DD13 sneaks out wearing short skirts

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

OP ↓

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 8:31 am

Please help me figure out how to deal with this.

My DD13 has taken to sneaking out of the house and changing into immodest clothes once she is out of our sight. Her school is very lax about enforcing their own rules, and she has been wearing these skirts to school. She leaves the house in a normal knee-length regulation-length skirt, and presumably pops on a short skirt underneath, and then strips off the longer skirt and stuffs it into her bookbag, and then reverses the process before arriving home.

We discovered this from a few incidents: Her school sometimes snaps photos of the students during class activities and they include the photos in weekly newsletter, and I saw her in one of the photographs wearing a short tight black skirt. Also, one time I came home early because our internet at work was down, and I happened to pass her bus stop on the way home just as her bus was pulling up and I saw her get out in a thigh-grazing denim skirt. When she walked through the front door moments later, she was wearing the knee-length skirt I bought her. I've also found her skirts in our mailbox.

The school has rules about skirt length, but they don't seem to enforce these rules. There are not many other school options.

I want her to start out the school year on the right foot.
Moreover, I am concerned that I cannot trust her.

Advice would be appreciated.

Chayalle ↓

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 8:53 am

Sounds like peer pressure going on. The school doesn't enforce tznius rules, so the girls are wearing short skirts, and she wants to fit in. It's very hard to be a teen and be different.

Have you talked to someone at the school about why they aren't enforcing their own rules?

I'm also curious how she gets these clothes, though teens can be very resourceful so it's not hugely surprising.

fmt4

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 8:57 am

If you’re sending her to a school that allows these skirts, and all her friends wear them, it’s too much to ask for her not to. It’s unfair of you to expect it.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 9:08 am

fmt4 wrote:

If you’re sending her to a school that allows these skirts, and all her friends wear them, it’s too much to ask for her not to. It’s unfair of you to expect it.

Well they're not supposed to allow it...

I know several other mothers who are annoyed by the school's disregard for its own rules. As I said, there are no other good options where I live.

amother

Cornsilk

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 9:11 am

Personally if her school allows it and her friens dress that way, I would tell her you know and you aren't going to say anything but want to be able to trust her so you want the sneaking around to stop. That's more concerning than the clothing.

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 9:22 am

But these skirts are really, really short. Not like, we prefer 4" below the knee and these are just hitting the knee. These are closer to the crotch than the knee. I really don't want her dressing this way. I don't like the mixed messages the school is sending. I feel like by sending her there, I am also sending mixed messages, although when we selected the school that was not the intention.

amother

Cantaloupe

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 9:22 am

Speaking as a high school teacher and as a mother of girls who chose their own derech of dress, I have had a lot of experience with this issue.
You have two options:
you can get angry, yell, accuse, or punish her, which will - guaranteed- exacerbate the situation and lead to further sneaky and rebellious behavior
OR
you can calmly ask your daughter why she is doing this, and use it as an opportunity to open a lasting dialogue about trust, honesty, integrity, and peer pressure.
I recommend the second option. She is just starting her teenage years. There will be many more issues that come up, and she will need you to be a mother that she can come to with her problems and trust to keep her calm and grounded while enforcing rules, rather than a mother that she feels she must hide things from.
I wish you so much luck! Raising teenage girls can be very challenging.

behappy2

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 9:24 am

Speak to the school and have the other mothers call too. Schools take parent pressure seriously. Generally.

amother

Viola

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 9:31 am

Most schools have uniforms. Why not get a group of parents together to advocate for that?

↑ Chayalle

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 9:33 am

I wonder if you can find a middle ground with some dialogue, and buy her some more cool skirts that might be not as bad as what she's been wearing.

amother

Gladiolus

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 9:37 am

I don't have teenagers so no advice for you but I remember how when I was a teenager I didn't have the "cool" or expensive clothing so instead I wore cheap ones but pushed the limits on tznius with them. Had I had the cool or expensive clothing I wouldn'tve felt the need to.
You can try asking her if that's something she'd be open too.
Hatzlacha! You got this mom!

amother

SandyBrown

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 9:41 am

Speak to your daughter. Make sure you stay calm, do not get upset. Tell her that you know she switches to short skirts out of the house(dont give her a chance to deny it) and ask her why? Is it peer pressure? Does she see a point in dressing tzniusdik?

A good idea is to take her out of the house to shmooze so you're not interrupted. Also if you're in a public but not too loud setting conversation actually takes place without screaming and without storming out!
Even better take her out on a weekly basis! You really have to build your relationship so she does not feel the need to sneak out and behave differently!

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 9:42 am

amother Viola wrote:

Most schools have uniforms. Why not get a group of parents together to advocate for that?

No, most bais yackov type schools have uniforms. Not most yeshiva day schools in general.
Many have dress codes. Some are strict about it and others are not at all.

amother

DarkViolet

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 10:55 am

Perhaps move to a place that has an appropriate school for your daughter.

amother

Milk

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 11:08 am

Honestly ridiculous that the school allows such short skirts. I don’t know why you don’t talk to them about it.

amother

Glitter

Fri, Aug 30 2024, 11:16 am

1. The sneaking around needs to stop
Let her know that you want to trust her
Soon she’ll want many more privileges and you want to say yes but you’ll need to trust her
And she can’t be afraid to come to you with anything and everything
And you want to build a relationship with her, that she can come to you with anything.

2. You need to compromise on her dress code
3. If she insist on such short skirts she must wear shorts under
4. And you need to start talking to her about girl/boy stuff and the message she’s sending the boys.

Are other girls wearing skirts as short as she does?
Perhaps the mothers can ban together and ask experts in chinuch of teens what can be done to ENCOURAGE these girls to have more self respect and self confidence

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