I hate my own home- it's a miserable place to be

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 5:38 pm

My kids are ND and have huge struggles with emotional regulation. There are constant meltdowns and fights between my kids and so much shouting.
It's hell.
I have been getting them as much as help as I possibly can. I have taken courses. I have sent them to therapies. They have tried different medications.
I hate my life. I hate my home.
The sensory overload of what's going on here on the daily is destroying me. Not to mention the guilt for not managing to raise them properly.
They aren't toddlers anymore, it's gotten worse and worse as they grow up.
It all just feels hopeless.
Our home is miserable, angry, and tense and I want to run away forever.

amother

Topaz

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 6:01 pm

I feel like today is a hard day for everyone.
It’s raining and cloudy for days.
Everyone is home.
IyH you’ll feel better soon when the sun comes out and kids are in school.
One day at a time…

amother

Feverfew

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 6:01 pm

The best advice I heard from someone who went through a similar situation is to find the "down" time in your day.

Whether it's when the kids are at school or after they've gone to sleep, look for those moments and treat yourself to something special. Enjoy that delicious piece of chocolate or a favorite magazine, indulge in a little self-care. You deserve it.

Hugs

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 7:33 am

amother Feverfew wrote:

I do this but weekends and Yom tov is horrible. During the week I get reprieve when they go to school. I never ever imagined my life would be this. I wish I could enjoy my children and not dread them being around.

amother

SandyBrown

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 7:39 am

amother Almond wrote:

Are you me?

No, she's me.
I have NT kids too and they don't deserve this hell that their ND siblings create. Especially one of the ND siblings who has traumatized all of us, left me with PTSD, and is aggressive both intentionally and unintentionally throughout the day.

That same ND kid was kicked out of one school last year and CPS ordered us not to send him back to the special ed school he went to after that. So he's been home since July.

frumommy ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 8:06 am

I am so sorry. Your pain is almost touchable here. It sounds so terrible.
I know your kids have gone to therapy and have tried different medications, but have you thought about....some medication for yourself just to emotionally be able to hunker down and cope with this constant barrage of stress?
There's only so much a person can take until they feel like they could snap and you sound -very understandably- almost there. You don't even have to wait until you can see a specialist -- your regular family doctor can prescribe something to help you personally to cope until you find some better way of making it work for your kids.
Sending you a big hug. You're not alone.
Help yourself and it will help ALL of your children too. Heart

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 8:09 am

amother Topaz wrote:

I feel like today is a hard day for everyone.
It’s raining and cloudy for days.
Everyone is home.
IyH you’ll feel better soon when the sun comes out and kids are in school.
One day at a time…

You realise imamother has posters from all over the world right??

amother

Tan ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 8:13 am

amother DarkMagenta wrote:

OP, I'm sorry, this sounds horrible. Can you get any help between school and bedtime? Teenage chesed girls? Anything?

This is very kind of you to suggest, but what kind of mother would send her teenage daughter to my house??

Where my sons have mooned the babysitter and leave bites and bruise marks on one another, and all the knives and matches need to be locked up?

I need psych ward nurses, or mafia bouncers to break up the fights. It’s not my place to traumatize someone else’s child by bringing them to my house…

Even outside my house, it makes me die of shame to hear my socially-inappropriate tween DS make jokes and comments that are racist, s-xualized, or just plain off-putting. I don’t want to subject some altruistic “Big Brother” program yeshiva bochur to having to deal with that.

HASHEM YERACHEM. ND kids are not like the sweet, smiling, grateful kids on Camp Simcha and HASC brochures. They will break you.

↑ frumommy ↓

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 8:14 am

Another thought -- I know this sounds so hard to think of, but you have to have a basically functional home for yourself and your other children....have you thought about/researched putting your extremely difficult child in a dormitory/care facility?
Perhaps you can do this *temporarily* until you can put things on a more even keel at home, make better arrangements?
It might be better for that child (definitely better for your other children) if he/she has a solid framework to the day instead of sitting around at home and being explosive with nowhere to go with it -- somewhere with activities to keep busy, distracted, and with people familiar with the conditions who can cope with it and perhaps channel it more constructively. I hope you will seriously consider this for the sake of your family.
Ask Hashem for help and guidance too.
May this new year bring some peace and help to you and your family.

↑ frumommy

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 8:21 am

amother Tan wrote:

Wow. I'm so sorry you have to go through that too.
***Perhaps you have some coping advice for the OP that can help her even in a small way.***
Hashem should help you, make this new year more bearable for you - that you find time for yourself, space to breathe in the midst of all the turmoil.

elaela

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 8:24 am

Im a teacher and mother of NT (or at least undiagnosed) childen. Mothers guilt and fatigue is REAL.

I will daven this Rosh hashana for every home to find shulem and every mother peace, because IT IS A LOT and help is very rare. Yes therapists and courses exist...bottom line its usually the mother who carries the load, hears the insults, has the burises, shivers that the school wont call again and espeacially witnesses the helplessess of the kid and the siblings...it is so hard and breaks many people. one dreams of a peaceful home and lives in a lound aggressive mess. its sad. I have nothing to give but tfilos.

amother

↑ Tan

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:06 am

frumommy wrote:

Amen, amen.

I wish I had practical advice for OP.

It helps me to know that I am not alone, and that — even as much as parents are told they can and should control their children’s behavior and are responsible for the outcomes of raising them — it’s not our fault.

Our children are having a hard time, and we are having a hard time, and sometimes we don’t know why Hashem gave us this lonely, shameful, stressful, hellish nisayon.

But it’s not something we caused or something we “deserved” by being bad.

It just is.

amother

NeonOrange

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:14 am

Me too. I'm so sad and hopeless about it all. Thank you for posting, I have nothing to make you feel better although from the depths of my heart, I wish I did. But, you have helped me and made me feel a tiny bit less alone. So, thank you. Just yesterday, I told my husband we should get divorced and split custody so that way at least we'll have a few days of peace in our week. How insane is that comment? Sometimes I'm just so desperate. I wish I had some hope for the future. I have tears in my eyes from feeling that someone else gets it and shares my pain.

amother

Heather

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:25 am

amother Tan wrote:

Daughters like mine who know exactly what this looks like?

Some chesed programs have adult volunteers, men in their 30s who would take your tween son out to give you a break. I don't know where you live but look into the option.

amother

Chambray

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 9:54 am

I so relate. We had a horrible year when everyone was just being their absolute most insane. I was pregnant and wondered why I should have another kid. What's the point. I knew it wasn't my parenting. Most nights I cried myself to sleep, my marriage was in shambles, I didn't want the kids to come home from school.

Bh we got a lot of interventions. Services, paid help, homeopathy, I don't know what did it but life is calmer.

I would definitely look into something alternative like detox or homeopathy.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 10:14 am

amother Heather wrote:

is there something like this in lkwd? in same situation as OP.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Sep 30 2024, 10:41 am

Been there & done that .
I have a theory about this & it has been proven true in my case
A very big percentage of kids w/ adhd & asd also have an underlining mood disorder.
And it’s not always apparent. It took a few years for me & the doctor to figure it out .
It’s not like a full blown mood disorder like bipolar, but yet still mood disorder.
I went through years of adhd meds, that were helping but not quiet
We still had tons of meltdowns & outburst & fights .
And broken doors & windows & walls
You have to keep talking to your kids doctor about what’s going on to pinpoint if it’s a mood disorder or not .
Than it also takes awhile to figure out which medicine is right
But keep at it don’t give up
Mood disorder medication isn’t a cure .
But it will give your child emotional regularity which they so desperately need
And it will iy”h be a major relief for all family members.