Go into debt for IVF with sif-yay or nay

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 7:20 am

I went into debt for secondary. We were BH able to pull off a few cycles when we had primary. Then we borrowed for the next retrieval plus hopefully a few frozen from a gemach. We BH were successful from some frozen and failed some others. As I was getting older, we borrowed the same amount again in order to hopefully have more in the freezer. We figured that there’s a cap on this expense as I would no longer be doing cycles at a much older age. We almost paid off the first big loan. The failures were gut wrenching and the financial part is very tight, but we borrowed enough and plot into enough payments that it’s kind of doable. It’s hard-and for sure do a gemach and only do it if you have a relevant payment plan, but I don’t regret it all even though I desperately desperately need a new sheitel and can’t afford… I do try to get my kids some fun things. I prioritize some of the little extras so that we don’t feel the pinch as much. But my kids have each added such joy to my house, and I’m so glad we did it. And after almost two decades of never getting naturally, we did baruch Hashem, bli ayin hora-. So one can never know what Hashem had in store.
If you have a payment plan and are doing a gemach or non interest loan… I can’t tell you what to do. Only that while the failures were so so hard, and the miscarriages were horrible-we definitely went into debt for it and don’t regret it.
I’ll daven for you either way.
Being put into this position is so painful. You wish you could just wake up pregnant and not need to invest the money, pain, early mornings, shots and everything time and again. And not need to choose between financial outlays in other needed things and IVF. It’s really hard.

amother

Honeysuckle

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 11:59 am

I can only tell you what I might do, we are in a similar but somewhat different boat. We have 2 of the same gender after PIF and SIF, and I'm around 40, so not much chances left per the doctors based on my medical history.

We are in Israel, so the cost isn't as much of a factor. However, I have health issues - physical and psychological. Nothing serious. But for me, fertility treatments mess with my health, as does pregnancy, new baby, etc. I would consider the psychological ramifications and the functional ramifications - whether because of health or because of debt. When I had no children, or only one, I was often willing to sacrifice more. But having two kids already, I wouldn't make those same sacrifices again. Basically, if health issues, or debt, or IVF not working would impact my psychological well being, or that of my husband or children, then I would not have another one now. If health issues, or debt, or IVF not working would impact my ability to be funcitonal, or for my husband to be, or for my household/children to be (e.g., can't have a functional household because you just don't have enough money), then I would not have another one now.

For reference, I have pretty much decided that I am not going through fertility treatments again. I have 2 of the same gender, wish I had a boy also, but there are no guarantees if I had more that I would ever have a boy (we know someone with 9 girls and no boys!), or even that it would work and I would have any more children at all. I do wish that I would have already had more. But for me, the 'cost', though not a dollar cost, is too high - the psychological well-being and ability to function of me and my family (both of which can also be negatively affected by debt), is not worth the sacrifice for my existing kids and for my and for my husband and for my marriage.

Other people might make different decisions in my place or in your place, and it is very individual. There is no right answer for everyone or anyone, just a choice and you have to make a decision.

I went to a shiur before the treatment that gave me my 2nd, and the rebbetzin said, on a totally different topic, that people often daven for somethng they really want. But we shouldn't just daven for tangible outcomes, we should daven for clarity in what our decisions are. This was an interesting game changer for me, I started davening for clarity, and that helped me be more at peace somehow. Instead of focusing on what decision is the right decision objectively, it refocused me on trying to be more attuned to myself to which decision feels right for me. And to understand that not only do things I get feel like a gift from Hashem (like a child), but the clarity to decide one way or the other is also a gift from Hashem.

amother

↑ OP

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 3:44 pm

Thank you everyone who has replied, particularly those with their detailed and nuanced replies. You have all been really helpful in helping me develop my thinking.
And I really resonated with the idea of davening for clarity! I've heard it before but had forgotten. I want to know that we had the ability to think clearly and come to the right decision for us.
I know there's a reasonable chance that IVF won't work but it also might. And something I was very certain was it was this try and if it works, it works. I'm not doing endless rounds of IVF for emotional and physical reasons (never mind the financial).
And yes there's no guarantee that we will get the other gender, but even another child of the same gender would still be a blessing.