[STORY] Damsel in Distress (Update #16 - 26 Iyar p. 23)

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Jun 03 2024, 2:29 am

Your Opinion

The atmosphere is considerably calmer when they sit back down together at the table. The conversation is light and both the Rabbi and Rebbetzin share funny anecdotes about marriage.

But Chava can see that Eli wants to say something.

By the way he keeps glancing at her when he presses his lips together, she can assume that he isn't sure she will want to hear it.

Should she help him out? Chava knows she might regret encouraging him to bring up whatever topic is on his mind. But she is equally aware that if he doesn't say whatever he is thinking before the Cohens leave, he will probably regret it much more.

So she waits for a lull in the conversation and hands Eli his opening.

Eli is startled, then appreciative, and then very, very apprehensive.

"Uh, Rabbi, Rebbetzin?

"We... uh... we were having a discussion before you came, and I... I'd really like to hear your opinion."

Chava looks directly down at the table. She suddenly knows exactly what he's about to say. And she's still not totally past the aftermath of what Eli is generously calling a "discussion." She feels herself flushing and clenches her hands under the table.

Eli glances at Chava desperately for support, but she does not look up.

Instead he glances quickly heavenward, forces his mind into clinical mode, and briefly describes the disagreement they've had over family planning, particularly under the circumstances, and the conclusion they reached.

Rebbetzin Cohen speaks first.

"Really this is a very personal and sensitive topic, and nobody should be giving any opinions without giving you both the chance to be fully heard. We don't have time for that now, unfortunately.

"But before my husband gives an opinion about the actual subject, I'm going to mention something about this little discussion you had.

"In general as long as a husband and wife came to a conclusion they are both willing to live with, and there's no halachic problems with it, that's good in my book.

"But unless my Ruach Hakodesh is very faulty, you probably did not have a calm and respectful discussion about this."

Eli and Chava both grin guiltily.

"What I'd like to point out here is a general observation about — let's call them what they are, fights.

"Eli you didn't really describe things at length. But can I take a wild guess that Chava was not being completely logical?"

Eli, caught by surprise, nods vehemently.

"Chava, even though men are usually more logical, you can probably say the same thing about some of his comments?"

Chava looks up a little shyly and also nods.

"Okay, so you're both normal. Boruch Hashem.

"So I'd like to point out that when people get completely illogical, it is because they are not talking about logic. They are talking about feelings.

"And feelings don't go away when faced with facts. You have to brush them away."

Chava starts to interject. "But —"

Rebbetzin Cohen holds up a hand and continues. "No, not brush them off like they're not worth anything. Brush them.

"Ever used a brush on long hair?"

Chava nods, and Eli does too, thinking of his younger sisters.

"You brush through, hit tangles, try again. Sometimes you need to pull apart the tangle or take out something that's stuck.

"Then you brush it through, again and again to catch the smaller tangles and then just to smooth the hair. At first it takes longer, but every time you brush it through gets easier and leaves the hair smoother.

"You have to remember that the same thing is true with emotions. You have to hear them out, again and again, don't get too caught up with the tangles, try again. Emotions get calmed by being heard.

"With a fight about emotions, there will never be a conclusion if you try to address it with sechel.

"Once the emotions are out of the way, you can tackle the actual issues logically.

"With that being said, I think my husband has something logical to say."

All eyes turn to Rabbi Cohen, who is stroking his beard thoughtfully.

"All very true," Rabbi Cohen notes. "Now back to the actual question.

"Halachically there is no problem either way. We discussed the issue with Rabbonim, and there is basically an automatic heter. So any decision you made together is supported by Torah.

"Now you want my opinion?

"My opinion is hashkafa, and it's not binding. But you asked, so I'll tell you my opinion.

"When there is no compelling reason against having children, we let Hashem decide the timing. When there is a doubt from the wife, we take that very seriously, because she's the one who undergoes most of the difficulties.

"In your case, Eli, a doubt from the husband but not from the wife…

"At the risk of sounding feminist, I'd be pushing you to let your wife take the lead in these matters."

Now it's Eli's turn to look down.

Rebbetzin Cohen surveys the perfectly matched couple with gentle amusement, two pink faces not looking up.

"One more thing I'd like to add," she concludes. "As long as you're trying to work together, my opinion is that you're doing great."

to be continued...