Not invited to my brother's Shabbos Sheva berochos...

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:02 am

amother OP wrote:

It's the first I've heard of it
Fwiw the chosson's side usually travel for an aufruf, not the kalla's but in some communities maybe they do this. Not in ours. Plus the kalla's family live in the same place as us.

It's pretty standard where I live.
Dh and I were even invited to the Aufrufs of my nephews thru marriage (though I declined as graciously as I could. Two weeks in a row of placing out my kids and going away is too much for us.)

↑ watergirl ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:04 am

SuperWify wrote:

Didn’t read the whole thread. It’s not ok. Siblings come first. Don’t understand those that are defending the girls parents. I’m sorry- that really hurts!

Take a few minutes and read the whole thread, then come back and see if you agree with this.

Yes I know it hurts, and I feel for OP. Acknowledging her feelings, yes. Telling her the hosts are wrong for not going into debt? No way.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:04 am

SuperWify wrote:

Nah. An aufruf is usually just a Kiddush for the chasson and anyone can walk over. A Shabbos Sheva Brachos is for the couple once they are married. A whole Shabbos. Yes, the whole immediate family on both sides should participate before any extended Aunts. Otherwise it feels like- my side and her side and not very United.

On imamother people love vilifying op. It’s very easy to do this behind amother. But if this happened in real life to you, you would be scandalized and hurt. Admit it.

Thank you, this is the norm by us too.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:06 am

watergirl wrote:

I'm sorry to have upset you watergirl. It definitely wasn't my intention.

↑ SuperWify ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:06 am

amother Stone wrote:

It's very nice they are doing what they can afford, but on whos cheshbon?? And if that were the case they shouldn't be inviting aunts and uncles either. By a shabbos sheva brachos, SIBLINGS COME BEFORE AUNTS AND COUSINS!!!!! sorry this is getting me worked up. It is so wrong to do this!!! I think this should be communicated to the other side (in a polite, respectful way) that siblings are very hurt that they are not invited to shabbos sheva brachos and it needs to be worked out! They offered quite a few ways how to do this and they were not interested. That does not reflect well and someone needs to speak up.

This. Really truly hurtful.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:07 am

SuperWify wrote:

It's pretty standard these days to invite Kallah's parents, grandparents, and siblings (including married) and any kids to the Aufruf, including Shabbos meals. Yes, people cut down, but then once you start cutting down there are lots of places to cut down.

But OP isn't describing a typical venue altogether, so you can't cry standard if the whole Simcha isn't being done standard.

Plus I've definitely heard variations (like not inviting kids, etc...) and people who cut down on standards. My DD has a friend whose parents made Shabbos Sheva Brachos in the house on a very simple level. If you know the other side needs to struggle to make the Simcha, you are classy and don't come with major expectations.

The attitude that they should go into debt, they should do whatever it takes to accommodate us...is not a good attitude. It's time people moved away from that. No one has a right to expect that from the Baal Simcha.

↑ watergirl ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:07 am

SuperWify wrote:

Op, don’t bother here. You won’t get support. I’m sorry.

Please read all of OP's posts on this thread and then explain how you'd like the hosts to pay for the extra guests. OP got support for hurt feelings. Not support for wanting the hosts to go into debt for a community norm.

amother

Petunia ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:07 am

amother OP wrote:

It's not about being worth it. It's about the done thing.

You’d be shocked at how many people don’t do the “done thing”. We didn’t attend my husbands sisters shabbos sheva brachos because mil didn’t want to have kids around. And I didn’t have where to leave my kids. I thought mil was ridiculous but guess what? We weren’t there, but everyone lived happily ever after.

You’re being a little ridiculous considering that you’ll be attending the whole shabbos aufruf.

↑ SuperWify ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:07 am

watergirl wrote:

No they shouldn’t go into debt. And they don’t have to. Don’t invite the aunts.

But not including siblings and inviting aunts and cousins instead is very hurtful.

↑ watergirl ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:09 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm sorry to have upset you watergirl. It definitely wasn't my intention.

I am imagining myself in the hosts place (IYH one day!). If someone expected me to go into debt to keep up with a community norm, I would be so hurt. That is not what a family wants for their loved ones.

↑ watergirl ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:09 am

SuperWify wrote:

No they shouldn’t go into debt. And they don’t have to. Don’t invite the aunts.

But not including siblings and inviting aunts and cousins instead is very hurtful.

This is the issue with not reading the thread before commenting.

The aunts are the ones paying for it.

amother

↑ Petunia ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:09 am

SuperWify wrote:

No they shouldn’t go into debt. And they don’t have to. Don’t invite the aunts.

But not including siblings and inviting aunts and cousins instead is very hurtful.

My mil invited aunts and cousins instead of her own grandchildren. So my dh couldn’t attend his own sisters shabbos sheva brachos.

People make the decisions they make. It’s not worth getting upset over.

↑ SuperWify ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:11 am

amother OP wrote:

My mother is upset too but she's not going to cause machlokos. She wants us there.

Well if it was my mother she’d say too bad- my kids come before aunts. This actually happened with my sister. We were of course invited but not put up- this was out of town- and we’d have no place to stay. My mother worked it out with my sisters MIL in the end and it was beautiful.

I get your English and your mum would just rather wrong her hands silently though then dare cause a stir..

Last edited by SuperWify on Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:14 am; edited 1 time in total

↑ SuperWify ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:11 am

amother Petunia wrote:

Maybe not worth it for you. But I’m sure that hurt your husband.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:13 am

amother Petunia wrote:

The Shabbos aufruf is a Shabbos day meal for us. Definitely appreciated but not the same as Shabbos Sheva berochos.

↑ watergirl ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:14 am

SuperWify wrote:

Well if it was my mother she’d say too bad- my kids come before aunts. This actually happened with my sister. We were of course inched but not put up- this was out of town- and we’d have no place to stay. My mother worked it out with my sisters MIL in the end and it was beautiful.

I get your English and your mum would just rather wrong her hands silently though then dare cause a stir..

The aunts paid for it. Seriously, read the thread.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 8:15 am

SuperWify wrote:

Maybe not worth it for you. But I’m sure that hurt your husband.

Right. I wonder how my future sister in law (the kalla) would feel when her brother gets married, and she's not invited to both Shabbos Sheva berochos meals. He only has it the once (iyH!) you can't get that time back.
Her brother is actually older than her, she's the first to get married in her family, but 2nd oldest.