How am I meant to pay for it?

amother

Blushpink

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 12:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

It doesn't make sense for him to do childcare because he has higher earning potential than me. I just need him to reach his potential.
Also when I work out of the house im more exhausted and he ends up working less.
I really would like to work from home, Ive been trying to make it work but nothing is working out.
Now we're paying for things with savings, the 1k a month he makes and money im owed

1k a month for 40 hours a month is $25/hour, you can earn the same or more at most entry level jobs.

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 12:29 pm

Thank you everyone who responded!
Even the ones who responded sharply helped shake me up.
I hope to sit down with him and come up with a realistic plan.
There are times he works 20 hrs a week but then it stops. I have been asking him to go to therapy he doesn't want.
Yes ik he has major issues but im stuck. I am willing to work but I need to find a job and nobody responded to me to even try to make it work.

amother

Teal

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 12:36 pm

Out of curiosity, OP, what would your mindset be if you were a single mom? If you lived alone with your children, what would you do? How would you handle childcare, busing, etc, if you were the sole income earner and sole caretaker? Because unless your husband is willing to step up it sounds like that's basically the situation you have. You'll have to get a full time job, earn as much as you can, and make other arrangements for your kids. Orrrr your husband can face reality and start doing what needs to be done.

amother

Sand

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 12:44 pm

What helped us was when I let my husband properly see the cost of stuff. ex groceries (no good me bringing him bags and saying how much it cost, let him come with u or go himself), when I stopped filling the car with gas and he had to (again , no money for it) when I stopped negotiating with tuition committee and let him do it etc..
that's when he woke up....not sure it will help for you but...keep it in mind.

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 12:46 pm

Was this the way things were when you first got married, or have things changed? Do you have family who could help out with the simcha? It’s very hard to motivate someone if they don’t feel the responsibility to support their family on their own.

amother

Amaryllis

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 12:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sorry I forgot to add it also doesn't make sense for me to work out of the house because I will then have to pay for more childcare which makes it not worth it.

I have tried getting my husband to work more hours, find another job but it hasn't helped

Then he needs to get it together. He's becoming a drain. I'm sorry but this is your easiest solution

imaima ↓

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 2:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

You have an urgent problem and a long term problem.
Short term: borrow the money to pay for rent etc.
Long term: find a way to not end up in this situation again. Someone who has an earning potential but doesn’t work, is worth nothing. He should do the kids then.

Why is he playing games and you are the one looking for solutions?
I would ask him these questions and let him come up with his own ideas. You shouldn’t be the one who has all the answers.

↑ imaima

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 2:42 pm

amother Sand wrote:

Agree

amother

Seagreen

Wed, Aug 21 2024, 11:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

I am feeling so stuck now!
In two weeks we have to pay the rent and tuition. We have to pay in cash so I cant even put it on the credit card.
We also bh have a simcha that will cost us a lot of money. Im spending the least amount of money on it but itll still cost around 3k.
Right now we probably have 1k in the bank and 2k in savings. I am owed money ill maybe get 1k of it before the first.
The bigger problem is my husband doesn't work as much as he can. He has a hob that is well paying per hour but he only ends up working less than ten hours a week. The rest of the time he's sleeping, watching videos, hobbies, and he does help.
I would love to work but do to my kids school hours I cant work not from home and I cant find a job from home.
My kids shoes are too small/ ripped so I need to buy new ones. But how do I pay for it- even $40 shoes?
Where do I find the cash to pay rent and tuition?
How can I get my husband to work more?

Why do you have to pay these things in cash?

notshanarishona

Thu, Aug 22 2024, 1:39 am

Unfortunately, you can’t force someone to get help. It sounds like your DH is depressed or needs some sort of psychiatric help. It’s not normal for an adult to laze around the house and not take any responsibility. That being said, their are ways to push him. Whether it’s making an ultimatum.. no intimacy if he doesn’t go to a therapist, going to a rav or mentor together (someone who he respects and ask aytzah), taking control of the finances and not letting him get anything for himself unless he puts in effort to make $, etc. use whatever language speaks to him.
What are you getting out of this marriage? Is he doing anything as a partner?
Does he realize he isn’t holding his weight?

amother

Aster

Thu, Aug 22 2024, 2:28 am

Try second hand shoes for them. I bought some for $10 or less. Good quality. Only helpful for small sizes. Once older can’t really use used shoes unless very minimal wear.

amother

Snowdrop

Thu, Aug 22 2024, 6:17 am

Oy this is awful sounding, my heart goes out to you, OP

My friend was in a similar situation recently. Her husband refused to work. Bills were piling up. He never gave a reason, just.... Refused.

She made an ultimatum that he sees a psychiatrist AND his rov to get help. If not, she would cancel his credit cards (they are in her name, his credit it so terrible and his cards are maxed out) and divert her full time income to her personal bank account. Effectively cutting him off financially (no more eating at restaurants with his friends, which cost a lot of money per week!)

It's a few months later, and bh he's held down a job. He needed a lot of help. This wasn't easy for either of them and he's working through his issues, it seems.

They are buried in debt from his years of not working, but are very slowly clawing they're way out of it...