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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

OP ↓

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 2:22 pm

DD14 is home with nothing to do. She worked first half and didn't get into camp second half. Most of her friends are away now. My other kids are out during the day. It's just me, her, and my 18m old baby. She is so bored. I get it, at that age, you need friends, not your mother. But her behavior is deteriorating rapidly, I'm becoming concerned for her mental health.

I can take her shopping, take her out for ice cream and similar. But I am not able to things like take her to pottery painting or other things that my 18m old can't do. She is going crazy at home, she's bored. She ends up just screaming at me that I'm dysfunctional and not normal and I don't understand. She is also being very bossy and annoying to all my younger kids, normal up to a point but this is with a new level of anger that I don't see from her typically.

I would be happy to find her a job or something but she's not interested because she doesn't have a friend to do it with. I've offered to take her to a craft store to pick out a diamond art or paint by number but she says she has no patience to do it. She's not really the type to have patience for such a thing but now even less because she's so bored and understimulated. She likes to read but doesn't even have interest to do that anymore. I'm really concerned about her.

My heart is breaking for her, she's the type that likes to keep busy. At the same time, my heart is hurting for me too. I'm trying my best to help her and she's not letting me. She wants things from me that I can't give her. The way she's been speaking to me is really hurting me. I mostly ignore it or occasionally say something like I don't expect you to speak that way to me, but for the most part, I realize that she's hurting and lashing out at the nearest safe person. I don't know what to do anymore. I just locked myself in my room.

amother

Forestgreen ↓

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 2:25 pm

Why can't you take her to things your 18 month old can't do? Can you time it around naps so they sleep in the stroller? Or bring toys and snacks they can use in tje stroller and then hold them a bit? You can go bowling, arcades, topgolf etc... with a child that age...might not be fun for you but definitely doable. You can rent a pool on swimply. I would try to give her fun experiences. She is lashing out from hurting and being bored.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 2:31 pm

amother Forestgreen wrote:

Because my 18m old is not an easy kid. I can't sit in a pottery painting place or take him bowling. He won't nap in the stroller. Snack and toys only keep him happy for short amounts of time unless we're walking. That's why I can go shopping/mall because we keep moving or we can go out to eat or for ice cream because that he's interested in doing. I can't go bowling and hold him, he literally throws himself all over the place and I'm restraining him so he doesn't fall. DD14 doesn't like swimming (its the 9 days, wouldn't work now anyway.)
Yes, I realize that she's hurting and bored. I'm still struggling.

amother

Apricot ↓

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 2:35 pm

You can do more with him. Give him a paintbrush in the pottery place, if he needs breaks leave the teen at the table and take a quick walk with him. It’s not easy but it’s doable . The more you do it the quicker he adapts to these things.

amother

Navyblue

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 2:36 pm

My dd was in a similar situation. I sent her oot to relatives. So did other moms I know.

The 14 yo girls are at cousins, bubbies, tantas…
Some are having fun with cousins their age, helping out with younger kids (not their siblings), others are in camps where their relatives are…

You need to think out of the box. I am eternally grateful to an imamother thread here for helping me think out of the box and finding somewhere for my 14 yo dd to go!!!

amother

Cornsilk

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 2:45 pm

Commiserating. I'm sorry. This is why I don't allow my teens to stay home. I love them and I miss them but I need a break from teenage behavior.

Maybe she can still find a job in a camp or playgroup. Doing nothing all day only leads to bad feelings and not nice behavior.

amother

Opal

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 2:50 pm

Is there a course she can take? Sewing, photography, hairstyling, typing something like that? Even online?

flowerpower

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 2:54 pm

Can you send her to someones bungalow for a week? Any friends, family…? Does she have grandparents she can visit?

amother

Yarrow ↓

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 2:56 pm

I fully understand being limited by the toddler. I have one like that too, there is no taking him somewhere that he cant safely run in circles. Would she want to learn a new skill or take some course? Do you have relatives somewhere she can go visit? Are there any friends home that you can just drop them off at fun activities and pick up after?

amother

Tomato

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 3:07 pm

amother Apricot wrote:

Not all toddlers are created equal! Some will nap nicely in the stroller..others, not.

behappy2

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 3:09 pm

Get her videos to watch

Send baby to babysitter for a bit so she can have time with you

See if she can learn a new skill

mummiedearest

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 3:18 pm

Here’s the thing. She is responsible for her emotions. You are responsible for providing an environment conducive to healthy behavior. Home is not that right now. You are the parent. You absolutely can tell her to take a job without a friend or find a hobby. Give her a deadline. If her behavior doesn’t improve, have a job lined up for her in a week. She doesn’t have to like it, she just has to do it. She’ll be fine once she gets used to it. What you are doing right now is giving in to her perception that you should be entertaining her. That’s the natural self-centered thought process of a teen. You are all your Children’s mother, and you have to balance things for others as well. Have her stock shelves at a grocery store if need be. She’s capable. If she complains, she was the opportunity to find her own job but refused. You snooze, you lose. Next time she’ll figure things out herself.

amother

↑ Apricot ↓

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 3:21 pm

amother Tomato wrote:

Not all toddlers are created equal! Some will nap nicely in the stroller..others, not.

I had difficult ones you get a leash, you find safe places for them… you think out of the box and make it work. Or maybe even send him out twice a week.

amother

Silver

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 3:28 pm

I see a lot of people leaving their teens at loose ends. I think they need structure and socialization. She really needs to be in camp or in some type of appropriate working environment. Maybe she can still enroll for the last two weeks? Even if her school friends are not there she will be around other girls and hopefully make friends.

If you have her own then there is a need for more of a Mommy camp and activities with you. Somehow you have to do it even if it’s very tough for you with baby.

Seashell

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 3:59 pm

Can u try to do teen appropriate things when your DH is home -evenings and / or weekends? At least she feels there's what to look forward too and she had some summer fun? Then u can do pottery / bowling / mini golf maybe even a restaraunt. It will take work on DHs part to man the fort then but sounds like its really important. If she has what to look forward to she may be easier to work with the rest of the time.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 4:30 pm

amother Silver wrote:

I agree with you. I do think she needs structure and socialization. This is the problem. I don't think it's so reasonable to expect that I should take her every single day bowling, arcades, pottery, whatever, those things actually get boring eventually too. She really needs structure and friends in her life.
If I thought it would actually help, I would rope dh into helping me make it work on Sundays or evenings so I can take her out. Honestly, she will still go crazy all the rest of the hours of the week. She's the type that usually spends a lot of time with friends. I can't provide that type of stimulation for her.
I wish I had someone to send her to for a week. She would love it but I just don't have a healthy safe place to send her to.

amother

Phlox ↓

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 4:36 pm

Can you do a course:

Skillnosh

Between hub

Manifest

Outschool

amother

↑ Phlox ↓

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 4:38 pm

Can she do a bake sale?

Can she advertise that she’s available to sub as a counselor in a backyard camp?

amother

Blonde

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 4:38 pm

Do you want to post a location? Maybe people here will have ideas what she can do?

amother

Wine

Thu, Aug 08 2024, 4:47 pm

Summer 2020 , I could not get 14yo DD into camp or find her a job, eventually, me and another friend with same age DD called a person we knew in charge of of a small camp, she had enough staff , but we literally begged her to take our DDs and told her that we will give her money to pay our girls, we gave her $400 each, and she paid our DDs $200 per half. Girls did not know we were the ones paying, but honestly B'H my DD had a great summer , made $400 plus tips, had experience and references to apply for a big camp next year ,and was busy the whole summer, so it was money well spent.

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