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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Simcha Section
Would you be insulted if you weren’t invited to the wedding?
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| Yes |
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9% |
[ 4 ] |
| No |
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90% |
[ 39 ] |
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| Total Votes : 43 |
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amother
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 Thu, Sep 12 2024, 8:57 am
Spin off of the wedding crisis thread, where a lot of people suggested that instead of doing a destination wedding, we should cut down on the guest lists ourselves.
Would you be insulted if you weren’t invited to an acquaintance’s wedding? What about a friend’s wedding? What if one side thinks they’re a friend and the other side thinks they’re an acquaintance?
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amother
Forsythia
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 9:02 am
One major benefit of having had a Covid wedding was that we could invite hundreds of guests…on Zoom!
We had a much smaller crowd in person.
I loved being able to “attend” weddings without having to get dressed up, get a babysitter, find parking, etc.
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amother
PlumPink
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 9:06 am
It's very common in my community to only invite family and very close friends for the meal itself, but everyone else is welcome for chuppah/dancing.
Or just keep the meal for family only. That's really where most of the cost is.
I've been to many beautiful weddings like this.
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shabbatiscoming
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 9:11 am
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I dont get inviting aquaintances to a wedding. Why? A simcha should be an intimate affair for those that mean something to you. Not just someone you know.
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amother
Opal
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 9:38 am
I am B”H having this problem now. I have no idea where to cut my guest list for DS‘s wedding ( the first one I’m making.)
The wedding is a bloody fortune per person. If I don’t invite anybody. There is nobody to dance and share in the simcha. there are those who I really like, but not sure how close they think they are with me, those have invited me who I wasn’t sure why I was invited to, and those who always expect to be invited to everything and hurt when they’re not because they think they are, everybody’s best friend.
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Chayalle
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 9:51 am
I was trying to answer the poll, and realized that the social norms where I live are affecting my thinking.
So - the way things work in Lakewood, NY, etc...at least in my circles is that people go to weddings less, not more.
When I get an invitation to an acquaintance's wedding, it's an invitation to join in her Simcha and wish her Mazal Tov. Most of the time, unless it's a really close friend, I go to either the Kabalas Panim/Chuppah (where there's a shmorg, and not a per-person cost anyway) or I go in later for dancing (I might take a drink if I need one). It's not expected that I would attend the dinner, unless it's close family/friends.
The social norms pretty much keep people's guest lists from getting too long or needing more seats than the minimum at the halls allow anyway.
So there's no reason for me not to get invited to an acquaintance's Simcha - it costs them, at most, the cost of the invitation.
One big cost saving feature that the yeshiva community hasn't yet adopted is e-invites. If that would happen, it would definitely save $$$.....
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watergirl
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 9:55 am
If you are my acquaintance, please send me if anything, a digital invitation to the chuppah. I really don't want to go to an entire wedding and buy a gift for someone I am not friends with anymore than you want to feed me and pay for my plate.
If you are my friend and are making a budget wedding, please send me a digital invitation to the chuppah. I really don't want you to feel like you have to fork out the money to pay for my dry chicken, potatos, and green beans. I understand fully.
If you are extended family, see above.
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Chayalle
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 9:59 am
| watergirl wrote: | If you are my acquaintance, please send me if anything, a digital invitation to the chuppah. I really don't want to go to an entire wedding and buy a gift for someone I am not friends with anymore than you want to feed me and pay for my plate.
If you are my friend and are making a budget wedding, please send me a digital invitation to the chuppah. I really don't want you to feel like you have to fork out the money to pay for my dry chicken, potatos, and green beans. I understand fully.
If you are extended family, see above. |
But what if the expectation is that your acquaintance or extended family was merely stopping in to wish you Mazal Tov, maybe be at the Chuppah (but there is no expectation of a gift, and no seat at the dinner)?
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amother
Blonde
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:05 am
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In my circles, close family is invited for meal & everyone is welcome for dancing.
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amother
Carnation
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:05 am
OP, it would depend on the community norms. If it became the norm to only invite close family and friends, then it wouldn’t be insulting.
..except to those who thought they were closer than they are…
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amother
Tanzanite
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:06 am
I am impressed with someone standing up to their ideals.
My first cousin who I never see or speak to, married off her child and didn’t invite me. I was ok. My mom and my aunt was not
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Mommyg8
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:14 am
| Chayalle wrote: | I was trying to answer the poll, and realized that the social norms where I live are affecting my thinking.
So - the way things work in Lakewood, NY, etc...at least in my circles is that people go to weddings less, not more.
When I get an invitation to an acquaintance's wedding, it's an invitation to join in her Simcha and wish her Mazal Tov. Most of the time, unless it's a really close friend, I go to either the Kabalas Panim/Chuppah (where there's a shmorg, and not a per-person cost anyway) or I go in later for dancing (I might take a drink if I need one). It's not expected that I would attend the dinner, unless it's close family/friends.
The social norms pretty much keep people's guest lists from getting too long or needing more seats than the minimum at the halls allow anyway.
So there's no reason for me not to get invited to an acquaintance's Simcha - it costs them, at most, the cost of the invitation.
One big cost saving feature that the yeshiva community hasn't yet adopted is e-invites. If that would happen, it would definitely save $$$..... |
Yes, exactly! I guess these types of weddings are the only ones I get invited to because I was trying to figure out why everyone is talking about cutting down the guest list.. some people have smaller families and some people have larger families, so it really depends on that. If both sides are from large families, you can fill up your quota with first cousins alone. Acquaintances stop by and say mazel tov - if they're nice - but rarely sit down to a meal.
People usually come either for the badeken/chuppah or for the dancing... I can get more than five invitations a week and there's no way I'm leaving my family for hours each night! At the last close family members wedding I went to, I watched, fascinated, how many people actually came but the crowd changed completely from the beginning to the end! Basically people coming and going all night.
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amother
Antiquewhite
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:19 am
Bh there are kyh so many simchas in the frum community. People can be busy constantly. Away from our families, shir shul etc. On a nightly basis.
Please don't invite me so I don't have to feel bad staying home with my family and giving you an excuse for not coming.
...when we really feel close to someone and want to share in their simcha we go out of our way to share the simcha without an invitation! (Stop by say Mazel tov, attend Kiddush, send present)
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mha3484
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:23 am
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I second Chayalle and Mommy8. Best thing my city did was make a wedding hall Lakewood style 10 minutes out of the neighborhood. Its extremely easy to go wish a mazal tov and go home. The last full wedding I went to was a neighbor who I am pretty close to but unless your a really close friend I cant see why I would go for the meal.
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watergirl
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:24 am
| Chayalle wrote: | | But what if the expectation is that your acquaintance or extended family was merely stopping in to wish you Mazal Tov, maybe be at the Chuppah (but there is no expectation of a gift, and no seat at the dinner)? |
I don't have expectations - but I also don't have a lot of acquaintances or extended family to be honest.
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amother
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:30 am
To echo everyone else, it's interesting how this varies in different communities.
When I get an invite to a wedding, unless it's not super close family, I know it's just to wish Mazal Tov and stay for a few minutes of dancing. I'd never even think of attending a meal if the kallah isn't family or a very close friend.
Often invitations are sent for courtesy sake, like the sender wants to make sure I'm aware of her simcha but is barely an acquaintance and doesn't expect me to show my face at all. These are the weddings I usually skip.
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amother
Wandflower
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:35 am
| amother Seashell wrote: |
Often invitations are sent for courtesy sake, like the sender wants to make sure I'm aware of her simcha but is barley |
That'll cut down on her gluten-free guests then!
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acemom
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:35 am
| amother Tanzanite wrote: | I am impressed with someone standing up to their ideals.
My first cousin who I never see or speak to, married off her child and didn’t invite me. I was ok. My mom and my aunt was not |
I have friends I'm closer with than with some of my first cousins.
I'll gladly skip simchas from cousins, where I feel "obligated" to attend, but have no real interest in doing so.
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amother
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:39 am
| acemom wrote: | I have friends I'm closer with than with some of my first cousins.
I'll gladly skip simchas from cousins, where I feel "obligated" to attend, but have no real interest in doing so. |
Me too. I don't do this whole obligation thing very well. In the recent years I've skipped more cousins weddings than I've attended. My life's busy enough without me going on unnecessary outings where my presence is hardly noticed or appreciated.
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mha3484
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Thu, Sep 12 2024, 10:45 am
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I have had a few friends/acquaintances lately have their boys get married and I found that going to the Aufruf and wishing mazel tov there worked out great.
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