Laundry Service for Married Daughter & Her Large Family

amother

↑ Phlox ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:23 pm

Zisseleh wrote:

You are quite right. I am working on the codependency vigorously. I was doing a great deal of codependency work and recovery but stopped, not sure how I let myself slip back. I wanted to do something really grand and wonderful for family, but you are correct, it is only enabling and fostering dependence on me and delaying her ability to solve the problem together with DH. Thank you for your honest feedback. I will not do anything like this again. Nor will I pay for any more domestic help. They can afford to pay for it themselves.

Am I the only one who thinks this post is generated by AI? Unless it's just cuz OP is older so her writing is more proper...

↑ Zisseleh ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:52 pm

imaima wrote:

The order that you brought in her home was not HER order. Justs because you cleaned something up to your liking , it doesn’t mean that the 7 people who live in this house know and want to maintain it. They should be finding places for their things that work for them, not for you. And yes, if a family comes from a vacation and needs to repack for another trip in two days, maintaining the prder that was imposed on them is their last priority. That’s just how it works logically.

Another thing that jumped at me was that you want to make a difference in her HAPPINESS levels. Like how can you control it? Her life has many facets, two of them are multiple kids and a difficult husband. I am sure that if even if you come to clean up every day, her happiness will still depend on something else. Your work has temporarily improved their quality of life but not happiness.

I hope that you will be dan lkaf zechus and realize that I love my children and their families more than anything and I have enough sensitivity and emotional intelligence and boundary respect to not just show up with cleaning supplies and try to whip everything up to my liking. I am attempting to alleviate some stress in her life and one of my "love languages" if you will, is acts of service. I am also acutely aware of the codependency/rescuing piece in this situation. I'm working on myself constantly, and I did check in with the family to make sure nothing I did while they were away, felt invasive or off-putting. They were really appreciative and said it didn't feel that way. Still, I am stepping back and will only help out if needed. Too much proactivity can definitely feel overbearing. Anyway, I really am thankful for everyone's comments and perspectives.

↑ imaima

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:58 pm

Zisseleh wrote:

Of course they will never say it.
You raised them well:)

I am commenting on your words that the order didn’t last. It sounds passive aggressive judgmental. It sounds like you did a mitzvah with strings attached: I will clean your house but now you owe me to keep it the same way.

I am just telling you from experience. Whenever an outsider tried to set up my home, it never lasted.

↑ Zisseleh ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 12:59 pm

imaima wrote:

I don’t think millennials are immature or entitled. If anything they are hyperindependent (okay I am biased).

Stereotypes about millennials as a „younger generation“ were perpetuated by boomers.
By now millennials are 30-40 and a driving force of the society, it’s time for boomers to get off the high horse and appreciate millennials for what they are.

Your comment is a sweeping generalization, if I may say so. "Millennial" is simply the term used to describe a person born between 1981 and 1996, though different sources can vary by a year or two. It was first used in the book Generations (1991) by William Strauss and Neil Howe, who felt it was an appropriate name for the first generation to reach adulthood in the new millennium. IT's not in any way derogatory although I have seen some really mean definitions. I do want to point out, though, that I AM a parent of kids born in that time frame and some of the traits used to describe them as adults really are true. I would admit to being a bit of a "helicopter parent", hyper alert to dangers and very protective, and I now know that impact of helicopter parenting often becomes more apparent when children become teens and young adults. Research shows that, over time, helicoptering parenting may contribute to heightened sense of entitlement. So I'm not just blowing off steam or throwing shade on my adult kids. Anyway, thank you for your comment.

↑ Zisseleh ↓

Tue, Aug 27 2024, 1:01 pm

imaima wrote:

Thank you so much, I appreciate your contribution and your perspectives!! Flower