My child - 6 yrs doesn’t listen to a word I say.

amother

OP ↓

Fri, Aug 23 2024, 7:40 am

My daughter was always full on , has anxiety and says it like it is. Lately she argues with everything I say and doesn’t listen at all. I’m loosing myself.
She is so strong minded and smart too that it always ends up that she gets her way. She tends to scream and raise her voice a lot too.
- she always tells me I’m the meanest mother when she gets plenty ,Without being too forceful or harsh how can I discipline her.

amother

Chicory

Fri, Aug 23 2024, 7:51 am

You can try putting small "rewards" into the routine. For example, that after getting dressed comes a few minutes of play time. In this example, if she doesn't listen in the morning and delays getting dressed, missing out would be a natural consequence. But you're not actually taking anything away.

amother

↑ OP

Fri, Aug 23 2024, 8:15 am

That is such a good technique. The problem is she doesn’t care for rewards. She rather miss out then not get her way. I don’t know bow to handle this Type of conversation. I’m a firm yet soft spoken, loving and caring mom. I didn’t have they with my other kids.

amother

Aster

Fri, Aug 23 2024, 10:36 am

My 7 year old has a very stubborn streak. We don't bend. I told her if I give in to her tantrums, I'm teaching her all she needs to do is scream and cry to get her way and then she'll be a spoiled brat. We try to make things fun. Like-- saying "I'll race you upstairs for bed". She knows we're letting her win, but she loves it. Or I'll close my eyes and count to 10 and she has to do x in that time. I can't say it always works, but it's made a huge difference in our getting her to cooperate. Sometimes it doesn't work and I say "I'm not sitting around to watch you not listen and leaving the room. When you're ready you need to do X" and walk out. She hates when I walk out on her and 9 out of 10 times will comply in the end.

amother

Violet ↓

Fri, Aug 23 2024, 10:45 am

If she has anxiety, the rigidity is likely ocd. She has a script in her head and veering from it causes her a lot of distress. Some of these kids also have a compulsion to do the opposite, or because of their dysregulated nervous systems they fight-flight- freeze when being told what to do and I(look up pathological demand avoidance).

amother

Brown ↓

Fri, Aug 23 2024, 10:46 am

I try to avoid direct commands where possible and make it into her choice. Like offering her between 2 choices, and obviously both are things I am okay with. Do you want to brush your teeth standing at the sink, or standing on the toilet lid (something she thinks is funny and will usually prefer it).
I also try and make things positive, like instead of if you don't eat your sandwich you can't have that cookie, it's when you've eaten your sandwich, then you get the cookie.
And something I've recently discovered is counting works amazing. Let's see how fast you can do x and she runs immediately while I count. Or can you get in pjs before I get to 45.
I have my things I'm not willing to give in on and she can tantrum all she likes but I won't give in. And it isn't easy for her.

amother

↑ Brown

Fri, Aug 23 2024, 10:48 am

amother Violet wrote:

If she has anxiety, the rigidity is likely ocd. She has a script in her head and veering from it causes her a lot of distress. Some of these kids also have a compulsion to do the opposite, or because of their dysregulated nervous systems they freeze when being told what to do (look up pathological demand avoidance).

Can you explain more about this? I think dd does have an element of anxiety and would be interested in understanding more. I always thought it was her extremely stubborn nature, and her complete lack of patience that this was stemming from.

amother

↑ Violet

Fri, Aug 23 2024, 10:54 am

amother Brown wrote:

Anxiety and ocd in kids can show up as very stubborn/rigid. I like to call it "stuck". With classic ocd, a person may have an obsession with germs which understandably causes them a lot of distress and the compulsion to keep washing their hands is an attempt to get rid of that distress. For kids, any thought or desire they have can get stuck as an obsessive or intrusive thought, and then they have to have that thing or do whatever they wanted as an attempt to rid themselves of the distress caused by the repeated obsessive thoughts. This is how I understand stubbornness and rigidity in kids with things they want or want to do.

In terms of not being able to obey or comply, not being cooperative, being oppositional or defiant in the context of anxiety/ocd, I think of it as "tripping a wire". The minute you issue a command, it trips a wire in their brain, they go into fight mode and have to fight back or do the opposite, or they freeze from overwhelm and simply can't do it so they melt down and spiral from the weight of "I have to but I can't".

#BestBubby ↓

Fri, Aug 23 2024, 11:10 am

amother OP wrote:

Lately she argues with everything ....... it always ends up that she gets her way..

this is why she argues and screams,

Because you always cave and give in

Until you resolve that you won't give in no matter how much she screams it will only get worse.

↑ #BestBubby

Fri, Aug 23 2024, 11:17 am

You don't " argue" with kids who try to wear you down with arguments.

You just say " because mommy said so"

Ignore meanest mommy comments.

Be proactive and figure out in ADVANCE
What consequence will be. and follow through on the punishment.