Paying two shul memberships in divorce situation

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 6:06 am

My apologies I don’t know the appropriate forum for this question.

This is my first yomim noraim divorced. I am staying at the same shul and ex dh ordered the exact same seats as the past ten years.

Do I have to pay separately/additionally? I absolutely don’t have the money (membership is $1k+) and seats/resources wise, nothing has changed from previous years.

(I know I can ask the shul leadership but they haven’t billed me-yet?-and I don’t want to give them any ideas, just wondering what is standard/expected).

amother

Peru

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 6:44 am

My (conservative) shul growing up split the membership cost in half and billed it separately to each parent.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 11:19 am

justforfun87 wrote:

His seats include a woman's seat? Absolutely do not pay 2x.

His seats are for family, including daughters and he ordered the same number on each side of the mechitza as he ordered in previous years (so there’s enough for me).

amother

Lightpink

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 11:22 am

amother OP wrote:

His seats are for family, including daughters and he ordered the same number on each side of the mechitza as he ordered in previous years (so there’s enough for me).

If he ordered a seat for you then it’s included in his membership. If he didn’t order a seat for you then it would be different. But I assume you’re his daughters mother, so you are still family and he wants you to have a seat.

amother

NeonYellow

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:08 pm

amother Lightpink wrote:

And likely he cares enough about his daughters chinuch to know they should be davening with their mother if at all possible

amother

Diamond ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:26 pm

Why not speak to him to confirm if a seat is for you? I wouldn’t presume, he might have given that seat to someone else

If it is for you then why would you pay again for a seat?

seeker ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:32 pm

If it's included in his yearly shul membership and he has the extra seat anyway, I would check in to make sure it's available but as someone above said it's in his interest to have you sit with your daughters.

If it's paid per seat and not part of a larger deal, then you should offer to pay xh a portion of the value for the seat you're using. E.g. if membership is 1000 and he's also paying 500 for high holiday seats, offer to chip in 100 or so for your seat.

↑ seeker ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:34 pm

amother NeonYellow wrote:

And likely he cares enough about his daughters chinuch to know they should be davening with their mother if at all possible

Halevai all divorced people care enough about their kids to not get blinded by pettiness against their ex.

I know people like this. I also know people unlike this.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:41 pm

In answer to the points that were raised, yes, he ordered a seat for me next to my daughters (and I am grateful my sons are davening with their father).

I’m pretty sure he didn’t pay anything extra for my seat (as there’s a max amount per family and we meet it even before my seat).

I’m not asking from his point of view (whether I need to split with him or pay a portion), I know he’s fine with it. I’m asking from the shul’s point of view, whether they’re thinking we’re now “two families” and I should be paying separately (for membership, seats, etc).

amother

↑ Diamond

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

No, you are still considered one family in all regards

amother

Rose

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 12:55 pm

It sounds like you’re worried about stealing from the shul. I would just ask them. Most likely they’ll say don’t worry about it, and if they say you do owe them you don’t sound like you’d want to be subverting them anyway.

amother

Canary

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 1:08 pm

For what it's worth, if this came up at our shul, I would not see it as two separate families until at least one ex-spouse remarried. I don't know if everyone would agree, but that is my perspective.

↑ seeker

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 2:05 pm

I don't think you need to care about the perspective of the shul. Ex is entitled to the seat and you are sitting with his daughters. Don't ask questions, no need to give people ideas.

amother

Pink

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 2:19 pm

From the shul’s perspective, you payed x amount last year and got z seats. It’s exactly the same this year, I don’t see why they should charge you more just because you got divorced. You are still your children’s mother.

amother

Anemone

Sat, Oct 05 2024, 8:30 pm

I don't think your get status entitles the shul to more money from you. Also you mentioned that it may be difficult for you to pay an entire new membership, I'm sure the shul understands and if your ex husband is a mensch and got you a seat I don't see why the shul would have any protest. Hashem should answer yours, ours and all of Klal yisroels tefillos lTova and bkarov!