DH invited guest | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 5:40 pm

dh invited his parents and single siblings for succos seuda and im not upto it so I uninvited them.
I discussed with him as a maybe but then I got cold feet.
bh have a few young kids a and very demanding baby. im not a person who hosts a lot so it will be a big pressure- cooking, heating the food, setting the table, serving cleaning... and its my in laws so my house needs to be somewhat organized.. they will be walking through the whole house to the backyard
they have very small sukkah so we cant go to them but im not interested to host
theyre interested to come, and got invited by dh, but I just told them that im sorry im being honest with myself... my seudas are hectic and I need to be there fully for my baby
how bad was I?

amother

Lightgreen

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 5:43 pm

It must feel awkward to uninvite. Best to discuss in advance. DH hopefully learned not to invite anyone without your consent. You did the right thing by being honest with yourself and your potential guests.

amother

Jetblack

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 5:47 pm

Maybe you can invite them Chol Hamoed for a simple meal? Burgers? I think it would be really nice if you could host them without having to feel pressured.

amother

DarkKhaki ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 5:47 pm

I kinda feel bad for dh that he can't have a yom tov meal with his family. Its one meal not the whole yom tov. I would let them come and if I needed to take care of the baby would excuse myself. You don't have to make a fancy meal it's about spending time together.

amother

Lightblue ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 5:51 pm

I don't know your in laws, obviously, but mine would be very very happy to come even if things didn't go perfectly smoothly. Even if there wasn't a ton of food, and the house was a mess, and the kids ran around being wild, and I was nursing the baby and rocking him to sleep for an hour. They would be extremely disappointed to be uninvited, and that's putting it mildly. The most important thing for them is our relationship, and to be part of one another's lives especially on yt.

ShishKabob

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 5:52 pm

amother Lightblue wrote:

This

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 5:56 pm

amother Lightblue wrote:

Same. I don't set the table fancy or go crazy cooking. I ask for help serving and cleaning when needed. I excuse myself to take care of the baby. It's their nachas to spend time with their son and his family. Unless they are overly judgemental or critical I would invite them the same way I would want my son to invite me when he is married. Uninviting them is quite rude IMHO and can really damage your relationship.

amother

Strawberry

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 5:57 pm

amother Lightblue wrote:

My in-laws would also feel the same. They by far prefer to come. But that doesn't stop MIL from criticizing our home and parenting during the visit, and also complaining about our deficits to other people after the meal. I invite them anyway. But it can be stressful.

CPenzias

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 5:58 pm

I try not to say no but my husband is bh very helpful and my inlaws don't judge. I've never felt judged by them in terms of my (non) housekeeping skills.
I think chag is an especially important time to be with family but everyone is different.
Do you think your inlaws are hurt? That is a problem if they are

Simple1

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 6:02 pm

Can you tell them they can come but you need help? I’d ask husband to help with the cleaning and siblings to help out with some cooking, shopping or setting up.

amother

Carnation ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 6:13 pm

The meals being hectic is not reason enough to uninvite your in laws. I think that it's quite disrespectful. We should be able to be flexible and bend ourselves a bit. You don't need to prepare fancy and go all out. They're probably just interested in spending time with you & the kids.
Your husband maybe shouldn't have invited them without confirming with you first, but now that it's already done, I'd think that it's quite disrespectful to uninvite them.
(Unless there's another reason you don't want to host them? Are they difficult people?)

amother

Honeydew ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 6:14 pm

Why is everyone guilting her? Good for her that she knows her limits and doesn’t push herself past her breaking points. It takes more courage to not people please and to do uncomfortable things to keep yourself sane and healthy. I don’t understand these responses.

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 6:15 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

The meals being hectic is not reason enough to uninvite your in laws. I think that it's quite disrespectful. We should be able to be flexible and bend ourselves a bit. You don't need to prepare fancy and go all out. They're probably just interested I'm spending time with you & the kids.
Your husband maybe shouldn't have invited them without confirming with you first, but now that it's already done, I'd think that it's quite disrespectful to uninvite them.
(Unless there's another reason you don't want to host them? Are they difficult people?)

It was disrespectful of her husband to do this on his own without her ok. Good for her for knowing her limits. If only there were more like her we’d all be a lot healthier.

amother

↑ Carnation ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 6:15 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

It's important to be flexible in life, especially when it comes to close family. OP didn't say that she's at her breaking point. Just that her meals are hectic. Big deal, everyone’s meals are hectic.

amother

↑ Carnation ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 6:17 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

It was disrespectful of her husband to do this on his own withouot her ok. Good for her for knowing her limits. If only there were more like her we’d all be a lot healthier.

Yes, her husband should have confirmed with her. But he didn't & what's done is done. To uninvite in laws, is just disrespectful.
DH was wrong to not confirm.
She was wrong for uninviting them.
OP said that DH discussed it with her, maybe he took it as a yes from her, that she's okay with it.

amother

Ballota ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 6:19 pm

Looking at the general picture, yes one should try be flexible in this situation. Obviously there are more extreme circumstances where it would be different.. I don't know if she stands there, only she can answer that, but good normal life skills.. she should be ok. I would be quiet offended being the mil...

amother

Amethyst ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 6:20 pm

Sorry I think you are wrong. I thought you were going to have to host for the whole chag which is a lot, but just one seuda? I think you can push yourself.

Funny how we never think elderly parents have any excuse not to host all their married adult children but married children are so annoyed to host parents and in laws.

amother

↑ Honeydew ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 6:20 pm

amother Carnation wrote:

It’s far enough in advance it’s not disrespectful to say he didn’t consult with me. Him deciding she said yes is not actually consulting her. There is nothing disrespectful about it.

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Sun, Oct 06 2024, 6:21 pm

amother Honeydew wrote:

Because sometimes in life you go out of your comfort zone to make your husband happy. Maybe there is more to the story but op just said its hectic and overwhelming. It's ok to be overwhelmed once in a while so that you can have your in laws over during a holiday. And she didn't say if she asked dh to help out with the prep and during the meal.