Alcohol | Imamother

amother

OP ↓

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 12:51 pm

We were at a Simcha on Shabbos. There was alcohol there. 13 year old son was hanging out with older cousins and ended up having some alcohol (bh not very much, he did not get drunk, but dh caught him with some stuff in a cup and he already had had some.) We think it was more a matter of peer pressure than trying to be sneaky. He definitely knew he shouldn't, but he was trying to be cool for his older cousins. We've talked to him about it and took away his phone after shabbos but things are still in limbo in terms of consequences. We don't want to be too punitive which could backfire, lead to sneaking around etc. But do want to send a message that this is serious, and there are consequences for this type of behavior. Where do we go from here?

amother

Indigo ↓

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 12:55 pm

I think it very much depends on the circles you’re part of. In our circles it would only backfire if I made a big deal about how bad drinking is. When my son was younger (maybe not as young as 13) I allowed him to drink low alcohol beverages at our shabbos meal. So he always knew he can be open with us about drinking. Now at 18, I feel that he drinks responsibly and doesn’t feel he has to hide it from us. I remember a few years ago he told me that some of his friends were playing a drinking game and since I was sleeping and he couldn’t ask me if he could join, he didn’t drink. My belief is that open communication where your child feels comfortable being honest with you is the best way.

Chayalle ↓

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 12:59 pm

Um, what does taking his phone away have to do with his having had alcohol?
I was taught that the consequences should always be related to the infraction. Otherwise you are just being punitive, and it's not about punishment, but about consequences.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 1:06 pm

It was more of a collateral thing, like we felt we needed to do something, but I agree, it doesn't really make sense. Hence the question, what SHOULD we do? We do allow him to have a little bit of wine at the shabbos table, and we'd be fine with a (very little) bit of other things under parental supervision. We do not want him drinking with other teens at his age, but we're not anti any alcohol either.

simcha12plus

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 1:09 pm

why don’t you ask him what he thinks?
Maybe he has some understanding that he can share.
I don’t think you should punish him unless it is very clear in your family rules that this is something deserving of punishment

mha3484 ↓

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 1:09 pm

When my oldest started bar mitzvahs a year ago, we had a long talk about the alcohol table. IE that he should not touch it, its not for him. This worked well most of the year until he was invited to a shabbos lunch for a classmate and the father was passing out lchaims to the boys. He tried some. He said he was coughing, his nose was running, it burned. And he never touched the stuff again. I did not punish him. He got the message himself that its not worth drinking again.

I think we need to educate our kids about drinking and what it does to your brain cells but I'm not convinced that punishments really do a lot.

amother

↑ Indigo ↓

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 1:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

Have an open conversation with him. Let him drink with you but tell him that right now he’s too young to drink without adult supervision. But allow him to drink in moderation with adult supervision. I agree that taking away his phone makes no sense. What does that have to do with anything? I don’t see why any consequence was necessary at all. Did you ever discuss this with him before?

B'Syata D'Shmya

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 1:13 pm

We proudly taught our kids responsible drinking - both by example and stressing that we are a family who stay away from excessive drinking, no solutions at the bottom of the bottle etc. We acknowledge that potential problems exist and its not us to ever take more than one drink.

We only have wine for Shabbos/Yuntif kiddish, Purim Seudah (and of course Leil HaSeder) and we are proud that we arent drinkers or have problems getting drunk. We dont hide our alcohol or make a big deal about it. We never drink and drive - ever. Even at a wedding, whoever is driving drinks no alcohol - just in case we have to leave unexpectedly (some drink at the beginning of the wedding thinking by the end of the wedding the affects will have worn off..).

I dont know why you want to punish the poor kid, did he drink in secret (hiding it from you?) or against your expressed instructions? He was hanging with his cousins and one thing led to another?
This is a great excuse for a serious conversation. I would have dh take him bowling or something and discuss responsibilities of young adulthood and sometimes saying no thanks is the most adult choice he has. etc.

Chances are he will come to responsible conclusions himself and as a parent all you can do is be there for and with him.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 1:17 pm

amother Indigo wrote:

We have discussed the risks of alcohol and that at his age adult supervised drinking is the way to go. And we reiterated that yesterday. His social skills are on the weaker side and he is definitely more susceptible to peer pressure because of it. I think if the consensus here from experienced teen parents is that this is more of a talking plus making sure he is aware that he will be under tighter supervision for now is sufficient, then we will talk to him again tonight and return his phone.

↑ mha3484

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 1:23 pm

I think we need to set our sons up for success. In our house DH and I like an occasional drink either the rest of the shabbos wine or a hard seltzer type drink. Our son will see us share one can of these for the two of us so its really not a lot of alcohol. We daven in a shul with no kiddush culture. No lechaims at the shabbos table. So when my boys go to other shuls for their friends simchas they know where we stand about drinking. If your husband drinks at kiddushim its much harder for your son to understand why he cant.

amother

↑ Indigo

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 1:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

He’s still very young and now is the time to talk to him. If he is more susceptible to peer pressure, that should be part of the conversation. Let him know he can always come to you to talk about anything and you won’t be upset at him. Show that you understand how difficult peer pressure is. And that you have no problem with him drinking in moderation with you but that he’s too young right now to drink without adult supervision. Empower him to be responsible about it and show you that you can trust him. Make him feel good about himself as opposed to punishing him.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 1:33 pm

Thank you everyone. Dh and I are both occasional drinkers and we are ok with our kids drinking a little under our direct supervision. We drink wine with shabbos meals and one of us will sometimes (not always) have a shot at kiddush. We might also have a cocktail at a Simcha. It seems the best course here is not to punish, have a serious discussion to remind him that alcohol can be dangerous which is why our rule is it MUST be under parental supervision, older cousins don't count. We will give him his phone back. And dh will be a little more on top of him in situations where alcohol is just out on a drinks table. Thanks again. He's our oldest and we're new to teen stuff (his bar mitzvah was very recent).