Sleepovers and brothers

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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amother

Sun, Jun 23 2024, 12:17 am

I'm not a fan of sleepovers for many reasons and put it off as long as I could. Now my oldest kids are tweens/early teens and the peer pressure got to be enough that I decided to loosen the leash. I think they're not that young anymore and can handle themselves. It's always local and I always tell them that at any time of day or night for any or no reason at all I will drop everything and come get them if they say they want to come home. They've also had a general (as in not specific to sleepovers) education on appropriate interactions, personal safety, etc.

A different parent is telling me that it's absolutely crazy to let girls have a sleepover in a home with boys. I'm trying to figure out if one of us is crazy and which one it is. I have both sons and daughters, and over the years I've heard more stories of brother/sister or other relative abuse rather than a friend who came over once and happens to be under the same roof as boys but is staying in a separate bedroom with other girls sharing the room.

The same person also says it's crazy of me to let my girls invite their friends to sleep in our house because I have boys. I say I do my best to make my house a safe place, and it's up to the other parents whether or not they want to send their kids. I'm not forcing anyone to be here, how is it irresponsible to extend the invitation and then let the other person decide what they're comfortable with? If we invite someone and they say no, that's the end of it, I don't question anyone else's choice.

This is starting to drive me crazy with self doubt because on one hand I want my kids to be normal and have normal fun experiences and it seems like this is what all their friends are doing, but on the other hand I don't want to compromise on safety and values due to peer pressure. Am I being naive?

amother

Blueberry

Sun, Jun 23 2024, 2:54 am

When I was 19 I slept over a few times at my best friend's house and ended up marrying one of her brothers! (No inappropriate touch before marriage). So I'm pro sleepovers 😄

amother

Firebrick ↓

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 4:04 pm

We do sleepovers. But there’s absolutely NO interactions with the opposite gender. AT ALL.

Cookin4days

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 4:12 pm

Was never allowed sleeperovers and will personally not allow them as well. Maybe if it’s party or big group of girls? Not sure my kids are still very young

amother

Snapdragon

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 4:43 pm

I host my daughters sleepovers, because I have 1 girl, she sleeps in the attic and the boys know that when she has a sleepover, they are not allowed up there. The girls have their own space, which the boys are not allowed into, and I'm on top of making sure it stays that way. I think it's a shame to deny kids all sleepovers because of a slight possibility, but it doesnt mean that anything and everything goes. As a parent, I need to feel confident that steps are taken to minimise risk, and I would only allow it in a situation that I feel comfortable. I also tell my kids that they can call me any time and I will come and get them.

dena613

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 4:48 pm

I slept over at friends a lot as a girl. Never with their brothers 13+ home.

Sewsew_mom

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 4:52 pm

Three is enough for me. If u know the family. And my daughter brings a cell phone (kosher phone no texting) , if she feels it's inappropriate or unsafe she can give me a call.
I also prepare her to know if something seems off.
The girls really have good memories from these once in While sleepovers.

With that said. I let very infrequently. (now it's vacation so I'm more inclined to say yes)

amother

Slategray

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 4:57 pm

No sleepovers with members of opposite gender in the home
Heard stories and one is one too many
And I need to sleep at night

amother

NeonPurple

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 5:01 pm

If you do end up allowing sleepovers, make up in advance a parve sentence to be your 911 sentence . for example can we pick up donuts tomorrow morning means come get me now. This way she can feel comfortable telling you to come without her friends knowing.

Molly Weasley ↓

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 7:29 pm

No sleepovers while the boys (11+) are home. Zero.

amother

Olive

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 7:36 pm

The brothers are a problem but the fathers are fine?
Either way no sleepovers for my kids at any age. There’s no need for them and it’s not safe.
They’re welcome to have a pajama party but I pick them up at midnight and they sleep at home.

↑ Molly Weasley

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 8:42 pm

amother Olive wrote:

I think that's an over reaction. Boys will be boys, but worrying that every frum man is potential molester is a bridge too far.

amother

Bisque

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 9:36 pm

Molly Weasley wrote:

I think that's an over reaction. Boys will be boys, but worrying that every frum man is potential molester is a bridge too far.

What does boys will be boys mean in this context?

thegiver

Sun, Aug 25 2024, 9:48 pm

That they bother the girls?

amother

Wine

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 12:19 am

I have the same internal conflict as you, op.

One one hand, there might be an unsafe situation and I don’t want to put my precious daughter through that, on the other hand I want her to feel normal and have a fun sleepover just like all her friends.

My daughter is 6, so it’s a no and will be for the next 5-6 years.

But when she gets older I’m sure I will allow it at some point. Not often but in the rare occasion like summertime or whatever.
I think we can’t live in fear, and we have to trust Hashem.

Send her out with a tefillah, and hopes for a good time.

amother

↑ Firebrick ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 5:26 am

Just curious, why does it help to pick up your girls at midnight?
A pajama party with brothers of the friends IS okay?
The problem is only from 12am?
If there are brothers hanging around I wouldn’t send till midnight either.
I wouldn’t need to know that the brothers are completely not there.

I had sleepovers by a friend when I was a kid (chassidish). If we were in the kitchen and her brothers or even the father wanted to get a drink we had to vacate the kitchen and only then they can come in…. There were no interactions AT ALL.
We were mostly in her room anyways where her brothers never stepped foot, not before midnight and not after midnight.

sushilover

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 5:36 am

You will always find people more extreme than you who will make you feel that your choices are unsafe.

Always.

amother

Tan ↓

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 5:48 am

I had probably 7 or 8 sleepover parties as a kid. My older brother (one year older) ignored us. Sometimes he slept at our grandparents house but definitely not always. My little brother (6 years younger so was a small child when this was happening) wanted to join the party, but not because we were girls, but because pizza, fun crafts, etc. But so did my younger sister. We need to be vigilant of course but some of the posts here seem pretty extreme.

amother

↑ Tan

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 6:02 am

amother NeonPurple wrote:

This is really a good idea in general. Yasher koach!

amother

↑ Firebrick

Mon, Aug 26 2024, 6:05 am

I don’t send kids to play at houses where the brothers are bored and keep coming to join the party.
No.
Only if they’re completely out of the picture.
I don’t care if they pop in to the house to do their thing in another room, but they can’t be shmoozing with my daughters. This isn’t just for sleepovers.
One of my neighbor’s brothers (around 12 years old) was bored on Shabbos and kept trying to join the fun, I stopped sending there, yes even though we’re neighbors.
I told my daughter that friend can come to our house.

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