Should I care that my child isn’t succeeding academically?

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 9:54 pm

It’s the 4th day of 2nd grade and the teacher called to tell me that my kid is spaced out all day long.
She tried a few tricks and switched her seat none of which worked
This kid is carefree and happy
I had her evaluated and nothing is wrong according to the BOE
On one hand I want to just leave her alone. She’s great and doesn’t bother anyone .. on the other hand once tests start in 3-4th grade she’s totally gonna catch on that she’s not excelling and that may really affect her self esteem ..
older/more experienced moms, can u give me ur chizzuk stories ??

amother

Candycane ↓

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 10:00 pm

My kid spaced out all day didn’t fill out papers and I got hundreds of calls. Had to start services for no reason even though testing showed above average intelligence and didn’t really have a diagnosis. But kids who don’t work well in a classroom must get help according to them. In 4th grade tests started and despite all the lack of class work and participation she was a 95 student. At that point I said leave us alone she is obviously fine. I would do nothing. I regret torturing my kid. Just because she learns differently and looks different doesn’t mean we need to torture our kids to fit molds.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 10:33 pm

amother Candycane wrote:

What if tests start and she’s like a 70 ish student . That a more likely scenario ..

amother

↑ Candycane

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 10:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

What if tests start and she’s like a 70 ish student . That a more likely scenario ..

Then you’ll get her tutoring. Or not. Why can’t someone be a weak student? I just think there is too much pressure to make all the students the same. Why do you think she’ll be a weak student? Does she seem to be behind her peers now?

amother

Tomato

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 10:36 pm

Yeshivah is very hard
I had to go to summer school in fourth grade
I got poor marks in high school
Wish I went to public school

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 10:42 pm

amother Candycane wrote:

She’s def a weak student. Otherwise very well liked and does great socially. I don’t want her naïveté to ever go away

amother

DarkKhaki ↓

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 10:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

What if tests start and she’s like a 70 ish student . That a more likely scenario ..

I have two kids who literally fail classes. One had to do summer school. I don’t care, it says nothing about them as human beings.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 10:48 pm

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

I have two kids who literally fail classes. One had to do summer school. I don’t care, it says nothing about them as human beings.

Who “makes” them do summer school!?! I’d never want that for her even at the cost of a diploma!!

amother

Darkblue

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 10:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

She’s def a weak student. Otherwise very well liked and does great socially. I don’t want her naïveté to ever go away

If the BOE evaluated her and found nothing wrong then she's not a weak student. She's a girl who wants to space out right now but there's no reason to assume that she will always be weak.

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 10:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

Who “makes” them do summer school!?! I’d never want that for her even at the cost of a diploma!!

The school. They threatened to not pass my child to the next grade. Thankfully it was online, and my husband and I were able to do it. Why? Because it never should have gotten to that in the first place. The teachers do nothing to help the students.

Magnolia72

Mon, Sep 09 2024, 11:36 pm

School isn't for everyone. If it's important to you maybe look at getting him a tutor

amother

Springgreen

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 2:51 am

As both a mother and professional I’m going to chime in here by answering a few points, and I hope this will be helpful in guiding you towards a decision:

A) the BOE finding no learning disabilities just means there is nothing OBVIOUS that they could pick up with their very BASIC testing. If your kid is spacing out in class, there’s a reason for it. Assuming there is nothing physically wrong with her causing her to be extra tired or weak, and she’s getting enough sleep, and without ruling out anything emotional or trauma-related, she either has ADHD, the work is too hard for her due to some learning difficulty, or the work is too easy for her and she’s under stimulated. Kids don’t space out all day for no reason. BOE testing is notorious for missing lots of things.
B) should you help her if she’s happy right now?
To answer that - you need to know what criteria would warrant intervention of any sort (OT, PT, Speech, Social Work, tutor, etc.). And they’re all sort of intertwined…
1) Self esteem is the most important reason to get help! If the child’s self-esteem is being affected, that’s reason for intervention. So you can have two kids who can only pull 70s, one is happy and content, and one feels badly about it. Only one needs help
2) some sort of ‘dysfunction’ - ie the family is suffering, it’s causing anxiety, the classroom setting isn’t working out because of misbehavior, the child is alienating herself socially (even if he/she doesn’t care right this minute), people are getting hurt, etc…Kid has no friends, kid can’t read….
3) the child won’t have basic life and learning skills such as basic math and reading, basic knowledge about yiddishkeit, for a boy a basic ability to learn Gemara, basic good communication (very important for friendships, holding down a job, having a normal marriage), basic world knowledge and ability to navigate the world, etc.
So let’s take a kid who has decent social skills, feels happy in general, isn’t suffering in their family life and no one in the family or classroom is suffering because of her…
Should you get her help?
It depends.
Right this minute, she doesn’t need help.
BUT
Will she learn basic skills or is she losing out so much on foundational skills that learning in older grades will be a nightmare? Will her self esteem LATER suffer because she got so hopelessly behind as the gap widened and she didn’t have early enough intervention and now it’s impossible to catch up?
Those are the questions you need to try and answer…
And sometimes further evaluation will give you more clarity and you can better answer those questions.
Some kids need help and don’t get it, and that’s really sad. But it’s also sad to push help on kids who can just be happy go lucky kids.
So try your best to answer these questions, be a smart and vigilant parent, and always accept your child for whoever they are. And Hashem will help you with your decision.

Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 3:00 am

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

And what about your responsibility as a parent? Do you engage in the homework of your child? What do you do to top your child besides having him/her taking summer school?

amother

NeonPurple

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 6:29 am

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

The teachers do nothing to help the students.

It sounds like you’re advocating for the parents to do nothing to help the students.

amother

Cream

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 7:00 am

My DD has a diagnosed learning disability and ADD. Quite a severe one. I always had very low pressure extra tutoring and support for her to help her keep up with homework etc even though her grades were not great. I always told her that school is just something she has to get through and as long as she tries that's good enough and she'll find her niche when she leaves school. At around 15, she took matters into her own hands, pushed herself really hard and successfully completed highschool with well above passing grades in every subject. (She was given special consideration) . After high school it took her a while to figure out what path she wanted to follow and after quite a few ups and downs she decided to go to college. She just graduated with flying colours, B"H.

So my advice is to care enough to provide the necessary support but don't make a big deal out of it. If you can ensure that she doesn't feel like a failure because her grades aren't good, she might just to give it her all when she is mature enough to take the responsibility. I know that my story is only one story and not a guarantee for anyone else, but I shared it to show that even the "bad" students can sometimes do very well in the end.

amother

Anemone

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 7:01 am

How old is your child?

Did you read the ami article about kids playing more?
Is your child that age?

My boss literallly read it out to us at teachers training.

Nothing wrong with your child if they dont like work.

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 9:07 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

And what about your responsibility as a parent? Do you engage in the homework of your child? What do you do to top your child besides having him/her taking summer school?

Why don’t feel the need to attack me? You know nothing about me or our my child or our situation, so kindly back down.

amother

↑ DarkKhaki ↓

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 9:09 am

amother NeonPurple wrote:

It sounds like you’re advocating for the parents to do nothing to help the students.

Well, since everyone has decided that I did nothing…..yes, I make sure my child does homework and studies for tests. Yes I had my child evaluated. Yes I got my child a tutor in multiple subjects.
Do you feel better now?
How about everyone stop judging me, based on ONE thing that I wrote, and get back to helping the OP.

↑ Bnei Berak 10 ↓

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 10:34 am

amother DarkKhaki wrote:

Why don’t feel the need to attack me? You know nothing about me or our my child or our situation, so kindly back down.

I'm not attacking you. You hold the teachers responsible and saying they are at fault in the first place as far as I have understood it. It's their fault your kid is doing poorly at school. Or am I missing something here?

amother

Nutmeg

Tue, Sep 10 2024, 10:44 am

I love what Springgreen said. Lots to think about, OP…
As a teacher, and parent of a spaced out kid myself, I think it’s complicated. Grades aren’t everything at all. And some kids are not built for school. But the self esteem point makes it complicated. No matter how little your kid cares about school, there is no way being obviously different then their peers will help. Having the class know exactly where to open their Chumash and point but one child repeatedly has no idea what’s flying, looks around and realizes everyone else gets it and they don’t…how does that not effect them?