My daughter is being taken advantage of

amother

↑ Mintgreen

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 7:55 pm

amother Marigold wrote:

The partners need to be picked very carefully. In my case the teachers chose kids who seemed to be friendly and ok hanging out with my kid. I think it's a mistake to push it on anyone who doesn't want it. They also tried to do 2 kids at a time instead of 1 so that it's less of burden to the kid and they get to be with their friend too. It really needs to be navigated carefully. Also no one kid should be doing it too often.

Thanks, this makes sense. Appreciate the response.

amother

↑ Lavender

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 10:01 pm

amother Mintgreen wrote:

How do you go about selecting partners? I'm just curious, because my daughter was forced into being a partner and she deeply resented it. I think it still impacts her now with her approach to SN.

I am just putting it out there because shadows need to consider the regular kids too. While I agree that children should be taught how do chesed and how to appropriately behave towards SN, it has to be when a child is ready for it. Pushing a child into it when she isn't ready can have the opposite effect.

That’s exactly my point! Partners need to be picked carefully and infrequently. It’s unfair to OPs dd to always have to do it.
Because it’s camp and not school with experienced teacher, OP definitely has to reach out to camp director.
I live in Lakewood, shadows are hired by outside agency that should give training. Camp director needs to tell agency that this shadow needs some more training.
Mainstreaming has tremendous benefits for all when done properly.

Tzutzie

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 10:14 pm

I agree about talking to the camp.
Only when partners are paired up, they ships carefully choose a partner for her. Just to help with art and crafts, the shadow should definitely help the kid. Not your dd.
Unless a kid offers every now and then (highly unlikely) it is the shadows responsibility. It's literally what she was hired for.

Op, your daughter sounds like a real sweet heart.
The midda/nature she has is a beautiful yiddish hartz.

Take extra to build up her self worth, her self esteem and her confidence, and she will go very very far!

SYA

Tue, Aug 06 2024, 11:44 pm

Please let the camp know.

Most agencies do give some type of training. It is mandated by the govt agency that is paying for the service. It may not be enough. You need to contact the camp and let them know what’s happening. They also can let her know that your child should not be put on the spot.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 12:39 am

amother OP wrote:

There's a special needs child in my daughters bunk in daycamp. My daughter is by nature very sensitive & inclusive of special needs children, and is very nice to them. It seems like the girls shadow is seeing this as an opportunity to let go a bit of her responsibilities & having my daughter be with her alot throughout the day. The shadow is supposed to be the girls partner at activities & she's been asking my daughter to be her partner. The shadow is supposed to help her with arts n crafts & she's asking my daughter to help her. My daughter has a hard time saying no to requests from adults/people older than her. Today she came home very upset that she's being taken advantage of & that she lost out on the fun of a special activity because the shadow asked her to be the girls buddy.
I want to bring it up with someone. Who do I call? The camp? The girls mother to ask her for the shadow's phone number so I can call her directly?
TIA

Yes the camp. Nor the shadow or the other mother.
Make your concerns clear and goal is your dtr be In every special activity. Buddy responsibility is not ur dtrs. They will say all girls take a turn so sometimes a girl will lose out. Tell them yr dtr is being taken advantage of and thats not ok

Your job is to be ur dtrs advocate.
The shadow is doing what's good for her and not ur dtr.

tree of life

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 12:41 am

amother OP wrote:

Call the head of camp this is not acceptable

ittsamother

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 1:43 am

OP we're all very invested in your daughter's camp experience now, we can't wait to hear that it was resolved with the shadow and that she's not being taken advantage of anymore, we would love if you come back and update us on how the conversation with the camp goes!

amother

Amethyst ↓

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 4:49 pm

I am flabbergasted that in this entire thread not one person has pointed out the opportunity for your daughter and the rest of the bunk to reach out to this girl with special needs and invite her to join their group, play with her, and include her!

The shadow is obviously there to help in certain circumstances but why are the rest of the girls not expected and encouraged to make this girl feel welcome?! She is paying camp fees just like them. She is created b'tzelem Elokim just like they are. Why is her shadow expected to be her partner and paid "friend"?! Why are you, the parent, not encouraging your child to build a friendship with this girl who probably has a lot to offer?!

Genuinely astonished.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 5:11 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

You read the situation wrong. Because my daughter has been nice & inclusive of her, the shadow decided that my daughter is the girls best friend & has been taking advantage of my daughter.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 5:11 pm

ittsamother wrote:

I left a message with the camp director, if she doesn't call me back by tomorrow, I'll call again.

amother

↑ Marigold ↓

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 5:29 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

This isn’t about forming friendships it’s about the shadow having a girl do her job. It’s another girl’s job to assist the girl with her projects and activities.

amother

Currant ↓

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 6:45 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

I came here to say that.
My heart broke reading the thread, for so many reasons.
The shadow should definitely not be taking advantage of your daughter’s kindness.
AND there is this underlying sentiment of so many favors to this kid with SN, without acknowledging that inclusion done properly is so so beneficial to the typical peers and bunk. I can tell the difference between kids who have had exposure and normalization of people with disabilities and those who have not.
Either way, your daughter sounds kindhearted and may you be able to support her in her autonomy and friend choices, whoever those may be.
Signed,
A mother who may be the mother of this SN kid in camp.

CPenzias ↓

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 6:50 pm

Success10 wrote:

I'll be the odd one out here and suggest speaking to the shadow first. She's probably young and inexperienced. Please make her aware that what she's doing is not appreciated and give her a chance to fix it before going to the higher ups. I think most people would like that courtesy.

But she has to call the girls mother to get the number for the shadow. If I was that mom I'd feel so terrible 😞 I don't think she should call the girls mom.

↑ CPenzias

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 6:54 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

OP's daughter I'm sure doesn't mind being this other girls partner sometimes but she doesn't want to be expected to do it all the time. Yes, the other girls should also be encouraged but it shouldn't all be on one kid. I honestly don't think OP is out of line. I'm a special education teacher and a mom to a kiddo who has sn.

amother

Strawberry

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 7:08 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

2 different matters
OP is asking who she should contact to make sure her DD isn't missing out in camp because she has to do this.
A different point is that the girls should make the effort but it isn't what we are discussing....

↑ notshanarishona

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 7:51 pm

amother Amethyst wrote:

If you notice, earlier in the thread I mentioned that based on my experience, it would be very unusual if the camp required the shadow to be the girl’s partner for everything and didn’t try to integrate and that the whole arrangement sounds off.

amother

↑ Marigold

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 7:58 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

Having someone assist her with activities and therefore not be able to partake fully is not integrating her. That’s forcing a kid to do someone’s paid job for free.

amother

↑ Currant ↓

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 8:12 pm

Do NOT call the mom. Unless it’s “hi Mrs. L, I am Miri’s mother, your daughter Baila is in her bunk at camp and she was wondering if there might be a time after camp ends or a Sunday that they can have a play date.”

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Aug 07 2024, 8:18 pm

amother Currant wrote:

There are several special needs classes in my girls school year round, the girls have a ton of exposure to special needs kids on a daily basis & are bh doing amazing with it.
The girl that's currently in my daughters bunk, has behavioral issues & often has meltdowns and gets aggressive, which is why she needs her shadow at her side throughout the day & for activities. It was just too difficult on the girls. My daughter has a good heart & feels bad for everyone, and it seems like the shadow is just taking the opportunity to shirk her responsibilities.