Teens spending their own money on extravagant purchases

amother

Apple ↓

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 12:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Agreed!! But she got it into her head… and I guess she does have lots of sleepovers with friends.
The brand is Aviator Nation.

So most girls have the zip ups-they wear them every day, not just for PJs. I didn’t even know pants, I’ve seen them on sale many time throughout the year. I would say no to the pants, but yes to them zip up. But in our family we wait for sales, my girls know this. We never pay full price and they learn the value of waiting for something- how important is it really to them? They arent making a splurge purchase. Hard-earned money is valuable, we can spend it, but with seichel.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 12:29 pm

amother Apple wrote:

We did wait for the sale.. still ridiculously overpriced

amother

↑ Crystal

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 12:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

Right, sweatshirts with matching sweatpants that the girls in camp all used as pajamas. She said she will wear the sweatshirt not only as pajamas, but even that’s over the top imo.

Honestly why not

They really aren't pajamas - they are leisure wear.

She can get a lot of use from the hoodie and the sweatpants are just a bit extra thrown in.

In the realm of over the top stuff, this is pretty mild in my opinion as it is also functional and probably based on the cost per amount of times she will wear is relatively low - not to mention that it will give her immense pleasure for the rest of the year

It's not my taste but that isn't relevant. I gave up trying to figure out that element shopping for teenage girls.

Just Me :)

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 2:08 pm

I am all for waiting for sales and not spending on unreasonably overpriced things. However, I've been in her position and my parents did not let me get the things that were important to me(with my own really hard earned money), and instead of it being good chinuch, I just felt a strong desire to overcompensate and buy those brands once I got married. On the rare occasions that my parents let me purchase overpriced things with my own money, I was actually able to look back and learn how those purchases were wasteful. Kids gotta learn from their mistakes. Or maybe it is one of those dumb purchases that will make her happy.

She sounds like a responsible girl whose parents are already doing a good job being mechanech her(ie. you mentioned one lulu sweatshirt was a gift). It does not sound like an easy time to parent teens!

Brit in Israel

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 2:14 pm

You did fine, it her money, her mistake.
It could be she will feel really good with herself when she goes to a sleep over and it could be she will see it doesnt make her feel any better with herself and wont spend her money again on this.
Either way if you would have not let her she would have held it against you...

amother

Turquoise ↓

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 2:44 pm

I have a pre teen and can see this coming up!!
Oy the thing a she ‘needed’ for camp!
My 11.5 year old daughter was telling me how alot of girls have the $500 cannon camera. (Bh she didn’t ask for that!)
We discussed how it made no sense to spend so
Much at this age on a camera. It can get lost, new things coming out every year… I said iyh if she becomes a professional photographer I can see getting that Smile

bh she understood and I bought her a camera for $100.

It’s important for girls to ‘live and learn’. I think what you did was good - she will enjoy the pj’s this year - by next year ther will be something else out and she’ll say did I really need to spend so much on that.
It will iyh be a learning experience for her without any resentment towards you.

little neshamala

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 3:28 pm

I'll be the odd one out.
Ducking for the tomatos here, not sure why im not doing this anon...
No I dont allow my daughter to use her own money to purchase ridiculously exorbitant high-end items because it goes against all of our values.
Just like we wouldnt allow her to use her own money to do an aveirah. Just because its "her money "...she still needs guidance and we provide it.

ETA thats not to say I agree with every single thing she purchases. I thought spending $5 on funny stickers to put on letters to her friends was a waste of money, but ok. We each prioritize things differently (and she would snort at me using the $5 to buy a new steak seasoning.) But its $5, and simply a difference of taste. Very different from allowing her to use the money on something that literally goes against our values

Last edited by little neshamala on Sun, Aug 04 2024, 4:19 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Tan

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 3:51 pm

As a kid I really appreciated my mom allowing me to have responsibility over the money I earned and being able to spend it any way I choose. I sometimes made stupid purchases, but I learned from them. If you instill good financial choices in your children, then this won’t last, they need a moment to experiment and to feel what losing money feels like. I should note that my mom did not give me any money after the age of 12, all clothes, trips and food outings were from my babysitting income. So if you treat her to 5 Shabbos dresses, she may not care to spend carelessly on lululemon, she knows you’ll buy her other things she wants

amother

Leaf

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 4:38 pm

My 13 year old made a dumb, non-returnable purchase a few weeks ago, spending $50 of his own money. He regretted it within a few days. Now he's a lot more careful to think it through. $50 is worth a good lesson. A few hundred is a lot more, and I might put in some more effort to dissuade from such a thing, but ultimately would not prevent it. She will either love and feel good about herself for having earned enough to make such a purchase, or she will regret having spent so much and it will be a lesson learned that is still relatively low stakes in the grand scheme of things.

simcha12plus

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 4:49 pm

is her money supposed to be saved for something else?
(for example: seminary spending money)

If yes, then you have to remind her of that. If not, then the money is hers to spend.

Also, how quickly and easily can she make back the money?

I have a hard time when my kids spend their own money. I just don’t value stuff and I don’t think one or two sweatshirts or a set of pajamas would make them feel “in” enough.

However, I know there are things they want, that are important (for example: contacts, travel, jewelry, winter vacation trip).

amother

PlumPink

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 5:04 pm

When I was a teen I had a certain allowance for clothing, but food (snacks etc) & books my parents let me use their credit cards. (I was in college & then sem for a year so also dealing w food)

So when I got married (& was in kollel) & had no idea you were supposed to check the price before buying strawberries (oh the good old days...)

So I do think it's good chinuch, as a life skill, to teach kids about careful spending. And also to model it. Which my parents definitely did not.

Yet somehow we managed 10 yrs in kollel (without support!)

amother

↑ OP

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 5:11 pm

happy7 wrote:

No, the money is not earmarked for anything. It’s hers to spend or save as she chooses. Both my teens work with no particular savings goal in mind. So she has a few thousand dollars of which she basically hasn’t touched in the past few years. For the first time she used it to purchase a much more reasonable item for herself recently and felt so good about it. It was an extra that she knew made no sense for me to buy, but it wasn’t particularly extravagant. I kind of understand her, she works for the money and it’s sitting in the bank which doesn’t mean much at her age. I can see why she’d want to spent some of it to feel that the work was worth it.

amother

Coral

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 5:15 pm

Op if that was my daughter here’s what I would do-
I’d have an honest conversation telling her that when I was a girl, I spent all my money on things like designer clothes etc and then had nothing left for really important things when I got married. I regret my choices and wish someone would have told me to invest and watch my money grow.
Another lesson I learned is that designer clothing doesn’t make me happy. I enjoy it for a week but then I want something else that I saw online or that I saw someone else had. I decided to actively work on myself via gratitude, thanking Hashem daily for the things I have, big and small. And I think seriously before a big purchase to see if I’ll get a lot of use out of it and if I think it’ll really fulfill me need. But 99% of the time after 1 purchase- whether a sheitel, a Diamond bracelet, a designer bag- I am not happy and want something more.

If after that my daughter would still want to buy it I’d let her.

Of course if I’m not planning to buy her a car, I’d tell her she’s welcome to save for that etc

octopus

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 5:23 pm

You did the right thing. You gave your opinion, you waited for a sale. She will learn very quickly if she regrets purchasing it. My kid once spent $25 on a tiny little name brand shopping bag! I know it wasn't $200 but still so foolish!I told her that's ridiculous!! It wasn't a purse or anything. But it was her hard earned money. Guess what? It broke pretty quickly. She got it out of her system and really all of her purchases are with more seichel. I disagree with chayalle. I grew up spending my own money. You learn A LOT when you spend your own money. Even from the silly purchases and it's not bad chinuch.

notshanarishona

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 5:48 pm

If it was lets say allowance or birthday $ that I was giving, I would set parameters for the type of thing to spend it on (ie can’t be candy, can’t be on something used up in 1 day like arcade games ). If it’s her $ that she earned as long as she isn’t buying something untsnius or unhealthy I wouldn’t insist on anything. I would make sure she realizes your opinion of its worth and maybe show her that she can buy 8 non brand name pajamas for the same price .
The whole enjoyment of a teen having their own $ is to have the freedom to make their own choices and decide what’s important to them. Once parents make too many rules and limits, many kids will either hide their spending or decide it’s not worth working.

amother

↑ Apple

Sun, Aug 04 2024, 5:52 pm

amother Starflower wrote:

I think it’s ok to let her spend her own money. I’m just dismayed that these are the standards now. Everything is so way over the top.

THIS

It’s so hard to be a teen today. Esp if your parents can’t understand and don’t let you partake in the norms. As over the top as they may be, there are some things that are considered norms.

We can’t change the world. I really wish we could.

camp123

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 12:41 am

I think you probably have to let her do it.

But separately I would show how how investing her money will make her more later. I would show her the value of compound interest. I would make sure she understands that if she invests now she may have money for a car when she wants it.
I would have conversations about the value of money and why its necessary to spend wisely. I would teach her about opportunity cost and our wants and needs.
One you have educated her properly and non judgmentally she can make her own decision.
If I have a child that is a natural spender I would encourage them to save and invest, but if the child was a natural saver I would encourage them to spend. So it depends on the kid.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Aug 05 2024, 1:07 am

amother OP wrote:

Chayalle, I’m a long time fan of yours and was excited to see a response from you. Although it felt a little harsh. My life hasn’t been easy and perhaps I spend as a coping skill. Still, I’ve always taught my children responsible spending and they never ask for expensive items from me. In fact my daughter didn’t dream of asking me to buy this or anything remotely like it. She’s always so appreciative of every small thing I get her. This is something she wanted to spend her own money on. She feels she worked hard for the money (babysitting crying kids and changing dirty diapers) and this is important to her. She’s too young to start thinking about really important things like buying a car. I’m guessing our girls are part of very different crowds. I still value your opinion, and I understand your point, but I think if I deprive her something all her friends have and don’t allow her to spend a small percentage of her hard earned money as she would like, she will only be resentful. And I don’t see anything good coming out of that.

It's not too early to teach your child about buying important things like a car. She won't buy it tomorrow but there's only a benefit to teach her about small and big purchases it an early age.