a mistake, I make her feel bad, which makes her feel worse, which makes her act even worse.

I’m not at all opposed to having her evaluated. I’m just afraid that the behaviors alone will warrant the diagnosis when in reality it may be circumstantial.

I agree with you that it may be adhd but a large amount of it is your reaction. I promise you that working on your triggers is humbling but oh so rewarding. There is hardly a greater reward. Don’t bow out. Work on changing your outlook on her behavior thus it will help you be less triggered and be kind to yourself after you mess up! You cannot chastise yourself into healing. You can only do it via empathy.

Good luck!
Dr Becky’s book is bomb for these kind of parenting scenarios.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:17 pm

amother Whitewash wrote:

I’m a parenting coach and bubby. I highly recommend Sarah Chana Radcliffe’s book Raise Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice.

Sounds like your daughter knows how to push your buttons and get your attention. When you have the tools to stay calm and in control of yourself, her behavior will improve.

Be kind to yourself, you aren’t a terrible mother. You’re a mother who cares very much and is working on herself. Parenting humbles everyone! It’s hard.

By the time this kid is grown, you will have grown a ton and it will be because of her. She’s pushing you to become everything you’re capable of becoming.

This made me tear up. Thank you.

I actually read Sara Chana Radcliffs book, but I struggle to implement the strategies.
I’ll read it again!

I’ve got lots of thinking, reading and doing to do!

And amen. I do see this challenge as the opportunity to improve my character. I just want to do it right and in a way that benefits us both.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:19 pm

amother Hibiscus wrote:

Thank you for the encouragement.

I’m very moved by everyone’s willingness to share their thoughts and help a struggling ima! Hashem should bless you all and answer all your tefilos and may you all have nachas until 120!

amother

Tuberose

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 3:54 pm

I am no expert but from what I've seen some children are just naturally more challenging. It seems like a big thing here would be to work on the 80/20 ratio for positive and negative interactions. Kids really feed off of negativity. I have a challenging child and I really try to work on this. Complement as much as possible, but being specific, not general complements.

I heard from a chinuch expert in EY that when we see constant bad behavior, we first make sure physical needs are met and then look to emotional needs. She said if a child's emotional needs are met it cuts out 80% of bad behavior. She has an emotional checklist which includes:
-physical touch (enjoyable for both) this can be hugs and kisses or any touch with child enjoys. At least twice an hour, something like that).
-10 minutes of uninterrupted individual attention for each kid a day. No distractions, phones, other kids, etc. Has to be enjoyable for both. The idea is that the kid has control over you. (fills their need for control) You are just spending time in the way the kids chooses, as long as its enjoyable for you also. Sounds like this might help your daughter.
- thinking positively about the kids throughout the day
- extra special acts of love, just because
- keeping to the 4:1 ratio of positive interactions, really limit emotional negativity. Kids feel it!!

amother

Teal

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 4:03 pm

She’s just four. It’s not rocket science, she’s a difficult toddler. In a few years you’ll laugh at this stage. It’ll pass in a blink of an eye. In a short while she’ll tune into a regular kid.
I’m suspecting oldest child syndrome. You are over analyzing and taking everything too seriously, this is common amnong young new parents. Don’t run to diagnose her. Don’t overthink it. If this were your third child, you wouldn’t even see any problems. From what you wrote, she sounds like a typical child.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 4:16 pm

Well of course she is jealous of the younger one. She is also making you do what she wants to do, get mad, and then it is ok because you did it.

But you can't leave them alone while eating. Even if they were great friends.

More one on one attention, for her, to reduce the jealousy.

She is feisty by nature but must learn not to traumatize this man. The son. She will be bigger and stronger, for many years.

She is interfering with your project, the son. But she is your project too.

Hating family isn't civilized so she must be taught he is a family member, one of us.

Big job. But you sound very aware and smart. So you can do it. Just don't expect rationality. Not at this age. Leaving them to go dress was expecting rationality.

amother

Hyacinth

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 4:20 pm

I had a very similar oldest daughter. 4 was the peak most difficult stage. She was a picky eater and everything turned into a power struggle. What helped me most was reading Sarah Jaroslovitz's book, Are your Hands Full?. She calls for a 6 week negative reaction detox period, where you use certain techniques and don't react negatively. This helps reset the relationship and restart. Her method is perfect for your daughters age. I would not recommend it for older kids. My daughter is 11 and is a darling now. It's really just a stage and she'll outgrow it.

amother

↑ Hibiscus ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 4:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

You got this girl!

Btw I mentioned dr Becky’s book -good inside- as it has such excellent info for parents who have explosive kids who create emotional overstimulation in the parent.

amother

↑ Hibiscus

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 4:24 pm

amother Whitewash wrote:

I so agree! People do t realize that parenting is meant to help us become who we are meant to become! And able to become!

↑ mha3484

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 4:32 pm

I agree with the poster who said not to over analyze and its probably in the realm of normal. But I do think that hashem makes some of our children more strong willed and stubborn and one day they will do amazing things with it. My Rebbetzin would tell me that the more challenge he gives you the more nachas and shes right.
But as mothers we need to channel it properly. Its good to learn methods to channel their strengths because when done correctly they will do amazing things as they grow up.

amother

Hunter

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 4:47 pm

Typical oldest.

Number one-look away as much as you can. She’s constantly looking for attention. Look for opportunities for positive attention

Number two-be proactive. Keep her schedule busy. It doesn’t always have to be with you. Let her go to neighbors.

Give her space from younger sibling. Give them individual time

Good luck

Parenting is a process