My 12 year old cries in school, need advice

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 5:43 am

My 12 year old son at times will cry at school when he’s feeling pressured (not enough time to complete work etc) or when he doesn’t understand something right away. He may also cry when his feelings are hurt. This doesn’t happen every day or even every week, but often enough. He is very embarrassed of this and wants to stop but we have no idea how to help him. He just gets so flooded with his emotions that he can’t stop the tears.

We noticed this didn’t happen at all at day camp, probably bec of low pressure and demands.

He tries to leave the room right away or find a way that no one notices, but that’s not always possible.

I want to add that he does well in school and enjoys learning. Socially, he’s not a natural, but has gained skills over the years and has friends. Not particularly athletic, but participates in recess games.
How can we help him?

amother

Cognac ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 5:48 am

I have a weird thought that in camp he lets off more steam because there's lots of physical activity and in school all the emotions sit and then explode.
You said he cries. Does he ever get angry? I would try to help him get in touch with his anger too, not just his sadness. Also get him to the gym, a sport, something to move the energy out.

Teach him to ground himself by noticing his feet in the ground, his butt on the chair. Teach him to notice the environment around him. This all will help with the flooding, to keep it contained and help him ground.

Molly Weasley

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:22 am

This sounds like an emotional control issue, not anger - although the anger may also trigger emotional control issues.

There are many strategies, but at least you'll know what to look for.

Check out these examples

https://health-services.d.umn......ntrol

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 6:33 am

Does he have an exit pass so he can just walk out the room without waiting for permission?
Can you teach him to "go to his happy place" when he feels emotions rising (he needs to practice this a few times)
I also think exercising/sports/letting off steam, particularly for boys helps regulate the emotions and hormones ..

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 7:29 am

Thanks for the responses. We have tried giving him some strategies but it’s hard to help him when we’re not there to coach.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:32 am

I don’t believe he needs therapy. Yes he has some anxiety, which makes sense because both his parents have it. I’m looking for strategies as a parent to help him deal with it.

amother

↑ Blonde

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:36 am

amother OP wrote:

I don’t believe he needs therapy. Yes he has some anxiety, which makes sense because both his parents have it. I’m looking for strategies as a parent to help him deal with it.

It’s really unfair to leave a kid with anxiety without therapy. Crying in school is very embarrassing at this age. His anxiety must be treated.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:44 am

Shlepping a kid to therapy carries its risks. I’m all for therapy with adults when wanted and needed but not with young children. Therapy is not the answer to every problem.

I’m looking to hear if anyone had a similar experience and can share anything that helped. Thanks!

amother

↑ Cognac ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:46 am

amother OP wrote:

Then you yourself go to therapy to learn to help him. That's very powerful, often more powerful than therapy for the child.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:48 am

I already am in therapy. My therapist hasn’t been able to direct me. Again, I’m looking to hear if others have experienced this and if anything has worked for them.

amother

Hibiscus

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:50 am

amother OP wrote:

You don’t have to answer but I’m just curious to hear your perspective on what the risks are for therapy and why it shouldn’t be for young children.

amother

Tuberose ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 8:55 am

amother Peony wrote:

Try learning the SPACE method with a therapist.

Are there books or YouTube videos on this? I'd want to learn it too but I don't go to therapy.

teachkids

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 9:01 am

Someone needs to teach him the skills, generally it’s a therapist. 12 is not so young, and generally they don’t learn skills from their parents well at that age

amother

↑ Peony

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 9:04 am

amother Tuberose wrote:

Are there books or YouTube videos on this? I'd want to learn it too but I don't go to therapy.

Google it

You can go to a therapist just for this

In Lakewood I saw groups advertised where the therapist was specifically running parenting groups for this method

amother

↑ Cognac ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 9:09 am

amother Tuberose wrote:

Are there books or YouTube videos on this? I'd want to learn it too but I don't go to therapy.

Yes, the book Breaking Free from Childhood Anxiety by Lebowitz

amother

↑ Cognac ↓

Wed, Sep 04 2024, 9:10 am

amother OP wrote:

I already am in therapy. My therapist hasn’t been able to direct me. Again, I’m looking to hear if others have experienced this and if anything has worked for them.

There are therapists that specialize in guiding parents.