Long-term crying in playgroup

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers

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amother

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 7:38 am

So there's a kid in my child's playgroup who is still crying for about two hours every day. (This is an improvement; originally the child was crying the entire four hours of playgroup.)

The morah says she's never had a child cry for so long like this. When I drop off, if the child is already there, I can tell because of the loud crying...Even worse, the morah says that the last two hours of the day the child is sitting on a chair quietly watching the rest of the kids play.

I know she's been speaking with the parents. I don't know exactly what was said. Originally I felt nervous that the morah's full attention was on this one child for most of the day, and the rest of the kids weren't getting any attention. Now I just feel awful for the child. The morah is really fantastic, but you can tell she sort of feels at this point like there's only so much attention she can pay to one screaming child when it means shortchanging the others. So although for the first week or two of school she was giving lots of attention to this child, holding her while she was screaming, but it was really hard for the rest of the kids. At this point, she just sort of lets her cry...

If you're a playgroup morah, what would you do at this point? Is it really okay to just let her cry all day? As a parent, what would you do? I'm trying to see both sides of things, and especially without knowing the situation the parents are in (desperately needing childcare in order to keep a job, or for another reason), it's kind of easy. But it just hurts me so much to hear this poor child crying and crying like that. I have full confidence that the morah is fantastic (I've dropped in randomly in the middle of the day to drop off late or pick up early, and she's always super-morah, with all the kids engaged and happy), she's just also so sweet that I can't see her demanding that this child needs to stop coming. But how can this continue all day? With yomim tovim coming up, I can only imagine how hard it's going to be for this little girl...

Has anyone dealt with something like this before? What did you do?

amother

Milk

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 7:41 am

My neighbor works, she has no choice but to send her child to daycare. Her toddler started a new daycare at the beginning of the summer. He cried non stop. She took him our & since then she's tried 2 different daycare's and he still cries. She has no choice but to leave him at his current one. She needs childcare. The crying is better, he'd cry all day at the beginning.

bsy

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:09 am

As a mother, I'd take off and stay with my child the whole time while they get more comfortable. A crying toddler for so long isn't okay with me

amother

Skyblue

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:14 am

As a morah I would say we can't accomodate a child who is crying all day. As a parent I would find a way stay home.

amother

Brunette

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:18 am

bsy wrote:

As a mother, I'd take off and stay with my child the whole time while they get more comfortable. A crying toddler for so long isn't okay with me

Many Morahs aren't comfortable with the mothers staying the whole time. And how would your child get more comfortable if you're there all the time and then one day just disappear in the middle?

amother

Gold

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:34 am

I'm a morah and I said it's not working out for me or the child when that happened a few years ago.
It's cruel to the kid, not fair for me or the other kids! It really effects the atmosphere of the group.
It's not normal for a child to cry so long imo. I've only experienced that once in my 14 plus years as a morah.

amother

Goldenrod

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 9:41 am

As another mother I’d be upset. All the kids shouldn’t have to hear and see a child cry all day. That’s traumatizing for all of them. I’d insist she tell the parents it’s not working out.

amother

Ginger

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 10:40 am

Didn’t read all the responses but I want to share a story. I’ve been a toddler morah for awhile now. One year I had a little boy (young two) who cried for his mommy nonstop(like hysterically ) all day every day until after sukkos he stopped and was perfectly happy.

I learned from that with kids this young you can’t count anything that happens before sukkos .

amother

Camellia

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 12:09 pm

This yr in day camp I had a 2 1/2 yr old kid who cried nonstop for 7 days. I almost kicked him out. Actually told mother maybe he's just too young and it's not working out.
Next day he stopped crying. I think mother told him he won't be able to come if he keeps in crying.

amother

Brickred ↓

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 1:02 pm

I work in a gan. Last year we had a kid (almost 2) who cried from drop off (7:30) until pick up (4) unless he was sleeping or sitting on one of the ganenets lap. This lasted almost half the year. It was plain awful. The mother could not have taken off half a year of work. Thats not realistic. It was what it was. We later found out that the older sisiter at the same age had been the same way. Some kids just never acclimate. Most do. For some it just takes way longer than others.
But please know that if this is how it is, hopefully no one ganenet is being with the kid all of the time. That why they are crying. This one kid, when one specific ganenet was holding him or having him on her lap, he would stop. We had to trade off from time to time. No one kid gets a specific ganenet's attention all day. It doesnt work that way.

s c ↓

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 2:19 pm

I had a child like that years ago with huge separation anxiety and am forever grateful to the playgroup morah even all these years later who let me stay and leave gradually. First just going into the other room snd coming back and then popping out to do 'shopping' in small increments until he was OK being left. But obviously this can't work for someone who needs the childcare to go to work. I would not have been ok leaving my child to cry day after day for weeks.

amother

Strawberry

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 2:23 pm

I had a 9 months old who took really long to settle, cried every day alot more than any other kids I ever had. The parents were really worried.
Eventually shortly after sukkos he stopped and was the most happiest kid I had.
By the end of the year he was the happiest kid by me and cried on days off because he wanted to come to me.

amother

↑ Brickred ↓

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 2:24 pm

s c wrote:

And what do you suggest for the mothers who have to leave to get to work? Most parents are sending such young kids because they have to work.

amother

Lightblue

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 7:08 pm

Someone just told me a story about Reb Chaim Kanievsky that he would bring a sefer with him to gan and sit in the back of the room, and stay there I think all day for a few days, till his child got used to it. I'm sure no one dared to say anything to him even if it made them feel uncomfortable. In any event he was probably very into his sefer and just his physical presence was grounding for his child.
I think this is very telling and a good path to follow.

amother

Daffodil

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 7:13 pm

I’d try to have the child gradually acclimate to the group. For example, bring the child in for one hour everyday for one week, then move up to 2 and then 3 and agree to pick the child up early if he cries for an hour straight. I would also try different tactics , prizes , activities he enjoys, sending him in with a blanket of stuffed animal from home. If everything fails, he’s just not ready. I’d take him out and wait another year to try again. If you need childcare, maybe a babysitter in your home could work.

amother

Cantaloupe

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 7:15 pm

Leaving a child crying hysterically in a playgroup long term (more than a few weeks of adjustment) like you described should NOT be an option ever. There are always always other options. If you do this, I judge you and you should know it. Quit your job and open a playgroup.

↑ s c

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 7:58 pm

amother Brickred wrote:

And what do you suggest for the mothers who have to leave to get to work? Most parents are sending such young kids because they have to work.

My child was nearly 3 and I onky sent him out to learn to separate for his sake. I don't know how parents who have to get to a job do it but I still wouldn't be hapoy leaving my child cry for weeks on end.

amother

Daisy

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 8:02 pm

When I had kids who cried (all but one of them!), I asked morahif I could stay each day after drop off to ease the kid in.
First I'd stay for an hour... Then 40 minutes... Then 20 minutes... And within 1.5 weeks, the crying would be done.

amother

Lightgreen

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 8:24 pm

amother Daffodil wrote:

This is what I do. Adjust slowly bit by bit.

amother

Raspberry

Sat, Sep 28 2024, 8:25 pm

I had a child like that last year. I would hold him on my lap while playing blocks and slowly transition him to sitting next to me and eventually gradually moving further away once the child was busy playing.
I made sure to let the mother know that as a morah I felt the child was very anxious but I wasn't sure if it was within a norm for that age.

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