Not invited to my brother's Shabbos Sheva berochos...

amother

Stone ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:15 am

amother DarkYellow wrote:

I think you answered your own question.

The kallas family is shouldering the cost and can't afford it. They invited her side because they are helping defray the cost.

I know you are disappointed but if there's no room and they can't afford it, please try to understand.

This makes no sense. You are a sibling, you should be going to your brothers shabbos sheva brachos!! Very weird that they are inviting kallas aunts and cousins and not chossons siblings... If they can't afford a few more people they wouldn't invite them either.

2429 ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:17 am

amother OP wrote:

I hear you but the kalla is the oldest of 6 knH.
So from their side they're max 11 with grandparents. So that's without the aunts and their children. They have quite a big house actually but that's not my business plus it's the food, I get it. I'm just surprised and upset that they're not making at least one in a hall, or something bigger to invite us to one of the meals. It's the norm in my family, and with it being my last sibling to get married I'm pretty shocked and upset by it. I'm not going to make a scene don't worry. I'm just venting here, and wondering if that's normal.

I guess I'm in the minority here that thinks it's not normal.

It is definitely not normal.
In every shabbos sheba Bracha I was ever at the siblings of the Chosson are invited.
When you said it is their oldest daughter it made more sense that they aren’t aware what is usually done
I don’t think posters her think it is normal,
I think they are trying to help you reframe and Dan lecaf zechus.

I get why you are upset.
If it was my last sibling I would also be sad.

amother

↑ Burgundy ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:22 am

amother OP wrote:

Another reason why I'm upset is because my mother's friend offered to make one of the Shabbos Sheva berochos and she declined because her husband is in aveilus and she didn't think it was allowed for him to host a Sheva berochos. If they were happy to then who cares?! She has a very big house and enjoys doing these things. We siblings definitely would've been invited.
Plus I feel bad that the kalla's parents are making both. It's a LOT! Especially after making a wedding. My mother could've let her friend take one. She declined the offer.

With all due respect and sympathy, this isn't your simcha. This isn't your child's simcha. The chosson and kallah and their parents made arrangements that work for them.

You are BH happily married (your husband sounds so caring, what a bracha) and have bH a house full of children. You'll be hosting Sheva brachos for them on Sunday. You can let the shabbos go. it's really not going to matter.

Chayalle ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:24 am

OP your family is not small. The wedding is a little smaller, but not that small. (when you said small, I pictured a destination wedding with about 100 people or so.)

Yes, it usually is the norm to invite the Chosson's siblings and their children, but I have definitely heard from people that cut that down when the family is large and there are alot of kids (I remember speaking to a relative who told me she invited the Chosson's siblings and their spouses, but no children, and the other side was upset - most of them couldn't come because nowhere to place their kids - but it was too much to expect her to host so many people). It's unfair to expect the Kallah's side to fund a whole shabbos for another family if it's very costly. And especially if they are doing it in the house (which is their call. You have no right to expect them to pay for a hall) and your side does not seem to be doing a full Aufruf either....once the whole venue is atypical, which is seems is what the Chosson/Kallah want, you can't really call "standard".

I understand your disappointment that you aren't invited to Shabbos Sheva Brachos, but perhaps your disappointment is really about the whole venue, and if you reframe it that way, you can understand and respect the couple's choice.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:24 am

amother Stone wrote:

Exactly and they're inviting the same aunt's and their kids to both of the meals. I think at least for one we should be invited but whatever...
I wanted to feel validated so thanks to you and the poster below who are saying this is totally not the norm.

amother

↑ Stone ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:27 am

watergirl wrote:

I really hear you. You’re taken off guard because this is different than what you’re used to.

I personally would love to see MORE people going back to doing what they can afford to do. Throw out expectations of “what’s done” and just do what you can.

This host can’t afford a hall or a larger crowd. So it’s on everyone else to be understanding, not shame them, and move on.

ETA - I’m getting the feeling of that an interest of shalom, Your parents did not push hosting one of the shabbos sheva brachos. That is very honorable. In what will be IYH A very long life full of many more simchas, moving past the stuff and just aiming for peace is the only way to move forward.

It's very nice they are doing what they can afford, but on whos cheshbon?? And if that were the case they shouldn't be inviting aunts and uncles either. By a shabbos sheva brachos, SIBLINGS COME BEFORE AUNTS AND COUSINS!!!!! sorry this is getting me worked up. It is so wrong to do this!!! I think this should be communicated to the other side (in a polite, respectful way) that siblings are very hurt that they are not invited to shabbos sheva brachos and it needs to be worked out! They offered quite a few ways how to do this and they were not interested. That does not reflect well and someone needs to speak up.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:31 am

amother IndianRed wrote:

I participated in hosting a home sheva brachos where we were told only x amount relatives from one side of a family was coming and they ended up bringing along others with them including a couple of their kids, and we didn't have enough food. It was very uncomfortable and embarrassing.
Even if kids are sitting on laps, they're still going to be eating and taking up space in what is probably a very crowded area already. And if you invite people who have little kids, you have to be prepared that they may show up with the kids even if it was stipulated adults only or just the adult sibling. So it's easier just not to invite in the first place.

I don't get the whole "laps" thing either - that is definitely not standard, to hold kids on laps. I recently made Shabbos Sheva Brachos for my DD, and I did not expect my sons-in-law's SIL's to hold their kids on their laps during the Shabbos meal, that would not be normal or standard in my community. They come to relax and enjoy as much as possible during a week with less sleep and cranky kids.....why wouldn't they get a normal meal? Most caterers have a child rate and set a seat for kids who are old enough to sit (usually around age 2 or so....)

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:32 am

amother Stone wrote:

This is usually true, but did you miss where OP said the aunts/uncles are paying for the costs so have to be invited? You are getting worked up that someone who can't afford otherwise is doing what they can afford, which is not the standard. Why is that wrong?

↑ watergirl ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:32 am

amother Stone wrote:

On what CHESHBON? The aunts are paying for their plates and more, essentially.

If you can't afford, you can't do. For some people this is obvious.

And what about the cheshbon of the guests? Who wants to sit and eat a shabbos meal that caused someone to go into debt? I personally can't eat that kind of meal.

Last edited by watergirl on Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:34 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

↑ Stone

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:33 am

amother OP wrote:

I agree with you. Maybe the posters who are saying it's not the norm are from different circles. Where I come from, it is not normal not to invite siblings to shabbos sheva brachos. And to not invite siblings and yes invite aunts and their kids is so beyond me it makes my blood boil I don't understand how anyone could do that. Maybe they are so busy planning the wedding that they are not thinking straight and someone just needs to point it out to them?

↑ watergirl ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:36 am

amother OP wrote:

And what if my brother wouldn't be the youngest but instead have a few younger single siblings?! They'd absolutely be invited. Happens to by there aren't but still seems weird to me!

What would you prefer them to do in order to host the 25 siblings/spouses/kids? They can't afford a hall. For whatever reason, they insist on hosting both, so that is not changing. What is your solution for them?

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:38 am

amother Stone wrote:

No I'm from those circles, and I'm saying this entire Simcha is not the norm (from the wedding to the Aufruf to the Shabbos Sheva Brachos) and this is what the Chosson/Kallah want, so why is OP harping on one aspect of it and saying it should be standard? Especially since this is working for someone's budget?

amother

Oldlace

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:40 am

Ita common foe kallas side to make whole shabbos . Under that pretense makes,sense both meals going to them . Its beautiful both sides,trying to stay on budget. With kalla side hosting in house and your mom cutting out ladies aufeuf Kiddush. I think you needed to accept that it is their simcha
And enjoy what ever part included in. Yes your moms,not making big Kiddush but she's hosting lunch . Enjoy. You can stop by shabbos Sheva brachos to say Mazel tov towards the end and depending on what going on either just give kisses and good wishes or stay for desert and to help.

↑ Chayalle ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:41 am

amother OP wrote:

And what if my brother wouldn't be the youngest but instead have a few younger single siblings?! They'd absolutely be invited. Happens to by there aren't but still seems weird to me!

Honestly, speculating "what if" helps no one.
I remember once one of my DD's dated a boy who was one of the youngest from a very large family with tons of married siblings and grandchildren BAH (I don't remember the exact details and numbers anymore.) But I remember what-ifing - if she marries this boy, boy will it cost in terms of the Simcha for this that and the other thing.....all for no reason of course.

It's weird to you but so are the other details here weird to other people, so you need to accept that this whole Simcha is not standard. But it's your brother's Simcha. Try to be happy for him and accept his choice in a Kallah, venues, etc....and let them build a Bayis Neeman B'Yisrael!

↑ watergirl ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:41 am

amother Stone wrote:

Again, the aunts who are invited are paying for it. They get to come.

You can't spend money from someone else's account. They can't afford a hall. They can't afford more guests.

amother

↑ Burgundy

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:41 am

amother Stone wrote:

The people whose business it is (bride, groom, parents in both sides) seem very okay with it. This is the compromise they worked out. The siblings need to take a step back. It is not their place to " offer ways to work it out"

↑ 2429 ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:43 am

amother OP wrote:

And what if my brother wouldn't be the youngest but instead have a few younger single siblings?! They'd absolutely be invited. Happens to by there aren't but still seems weird to me!

No one is denying it is weird
No one is denying they are breaking the norm
But people who struggle financially are giving you the other side.
And people are saying that the frum norms are becoming impossible to keep up with. And for these posters who don’t know how they will afford it are happy to see that in order to financially survive they won’t be the only ones breaking the norms.
And you have every right to be sad and disappointed .

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Oct 02 2024, 7:45 am

Chayalle wrote:

No they're helping with making the food which I guess is the same kinda thing.