Laundry Service for Married Daughter & Her Large Family

familyfirst

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 5:46 pm

Please stop
Being their savior. They need to figure this out.

If you’re willing to pay another $450 for two months, then out that money into another washing machine and dryer.

That should help them long term.

Her tight fisted critical husband needs to ease up. You can’t fix him. Being there for your daughter all the time just makes her more self reliant. This is her life. In time, the kids will grow up and it will get easier

↑ Zisseleh ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 5:49 pm

Cheiny wrote:

I understand, but that’s for them to work on and work out together…. You can’t keep stepping in to help her deal with everything, including handling her dh.

And yes, it is your time now, and you more than earned it. You have already offered them a lot of help and you’ve been more than generous.

100% spot on. I have to step back and STOP rescuing. It's unhealthy as one of you pointed out, I DO know that. At first I did not think of it as "rescuing" per se, but as clarity has set in, I have watched and observed that this really didn't help her in the end. She is highly capable but really wants someone else to do the heavy lifting.

amother

↑ Magnolia

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 5:55 pm

Zisseleh wrote:

All good suggestions. I may have mis-spoke -- it's a lady who comes in twice weekly SPECIFICALLY to do laundry and nothing else. DD already has one cleaning lady who ALSO does some laundry. The person who manages the "laundry ladies" asks for $20 per hour for about 6-8 hours a week for the one lady to come in.

I see I misunderstood. You did mention it's someone that comes in.
What I meant though was to get a regular cleaning lady and teach her herself to do the basic laundry, that should be less then a lady that comes from such a service business .

amother

↑ Seafoam ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 6:16 pm

Zisseleh wrote:

The part that I bolded - this is where she can focus her own growth. Perhaps she also has codependent tendencies, or maybe it's something else. But this is not a healthy dynamic, and you're inadvertantly enabling it.

amother

Peru

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 6:30 pm

I pay $18 per hour for cleaning. They don't do all my laundry but help me keep on top of it.

Although I don't have kids home anymore, so it's very different. But when mine were small the help definitely did a lot of laundry. AND I taught my kids to do their own as soon as they could reach the controls!

I think your DD will have to negotiate with your SIL about this, & she might want to suggest going to a Rov to discuss that she needs more help (though I'm not sure you should be the one to suggest it!)

Maybe your $ would be better put toward a few counseling sessions for her to help her learn to assert herself! Again not sure if you etc....

amother

Oldlace

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:06 pm

I just want to chime in and say what a helpful mother you are. You mention that you feel guilty - what ?! You do so much. Reading what you do is making ME feel guilty now lol! my daughter has kh a large family of small children , no cleaning help, works many hours , and I don’t send her a laundry lady. (Also she lives in Isreal and I don’t ) Please do not feel guilty. May you always be zoche to give , with a happy heart.

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:07 pm

Op agree with other posters before. I would not give her any more help that requires you to shell out more money. I find a lesson everyone is learning in this bad economy is how to do more on their own. It sounds like they have the means to hire all the help they need. You sound like an mother and grandmother. The summer month are the hardest with laundry. You gave her that brake. Hopefully now she could do it on her own..How about teaching 11 year grandchild skills. Having two toddlers is not easy teach the kids could help out with the toddler's. 7 and older should be able to
Sort laundry
Transfer laundry from washer to dryer
Hang up wet clothing
Fold laundry
Sort laundry back into draw. Maybe not as neat as a professional service but hopefully your grandchildren will learn, get better at it and more capable then their parents.

If your dqughter has cleaning help she could hire one that could help with the ironing bed linens and towels

Your dd would have to pretreat the family clothing. She would have to be on top of her children and cleaning help to make sure everything gets done. Or maybe her hours are so long that she needs more cleaning help. Or gently teach her what to do to get her house running smoother.

↑ Zisseleh ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:14 pm

amother Peru wrote:

You are very insightful and intuitive.

Last edited by Zisseleh on Mon, Aug 26 2024, 10:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Diamond ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:20 pm

Zisseleh wrote:

You are very insightful and intuitive.

Um what? You won't get any praise from me. You need some sense smacked into you. You're not the cleaning lady. Don't get validation from cleaning up her mess (literally and figuratively). At best you're enabling her own lack of systems, at worst you're running yourself into a shmatte and are deeply codependent.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:21 pm

OP, you should read this and realize
YOU ARE INCREDIBLY AMAZING
I don’t know a single mother who does this.
She is so lucky with all the help you give her, and I get your point of her not really appreciating it, but only once you stop will she realize how good she had it, and she’ll realize how much you’ve done

amother

Bottlebrush

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:26 pm

How many hours does she have a lady twice a week? I think it's very unhealthy what you're doing but I also am not sure why they are so much longer to be done if she has helped twice a week. I also have five children, I have clean help twice a week. She gets through 95% of my laundry when she comes. I do wash in between but I don't want to fold or put away. She does all that. I'm just not understanding why there is so much laundry to be done if this lady is doing some of it.

Also, seems like she can afford some more help but doesn't want to pay for it. Or her husband doesn't want to. But that's their problem. Not yours.

In addition, I know you're trying to help your daughter, but is her husband resentful that you keep on coming in to their lives? My husband would be very upset if my mother just came into my house whenever she wanted, cleaned my house etc. it's completely out of bounds unless you have his permission.

I would be mortified if my mother came into my house while I was away and cleaned up. It's wrong.

↑ Zisseleh ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:28 pm

amother Diamond wrote:

You are quite right. I am working on the codependency vigorously. I was doing a great deal of codependency work and recovery but stopped, not sure how I let myself slip back. I wanted to do something really grand and wonderful for family, but you are correct, it is only enabling and fostering dependence on me and delaying her ability to solve the problem together with DH. Thank you for your honest feedback. I will not do anything like this again. Nor will I pay for any more domestic help. They can afford to pay for it themselves.

↑ Zisseleh ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:34 pm

amother Bottlebrush wrote:

Last edited by Zisseleh on Mon, Aug 26 2024, 10:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

↑ Zisseleh ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:37 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

AMEIN!!! KEIN YEHIRATZON Heart

amother

Marigold ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:46 pm

You're very sweet but I don't think you should do this much for them. Also if I was her sibling I'd be super resentful. My sister is quite dependent on my mum because she or her kids are always ill and they can't cope and it really drives me crazy that they can't sort themselves out. My husband and I are super independent and when my mum comes to my house I want her to feel like my guest not my cook or cleaner.

With laundry I think of it that it's only max. half an hour a day of my time. I can easily spend half an hour on my phone etc. It's really not that long and it's boring but just something that needs to be done.

↑ Zisseleh ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:49 pm

lauful wrote:

Completely off topic, but can I ask where you found someone to just do laundry? I'd love to hire such a service.

My DD has a friend who hired a lady to do ONLY laundry (she has 8 kids KAH). I reached out to DD's friend to tell her I wanted to find a laundry lady like she has, and she gave me the name and number of a woman who has a whole staff of different types of domestic help, incl. solely laundry. Where do you live, if I may ask? If you are nearby to me, I could give you her name and number. Not sure what the protocol is on imamother. Is there a PM option? Let me know. Thanks for your response.

↑ lauful

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 7:52 pm

Zisseleh wrote:

Sure. You can PM me. I’m in Lakewood.