I need a chinuch expert

amother

Junglegreen

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 7:19 am

I don’t want to share personal reasons to why I’m suggesting the following but The need for Control and anxiety often go hand in hand bc anxiety is feeling out of control so the kid tries to control whatever they can. Perhaps get an OT evaluation bc it can help with emotional regulation as well as calming down techniques.

mha3484 ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 7:19 am

I can so relate to this. I only make strong willed children and its HARD. With my oldest I felt a lot like you did and was really floundering when he was 4 turning 5. It was a constant power struggle that made us both miserable. By total hashgacha pratis I went to an event for parents of day school students where ross greene was the speaker. He wrote the book the explosive child. It changed my life. It was so much more intuitive to me and the more I used it, the more my kids were able to accept the times that I needed to say I am your mother you need to just trust me and listen. I highly recommend reading it. He has a great website called www.livesinthebalance.org find the parents section. I also did an in person group through my kids school before corona.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 7:33 am

Success10 wrote:

You seem really self-aware. It's very impressive that you are saying it might be an issue with you rather than slapping a diagnosis on the child.

I had something similar with one child. What helped was working very hard on building our relationship from scratch, and leaving behind all resentment and all the hair she made me rip out of my head. It was a process. She's still stubborn and does her own thing, but it doesn't trigger me anymore. And she's more flexible now as a young teen.

That’s essentially what I’m trying to. Rebuild our relationship and change the way I see and feel about her. It’s so so hard when she challenges it every waking moment.

How come your teen doesn’t trigger you anymore? Can you share the work you did? Did you let go a lot? Any practical tips?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 7:37 am

Gomama wrote:

Would positive reinforcement work? Maybe try charts with her? I have a 4 year old too and that works for me like a dream! Also when I feel the need to teach my dd something I try to tell her a story in a calm time about a kid (using different name, not hers). The story punchline is similar to incidence that occur with her and I explain how the other people in the story feel, the lesson comes out stronger when she hears it from a different point of view.

I tried a chart for her early waking (she would wake up my toddler at 5:30) and she would earn a certain toy she wanted. It lasted 2 days and she couldn’t keep it up, no matter how much I reminded her. She needs instant gratification and can’t hold out so long.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 7:38 am

Gomama wrote:

As a side point the fact she’s not sleeping well can make it really hard for her to control her behaviors. Maybe target that issue first.

That’s what I was thinking originally. But where do I even turn? She goes to sleep 7:30 and wakes up 5:30. How can I possibly make her sleep longer?

↑ Gomama

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 7:52 am

amother OP wrote:

She isn’t ready for long term charts but how about a little treat after the timer goes off and she didn’t fight with her sibling or if you want to focus on listening to what you say. In the beginning The timer should be set for a very short time and eventually add time. Also focus on one behavior at a time.

amother

Electricblue

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 7:52 am

Instant gratification and impulsive don't sound good together.

I would try O.T first spilling a bowl of cereal could also be a sensory need. Is it possible she's sensory? School is very structured these kids do so well with structure keep her days off like school schedule. Also rather than add which won't give you any benefits at this point you could try getting her aba with a and diagnose. You could gave someone come down to your house. She will get one one one attention and the person could work on how she treats her baby brother,how she eats her cereal. A good aba agency provides parenting also.

amother

Ultramarine ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:04 am

It's not your parenting.

Not a popular opinion on here but most of our challenging kids have physiological reasons inside their body that are causing their behaviors. Things like food sensitivities, gut dysbiosis, chronic infections, inflammation, mouth breathing, yeast overgrowth, missing nutrients and more can all contribute to behaviors that look like asd and adhd. The fact that she doesn't sleep well is a symptom that her nervous system is over-active on a biological level. If this is something you want to explore, there are resources out there.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:14 am

amother Ultramarine wrote:

I’m really open to everything. I feel like her diet isn’t good and that can also be contributing to her behavior.

Would craniosacral therapy help figure out the internal cause?

amother

Peony

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:22 am

amother Ultramarine wrote:

I have a similar sounding daughter and she is currently getting OT to help her sensory issues along. She also doesn’t sleep well and I would like to here more about the over active nervous system and what resources are out there (OP if you don’t mind..)

amother

↑ Ultramarine ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:23 am

amother OP wrote:

I’m really open to everything. I feel like her diet isn’t good and that can also be contributing to her behavior.

Would craniosacral therapy help figure out the internal cause?

Cleaning up her diet can be a great place to start. You'd be surprised at what a difference it can make.

I know people who have gone down this road and swear by craniosacral therapy. Personally, I think it has its benefits, but no, it can't help you pin down specific causes, and it's probably not enough on its own to make a significant difference.

↑ Success10

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:25 am

amother OP wrote:

Meditations, spending quality time. Really, it was years ago, it was part of a course on how to deal with intense children. And I only listened to the first 4 sessions. If you PM me, I can try to find the courses to send you or just to type up more info.

amother

↑ Ultramarine

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 8:26 am

amother Peony wrote:

Chronic infections (like strep) and poor gut health in my experience are the biggest contributors to poor sleep and a nervous system that's stuck in fight-flight. (Poor gut health isn't always obvious like diarrhea or constipation, but those could be signs as well)

Mouth breathing, tongue toes, high palate, narrow jaws etc can also be a big piece for some kids.

Does any of this resonate?

amother

Taupe

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 10:46 am

I have a bunch of thoughts.

The first is that a child who is trying so hard to be in control needs more limits and boundaries from their parents. Not limits just for the sake of it, but a set of consistent rules and consequences. In parallel, positive rules and lots of instant rewards and tons of praise. 80% priase and 20% criticisism at minimum.

You being triggered and getting angry is a separate issue from your child, like you said. Usually, it is baggage we bring with us from our childhood. Try to think about what it reminds you of so you can reframe.

Read the books What Should Danny Do and What SHould Darla Do. A whole series where your child can choose the actions of the main character and see the outcomes. Made a difference for my impulsive kid./

I also recommend the books - The Explosive Child, The Highly Sensitive Child, and 1-2-3 Magic.

A lot of the behavior sounds within the realm of normal, possibly just more frequent or for longer or more intense. Correcting the dynamic between you two and and her behavior will take time, so remind yourself that it is ok if it takes a while and parenting is a long journey and that's ok!

amother

Whitewash

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 11:56 am

I’m a parenting coach and bubby. I highly recommend Sarah Chana Radcliffe’s book Raise Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice.

Sounds like your daughter knows how to push your buttons and get your attention. When you have the tools to stay calm and in control of yourself, her behavior will improve.

Be kind to yourself, you aren’t a terrible mother. You’re a mother who cares very much and is working on herself. Parenting humbles everyone! It’s hard.

By the time this kid is grown, you will have grown a ton and it will be because of her. She’s pushing you to become everything you’re capable of becoming.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Oct 07 2024, 12:09 pm

amother Taupe wrote:

Thanks for this response.

I’m gonna work on more structure, limits/choices and positivity.

Re the bolded- I didn’t trigger my parents and they were never harsh with me. I’m similar to my daughter in some ways, natural born leader and stubborn in some areas. So I think I’m not used to being challenged like this and Gd wants me to work on my middos to let go a lot.

Thanks for the book recs. Will look into them.