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-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
bigsis144
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 Mon, Aug 12 2024, 9:53 am
| amother Periwinkle wrote: | | Special ed- another way of saying weird, off, etc. It’s awful and I hate it, and I’m trying to get my kids not to say it. |
My teenage son now uses “autistic” as an insult (on top of “retard3d” and “sped”, which have been in use for longer).
It’s horrible and he won’t stop no matter how many times I have explained that (1) it’s hurtful (2) he’s using it inaccurately (3) that HE KNOWS ACTUAL AUTISTIC PEOPLE, and they are complex and diverse and capable and… um, he himself got an autism diagnosis when he was 12 and is a classic example of the actual symptoms 🤦🏻♀️
This is something I feel so much shame about, that I can’t control what comes out of his mouth. My example isn’t working (I have never talked like this in my life, not even as a teenager), my admonishments and reminders and redirections (an empathetic, “wow, you seem really angry. ‘Autistic’ doesn’t help me figure out how to help you - what exactly is your brother doing that’s frustrating you?… He’s ignoring you?… You offered to help him with his Minecraft game and he won’t give you a satisfying answer for why he doesn’t want your help? Hmmm, yeah, he doesn’t have to accept your help if he doesn’t want to. I know it’s frustrating that you have good ideas and he doesn’t want to hear them! Etc etc etc etc ad nauseum) aren’t working… or at least not working fast enough… 😔
When I talk about it with my therapist, she reminds me that just because my kids throw around terms like “you’re so abusive” or “our family is dysfunctional” or “my brother is retard3d”, I shouldn’t take it personally. They have learned that this kind of psychological terminology triggers me, and that’s all they’re trying to do. They can’t diagnose one another, or our family dynamics. It hurts me more because I fully understand the connotations of every word, but they fling them around like babbling toddlers.
Sigh.
Last edited by bigsis144 on Mon, Aug 12 2024, 10:06 am; edited 2 times in total
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chanatron1000
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 9:56 am
| amother Dandelion wrote: | | It is awful. Mine do it too. I'm the last person to make fun of special needs people. I'm going to tell then that every time they say it they need to offer an hour of their time to help the neighbor who has a special needs child. |
While it's not okay that they're saying it, to make them volunteer to help with a special needs child would be using the special needs child as an educational tool. To be helpful, volunteers need to already have respect and compassion for the people they're helping.
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mommyla
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 11:07 am
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I didn't know "actually" was a thing! My 11-year-old says it all the time!
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amother
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 11:21 am
| chanatron1000 wrote: | | While it's not okay that they're saying it, to make them volunteer to help with a special needs child would be using the special needs child as an educational tool. To be helpful, volunteers need to already have respect and compassion for the people they're helping. |
I hear, but it's not like they mean what they're saying. They already do volunteer sometimes. They are generous kindhearted people but they do not think or care to think when they speak.
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amother
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 11:25 am
| bigsis144 wrote: | My teenage son now uses “autistic” as an insult (on top of “retard3d” and “sped”, which have been in use for longer).
It’s horrible and he won’t stop no matter how many times I have explained that (1) it’s hurtful (2) he’s using it inaccurately (3) that HE KNOWS ACTUAL AUTISTIC PEOPLE, and they are complex and diverse and capable and… um, he himself got an autism diagnosis when he was 12 and is a classic example of the actual symptoms 🤦🏻♀️
This is something I feel so much shame about, that I can’t control what comes out of his mouth. My example isn’t working (I have never talked like this in my life, not even as a teenager), my admonishments and reminders and redirections (an empathetic, “wow, you seem really angry. ‘Autistic’ doesn’t help me figure out how to help you - what exactly is your brother doing that’s frustrating you?… He’s ignoring you?… You offered to help him with his Minecraft game and he won’t give you a satisfying answer for why he doesn’t want your help? Hmmm, yeah, he doesn’t have to accept your help if he doesn’t want to. I know it’s frustrating that you have good ideas and he doesn’t want to hear them! Etc etc etc etc ad nauseum) aren’t working… or at least not working fast enough… 😔
When I talk about it with my therapist, she reminds me that just because my kids throw around terms like “you’re so abusive” or “our family is dysfunctional” or “my brother is retard3d”, I shouldn’t take it personally. They have learned that this kind of psychological terminology triggers me, and that’s all they’re trying to do. They can’t diagnose one another, or our family dynamics. It hurts me more because I fully understand the connotations of every word, but they fling them around like babbling toddlers.
Sigh. |
He's far from the only one. It's really hard but try to think of it as meaningless words. We have no control over our kids' actions.
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mha3484
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 11:26 am
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I had a long conversation with my sons menahel about the word retarted, downs etc I cant stand it and neither can he.
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amother
Poinsettia
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 11:28 am
My 3 year old has been talking like this since she was 2:
Ma! Are you kidding me?!
Actually by the start of every sentence
So basically…
she learned from my preteen….
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mha3484
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 11:30 am
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My 5 year old and I watched the fireworks outside our house on July 4th and she saw a pretty impressive looking one and goes thats sick I was dying of laughter because she clearly got that one from my 13 year old. But hearing it out the mouth of her was very very funny.
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amother
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 11:34 am
| mha3484 wrote: | | I had a long conversation with my sons menahel about the word retarted, downs etc I cant stand it and neither can he. |
is he doing anything to address it?
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mha3484
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 11:37 am
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He agreed with me and said he is going to think of how the school can address this. At the end of the day, its not good for the school culture when you use the word [crazy] to your class mate whose brother has down syndrome it can lead to some angry boys and that never ends well.
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amother
Chicory
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 12:20 pm
I’ve been battling ’[crazy]’ - and my kids are very involved in volunteering and respite with kids with special needs. I think they all stopped by 13-14 years old (I’m still waiting for my preteen to come around).
I remember the time 1 of my kids called someone ‘a spaz’. I explained -intensely- that it is making fun of people who are spastic, like their very beloved brother with severe spastic quadriplegic cerebral palsy. That ended it.
Which makes me wonder if I could have done a better job with ‘[crazy].’
ETA: [crazy]= r3tarded
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amother
Caramel
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 12:30 pm
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My 14-year-old daughter says most of these things, especially socially off, dysfunctional, actually, but one I haven't seen on this thread yet is "situation." Everything's a situation!
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amother
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 3:08 pm
Oh so sped is like "chush", which teens use to mean weird, socially off, you get the idea...
But it's from the name of a school for special needs kids! I took it upon myself to educate my siblings/siblings in law that it is really offensive to use!
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#BestBubby
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 3:21 pm
When I was young- in the olden days
People said that's meshuga all the time.
Even the non jews.
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Chayalle
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 3:28 pm
My DD was saying "actually" by the age of 2, and my great-nephew already uses the term at age 3....does it run in our extended family, or is it generational?
I was just grating some lemon zest for a salad, and telling my teen how much I like the pleasant smell of working with lemons....and she said "I know, so satisfying". I laughed and thought of this thread. She gave me a strange look.
LOL.
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amother
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 5:30 pm
Here's one no one said yet. Ish
Not a word, but the end of a word. As in small-ish, large-ish, white-ish.
I ask if dd has a lot of homework tonight? Answer: ish.
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amother
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 5:54 pm
| amother Latte wrote: | Here's one no one said yet. Ish
Not a word, but the end of a word. As in small-ish, large-ish, white-ish.
I ask if dd has a lot of homework tonight? Answer: ish. |
I do that!! My kids don’t though.
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amother
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 6:11 pm
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Don't know if anyone posted . My teen's favorite words are "sus" " bhoozhy" and "narsty".
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amother
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Mon, Aug 12 2024, 6:15 pm
Oh and don't forget
Nisht apropes! (Not appropriate). Like ma you're embarrassing me, nisht aprops!
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