My 12 year old cries in school, need advice

amother

↑ Tuberose ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 1:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

Thanks this looks interesting. I ordered the book by lebowitz.

Same here. I have a similar child. I also don't jump to therapy that fast. Sometimes they can do more harm than good. I'd rather first learn how to deal with it on my own and if that doesn't help I'm open to more intervention. People sometimes forget that a parent knows their child best and a mother can be better than hours of therapy. That's not to say that there is no time and place for professional therapy as well. It just doesn't have to be the first minute you notice an issue.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 1:14 pm

amother Tuberose wrote:

100%! thanks for that:)
Everyone is so quick to recommend therapy and even medication for an issue that needs to be dealt with but is not impeding his everyday functioning to an extent where he needs major intervention. I’m reasonably intelligent, well educated and have used resources in the past to help my own child.

amother

Caramel

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 2:55 pm

You didn't mention frequency, but I was sort of like this as a kid, and can still have this now.
If I get upset about something, even with my kids present (like a visit to the dentist when my kids weren't treated well) I can lose it and start crying.
Its horrible when it happens, I wish I could regulate these emotions better.
Overall I am a very happy and mostly successful person...
Before therapy days when you can "fix" all your kinks, people just accepted themselves, the good and the bad.
You can always remind him that he can focus on his breath

amother

↑ Tuberose

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 4:40 pm

amother OP wrote:

Same same. Excited to read the book!

amother

Papayawhip ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 5:15 pm

I too was like this as a kid. I did not have anxiety, I was just a shyer, quieter kid. If I got strongly emotional about something, the tears would come on their own. I never did learn how to avoid it.

As a young newly wed, my husband learned quickly that any big disagreement with us was going to be a slow conversation as I worked to get the tears under control until I could speak again. I also made it very clear to him from the beginning that he should treat it like someone who gets red in the face anytime they're embarrassed- my tears didn't indicated anything about our conversation or my feelings toward him, they were only a biological response to the level of emotion I was feeling. He still felt guilty at first but got used to it and saw I meant it when I told him to ignore it.

At this point it doesn't happen nearly as much but at least once or twice a year it still happens... I can usually excuse myself to somewhere more private as soon as I feel myself choking up.

amother

Tanzanite

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

it might be helpful for him to learn how to break down a larger task into smaller steps this way he doesnt feel overwhelmed. Or for him to practice language of "I can do this". You can also tell him that he can always say "I dont know" he doesnt always have to respond if a teacher asks him a question

amother

↑ Cognac

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 10:35 pm

Another Caramel and Another papayawhip, It would seem to me that there has to be some dysregulation in order to break down in tears so quickly. My guess would be that there is some emotion that never gets a chance to express and so the tears come, for example anger. Or that there is an overload of emotions or that when you cry you don't feel into your body and your environment and integrate the release. To me it seems something is not quite right.

I once heard a therapist say that she knows she needs to get herself back to therapy when she keeps breathing down at the smallest of things.

Good luck!

amother

↑ Papayawhip

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 11:03 pm

amother Cognac wrote:

I don't know what exactly was happening as a child but as a newlywed we did nothing BUT communicate all the time, the tears just came as we communicated and I had to just work around it.

To me it felt like being asked to not have my heart beat faster when I was scared, or to not get flushed when I was angry, or to not tear up at something very sad. It felt like something my body did as a reaction to my circumstances, not something I could stop my body from doing.

Then again, I don't know why it doesn't really hit that much anymore these days. I hoped I had just outgrown it...

salt

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 1:05 am

amother OP wrote:

My 12 year old son at times will cry at school when he’s feeling pressured (not enough time to complete work etc) or when he doesn’t understand something right away. He may also cry when his feelings are hurt. This doesn’t happen every day or even every week, but often enough. He is very embarrassed of this and wants to stop but we have no idea how to help him. He just gets so flooded with his emotions that he can’t stop the tears.

We noticed this didn’t happen at all at day camp, probably bec of low pressure and demands.

He tries to leave the room right away or find a way that no one notices, but that’s not always possible.

I want to add that he does well in school and enjoys learning. Socially, he’s not a natural, but has gained skills over the years and has friends. Not particularly athletic, but participates in recess games.
How can we help him?

Does the teacher get angry if he doesn't finish the work? Is he nervous that the teacher is going to ask him a question?
Drum it in to him that it doesn't matter if he doesn't finish or doesn't understand. You will go over it with him at home, or offer him a tutor who will go over everything with him when he gets home, at his own pace.

Reassure him that he should just breath deeply and drop it - if he is sufficiently reassured that you'll make sure he makes up all that he didn't catch in class, at home, he will be more relaxed.

Leaving the classroom is just going to make him miss more material. He should just sit and listen, and not worry that not everything is going in.

With my kids, explaining the situation logically and finding solutions helps.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 1:13 am

amother OP wrote:

It sounds to me like he may have some deficits in sensory processing and/or auditory processing. I think he is getting overloaded sensory wise and has difficulty processing it. My child is very similar.
Crying is his instinctual reaction to a world that is too busy and loud for him. I would suggest starting with an OT evaluation, with someone who specializes in sensory/ reflex integration. Do research before you start, because some of them are quacks (also talking from experience).
My best advice for the evaluation, is not to tell the evaluator your concerns until the end. Or just give a brief overview. See if they can really pick up on some problem during the evaluation, and whether they are able to actually assess your child in a professional and non-quackery way. Otherwise (and I've had this multiple times), when you get a copy of the evaluation (that you paid $400 for), you will just a list of your concerns parroted, and no real assessment skills on their part.
After the evaluation, you can decide whether it's worth pursuing this kind of therapy to help him.

amother

Watermelon

Thu, Sep 05 2024, 1:19 am

amother Caramel wrote:

This is me too!
And I'm a very successful at my job and I'm a mother to a bunch of successful children BH. noone is perfect and therapy is not the quick answer to everything. we are all human and have emotions.
I try to reframe when it happens and it works most of the time.