S/O wedding crisis

amother

Broom

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:05 am

I think this question should be answered by 2 people.
The under age 45 group
The over the age of 45 group.
Under the age of 45 I would have been insulted to not be invited for a wedding, meal , excitement. (This goes for working friends, (that I worked with) neighbors, and Shul friends.
I married off our first child at age 50. I had no idea what it took to make a wedding.
Now, Bh' I know what the expenses are. I am sooooo not insulted if a neighbor (acquaintance) does not invite for a meal. I will go say Mazel Tov if it's within 15 min. away. If it's an hour away I will not go at all unless they are family or super duper close to us.

↑ mha3484

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:14 am

amother Broom wrote:

I second this but I think in my 20s and early 30s I was less tired and my kids had fewer needs. Now with a 3 year old to an almost 14 year old I do feel like I need to budget my evenings. I'm not a martyr when I want to go to something I go but there are plenty of nights I am really happy to stay home or just go out for 30 minutes and come home.

amother

Linen

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:15 am

I can go to 2 weddings a week. I’m under 45 - live in an older neighborhood.

It costs the basl simcha nothing. I go and wish Mazel tov. Dance. Eat nothing.

Most of my friends and neighbors do this in my age group.

I find it’s more the older crowd that actually goes by the chuppah a sits down and eats the meal.

Otherwise it’s mainly family, chassan and kallah friends or really really good family friends that actually join the meal.

Families alone can be huge. In our family alone there are 100 ppl just aunts, uncles, first cousins and spouses and great aunts and uncles and grandparents. You can’t really cut that out. When we make sheva brachos for immediate family adults only we are already at 80 ppl and that is not from a big family. And that is just one side of the one side. Like father side of the kallah.

take 2 sides you are at 200 guests of immediate family without even factoring in friends of the bride and groom.

essie14

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:28 am

I am over 45.
It's not a thing in our community to invite acquaintances or random people from shul to your simcha.
Every once in a while we get an invitation from someone we're not really that close with and I decline. Usually the weddings are over an hour away and I really have no interest in spending a whole night at a wedding of someone's child I barely know.
When it's someone we feel close to of course we go.
I've never been insulted not to be invited to a wedding.

amother

↑ Seashell ↓

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:29 am

mha3484 wrote:

See, here's where I disagree.
I'm in my mid 20s and have zero patience to get all dressed up at night just to go out for these 20 minutes. It's true that we have fewer kids who might have fewer needs, but don't forget that they're younger and can be harder to manage plus we don't have the help of an older child. Most of us also work, so we come home already exhausted to a home and family that needs our full attention. Husbands aren't always around to help so we juggle it all on our own and then collapse once they're all finally settled for the night. That's usually my personal breaking point, it's when I just sit and do nothing for an hour or two till I can muster up enough energy to get moving again.

Going out is a burden for me. I can maybe see it get easier as the kids grow up.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Sep 12 2024, 2:21 pm

amother Linen wrote:

This. OP, you're barking up the wrong true. Acquaintances are already not invited to the meal in many (most?) places. The guests filling up the hall at the meal are family, and maybe this is where we need to start cutting back.

I disagree with this post in that we can't cut this out. Does every first and second cousin really need to be invited to the entire wedding?

I also think the chosson and kallah can be more selective in who they invite. Yes, they need and deserve to have their good friends there, but why does it have to be a rule that the kallah automatically invites her entire class, from high school and seminary? Why can't it just be close friends for the meal and everyone else for dancing, just like the adults do?

I DO think it's possible to rethink the way we've been doing weddings for years and the proof is in Lakewood bar mitzvahs.

I look at photos of dh's bar mitzvah a loooon time ago and there is just no comparison to my sons'. In those days, they had a shmorg AND a sweet table for bar mitzvahs, an elaborate meal, crowds of 150-200, and this was besides a big splash on Shabbos. In Lakewood, it's become very common to make a super-simple bar mitzvah during the week OR Shabbos, not both. Guest list is close family only and no one's insulted, because that's just the way it's done. Why can't we do something similar for weddings? I know it's not possible for them to be as small with two different sides, but why can't they be a LOT smaller than they are now?