Hosting dilemma | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 10:30 am

I have several married children and nobody lives locally. I love them all but it’s really difficult to host so many of them at once. Whoever comes has to move in. I have room for three families but a fourth means really squeezing in.
Four of my children requested to come. Three of them offered to bring food to help out. The oldest of the lot of four thinks they should have priority because the in laws never invite them. They don’t feel capable of making a 3 day Yom Tov and they want to daven in my town.They are married 17 years and live in a new house. They are not offering to bring food because they are so busy working.
Rosh Hashana is more complicated because I am at the age where my place is to go to shul.
Everyone davens somewhere else so the day meal is not at a fixed time.
I wanted to cancel the oldest family and tell them to come instead for Simchas Torah. It will even things out. They are not taking no for an answer. I had them as guests all the years they were married and this year I just can’t.
By the way I never was a guest for Rosh Hashana all my years after marriage. I made YT for 40 years.
What do I do?

notshanarishona ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 10:45 am

I would think whoever asked first. If you make the priority about who brings food it’s not really fair when you didn’t tell them that’s the reason (likely they would rather contribute than not come). But honestly the bigger problem is that 1) they aren’t taking no for an answer which suggests a lack of kibbuv aim and a sense of entitlement and (2) 3 days before R”H isn’t a good time to back out on anyone. I would just squish

amother

Iris

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 10:47 am

I cannot believe that adults married for 17 years aren't taking no for an answer! That is crazy. You need to be more assertive and tell them clearly that you cannot host them for yom tov.

amother

Orange ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 10:53 am

I really dont think you can say no.

You are hosting 3 out 4 children and canceling on one of them?

You shouldn't do that.

Just squish.

What you can do is set boundaries.

Hello kids. I am buying lots of challa rolls and making very simple easy to warm up food. Lots of snacks as well. Since rosh Hashanah is such a busy and hard to schedule yom tov, I expect the following:

Everyone can make their meal when it is convenient for them and they get home from shul. Warm up your food amd use challa rolls. Everyone clean up and leave the kitchen and dining room pleasant for whoever is eating next.

I'm so happy to have you join us. I will be in shul most of the day and therefore not available to serve and clean up throughout the day and varying schedules.

Looking forward to eating and chilling together over shabbos! Baruch Hashem for 3 day yomtov!

amother

Daylily

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 11:09 am

Well you must be doing something right that all your kids want to come!!
Tell your child that they can order some take out or whatever but it's simply too much work for you. Maybe they can bring desserts, dips, challas..they need to do their share. Everyone must contribute.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 11:13 am

“You are hosting 3 out 4 children and canceling on one of them?”

I have other children who are making their own RH. 4 is the number who asked to come. Each have their legitimate reason to come.

amother

Offwhite

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 11:15 am

amother OP wrote:

[quote="
(2) 3 days before R”H isn’t a good time to back out on anyone. I would just squish

I told them 2 weeks before but they haven’t stopped trying[/quote]
Were u firm? At this point if you weren’t dont think its so nice to do to someone

amother

Catmint

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 11:18 am

As a mother of many married, who hosts alot, I understand you perfectly. To begin with Rosh Hashonah is not a hosting yom tov, because you are in shul most of the day, which is your place. And you come home exhausted.
I would very clearly put my foot down and explain to the oldest, sorry this does not work for me, at this time. We would love to host you for Simchas Torah. Not open to discussing this any further.

amother

Azure ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 11:55 am

I agree that its late to not let them come - it might be too late to get seats at their shul at this stage. But I would have a serious conversation with your dc. They really should be making YT at 17 years married, especially RH is not a hard YT to make yourself.

sub

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 12:00 pm

amother Orange wrote:

Love this.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 12:00 pm

By the time they're married 17 years, they should have be hosting you for a few years already. Cut their apron strings, host the younger sibs, and give your bechor/a the compliment of believing that they will figure out how to manage on their own. It's time.

flowerpower

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 12:01 pm

My mother only allows 2 families to move in at a time. How do you handle 4 families? Isn’t that a lot? Aren’t you exhausted?? I think you should implement more rules before you get very burnt out. Who goes away rh anyways? It’s not a going away kind of yt. Being married 17 years…. When will she start making yt exactly? Its a long time already.

amother

Fuchsia

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 12:05 pm

If they always come for yt and the others don't, the. Yes, the oldest can stay home. Making yt, even 3 day yt, should be doable for any married couple. Have they never made yt before?

But two weeks notice is pretty short to tell them they can't come. Did they only ask two weeks ago?

zaq ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 12:06 pm

The utter nerve of continuing to noodge after you said no is staggering. Stick to your guns. You and only you decide whom, if anyone, you're going to host. This couple sounds like a couple of spoiled brats. (I wonder how that happened?) If they haven't yet learned how to make YT themselves, now is the perfect time for them to start. Don't enable their learned helplessness.

↑ zaq ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 2:17 pm

amother Apricot wrote:

I agree, put your foot down and give a form NO
I wonder if they would just show up at your doorstep erev rosh Hashana anyway..

In which case OP could hand them some sheets and blankets or sleeping bags, assuming she has enough spares, and tell them to make themselves at home in the basement, attic or garage. Oh, and while they're at it, can they kindly go to the supermarket and buy some prepared food, because she was not expecting them and may not have enough food to go around.

amother

↑ Orange ↓

Sun, Sep 29 2024, 2:21 pm

zaq wrote:

I don't recommend following this advice.

You can be right or you can have a relationship with your kids.

There is a middle ground between getting walked all over by your kids and being so shtark in your principals that your kids resent you.

If my kids showed up unannounced, I'd find the parents beds if at all possible and have them pitch in to make food.

But I'd hope to come to some sort of resolution and not have this situation happen to begin with.