Upset at my high school teen daughter

amother

OP ↓

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 10:16 pm

After school my daughter got upset at me because I didn’t have a chance to go to a store to pick up a dress we had wanted her to try. She said - you don’t even work what were you so busy with that you couldn’t go? Laundry?
When I responded I had other things to do and was Cleaning she said well didn’t the cleaning lady clean. ( she didn’t know lady cancelled today) Then she left the room.
My husband went to her and told her she must apologize. It’s a few hours later. She hasn’t yet. I haven’t spoken to her since then which isn’t unusual as she’s on the phone with friends and In and out of the house. But I’m not sure how to respond if she does apologize or what to do tomorrow if she doesn’t.
Sorry for the ramble. I was really hurt when she commented what do you do all day. I literally clean and run all errands and straighten up etc.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 10:21 pm

Can you tell her you aren't picking up her dress till she apologizes for being disrespectful?

If I do favors for someone, the minimum expectation is to be semi polite.

amother

Orchid ↓

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 10:23 pm

She was out of line. You don't owe her anything. Don't let her treat you like a shmatta. She should defnitely apologize for her behavior. Hugs op! May you see lots of nachas from her.
If she apologizes that's great! and make it your business to go get it for her.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 10:25 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

Can you tell her you aren't picking up her dress till she apologizes for being disrespectful?

If I do favors for someone, the minimum expectation is to be semi polite.

Yes of course. But what should I respond if/ when she apologizes. Also I’m thinking her comment about laundry. Maybe I should not touch her room for a few
Days so she can “see” what I do every day. Like don’t do her laundry or don’t go in and straighten up ( I do a little she does most every few days ) Or is that just being petty.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 10:27 pm

Fave wrote:

I would let it go. She was just acting like a frustrated teen that was disappointed that her plans for dress shopping were disrupted.

You are right it was out of character but still I feel like it was unacceptable

amother

↑ Orchid ↓

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 10:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Depends if this is a first time offense. Does she ever say such things?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 10:31 pm

amother Orchid wrote:

Depends if this is a first time offense. Does she ever say such things?

It was first time. Shes not usually chutzpedik but this was beyond anything I would’ve expected from her. She’s usually very mature and normal.

amother

↑ Orchid

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 10:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

It was first time. Shes not usually chutzpedik but this was beyond anything I would’ve expected from her. She’s usually very mature and normal.

So it's a little different then. I would say to her, I was just so shocked, it's totally not your type to speak like that. Is everything ok? (if she's not the type to do this, she's probably very embarrassed at her outburst and that she lost control)

amother

Peachpuff

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 10:35 pm

I do believe there should be some consequence , letting her do her own laundry for a time seems like a good choice
Can you tell her that it was hurtful to you that she spoke like that? I think that may be more effective than “ it’s unacceptable “

amother

PlumPink

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 10:42 pm

as a rule, mother's dont have to find excuses for their kids. What if you just had a day out with your friends and didn't pickup that dress? that's ok too! I never tell them I was very busy cleaning etc. It doesn't matter, they are not in control of what you are doing. You can just say, I couldn't do it today I can try to do it for you tomorrow or perhaps if you dont want to wait you can pick it up yourself. But I do think she just had a bad day in school and acted up, nothing with you. You shouldn't feel upset, its not about you. But it's good to remind her her boundaries.

queen esther

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 10:47 pm

My teens are boys so not as emotionally dramatic I think but I do get the attitude that comes off sometimes.
I think if my kid said that, I'd be a little insulted but more able to see that they are coming from an immature selfish mentality as is normal for a teen. Not okay, but expected.... So I would want to be mechanech at a later time when they've cooled off, " hey DD, I know you were upset I couldn't get the dress when we had planned, but the way you spoke then was very disrespectful and I'm surprised to hear it. I don't need to justify my day to you, if I say I was busy then there were things that had to get done. Please rememberer to be respectful even if you're upset. " I don't know I'd do some tit for tat not cleaning her stuff unless I felt she needed that consequence. But then I think I'd rather just tell her she needs to help more and here's her responsibilities etc instead of making it be bc she spoke that way.....lol just my thoughts now, in real life who knows!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 11:00 pm

Thanks for all your comments and
Advise. Just to update -
She handed me a note just now basically saying that she wasn’t thinking and she appreciates everything I do and knows
Im busy. And apologies.
And of course she’s back on the phone …
I’m thinking to just go to sleep and not mention it again…. But I’m not sure. And tomorrow I have appointments and really can’t go get the dress. If she had apologized earlier I would’ve tried To see if the store was Open tonight.

amother

Honeysuckle

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 11:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

I think the note is enough and you should accept the apology. I think if she’s being mature enough to apologize you can be mature enough to accept it.

Regarding the dress- tell her you’ll go the next day or whenever you can. Or drop her off at the store while you go to your appointment so she can try it on. Also can you clarify what you meant by a dress that “we wanted her to get” Whos we? If you were pushing for this dress then I think it changes the context a little bit

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 11:19 pm

We saw the dress in the store window thought it may be nice for her but didn’t have time to go in and try it on. Wasn’t pushing just mentioned I would go in and buy it for her to try Because she liked it.

ittsamother

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 11:26 pm

That's sweet that she wrote the note, it's hard to apologize so she found a way to make it more doable. I say save the note... and accept it as her apology and don't bring it up with her again. I don't think she needs to be told anything further, clearly she knows she was out of line and regrets it.

amother

Chambray

Thu, Sep 26 2024, 11:48 pm

You can let go of being upset at her because she probably had a hard day or just acted impulsively and we all make mistakes and say things we don't mean (are you that mythical mother who never yelled at her kids because you were frustrated?) And she apologized. You're not teaching her that she can get away with it, you're teaching her that people can make mistakes and be forgiven.

Also, you don't have time to go tomorrow. It's not a consequence that you're not going davka because of what she said. You're allowed to be busy and have other things to do. You can say, sweetie. I wish I had time to go today but I don't. I'm going to try and go tomorrow. Sorry I know it's really annoying. You can dialed it her feelings and still do what you need to do.

seeker

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 12:30 am

Thank her for the note! Maybe I missed it but I don't think I saw that yet. She did the right thing by apologizing and you want to give that positive feedback for it. Sounds like she already realizes she was out of line and doesn't need that explained again. Though you could mention that iyh one day she'll be a mother and will understand that it can be complicated to fit everything in!

amother

Gladiolus

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 12:33 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes
Definitely
I would save some cleaning for her. On top of not going shopping

imaima

Fri, Sep 27 2024, 12:35 am

amother OP wrote:

Well then it doesn’t work out yet