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-> Parenting our children
amother
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 Wed, Jul 31 2024, 2:20 pm
When they are sleeping I feel love for them. I love them very much but they exhaust, drain, and trigger me constantly. I don't think I'm depressed.
I try so hard to be a good mother and to run my house and family but I burn out so fast and so many of my struggles clash or are exacerbated by my childrens struggles.
I did not diagnose my children. Doctors did and they were sent for evaluations because they needed it. They each have a diagnosis, some are on medications, all have been in therapy at some point and some still are. This is not something I did to them or created about them, 3 are AuDHD and one is ADHD. My husband is AuDHD himself.
If my kids never had to do anything (go to school, get dressed, hygeine, homework, clean up, sleep etc) I'm sure I would enjoy them more. They aren't bad humans but they struggle so much that managing to get them to do what they need to and have a semblance of peace in this house is a pipedream. They trigger each other, hence the meltdowns and constant fighting. They just have so many needs I once told DH each of them need to be an only child.
I do need to focus more on their maylos, and it's a good reminder to point out whenever someone does even the tinest thing. I'm just in survival mode most of the time.
I will look into shais Taubs course again. Last time I looked into it people told me it's not a practical course at all, it helps you focus on the kids as neshamos but they didn't see any long term difference in their parenting and felt it was a waste of money.
I want to love being a mother, I want to be a better mother but I feel like I'm just going round and round in circles trying things and getting no where and then feeling even worse.
Oh and clearly I'm having a very hard time with the pekel Hashem gave me, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it.
PS notice the word I use to describe my childrens issues is struggles. I don't think they are bad or davka or crazy, I know that these are struggles they have. They would do better or different if they could.
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amother
Oxfordblue
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 2:37 pm
| amother Glitter wrote: | This is not a sympathy post. You can choose to skip it.
Stop diagnosing your children. Get your act together.
To clarify: as long as you view your children as a burden, you will not enjoy spending time with them. You sound like you make s lot of excuses for yourself. Reframe, stop being a 'victim' , get some guidance and a parenting class and give your children a fair shot in life by appreciating the treasures that they are and giving them the mother they deserve.
Oh, and stop putting labels on them. The only thing they might be is emotionally neglected. |
Your post is so nasty. Not sure why you think this might br helpful. Op said she's done classes and books and therapy. You obviously have no idea how draining nd children can be. Everyday things that people take for granted are enormous challenges. You have no clue, so drop the judgement.
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amother
Emerald
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 2:41 pm
ADHD kids are hard to raise . Very hard .
few things I will tell you that’s has helped our family
1. Make sure your kids are on all the right meds they could be on .
If most of their behavior are under control it’ll make a huge difference for your whole family
2. Some ages & stages are harder than others
If you are struggling now & your kids are little it may surprise you & many things maybe easier as they get older .
Hang in there
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amother
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 2:57 pm
| amother OP wrote: | When they are sleeping I feel love for them. I love them very much but they exhaust, drain, and trigger me constantly. I don't think I'm depressed.
I try so hard to be a good mother and to run my house and family but I burn out so fast and so many of my struggles clash or are exacerbated by my childrens struggles.
I did not diagnose my children. Doctors did and they were sent for evaluations because they needed it. They each have a diagnosis, some are on medications, all have been in therapy at some point and some still are. This is not something I did to them or created about them, 3 are AuDHD and one is ADHD. My husband is AuDHD himself.
If my kids never had to do anything (go to school, get dressed, hygeine, homework, clean up, sleep etc) I'm sure I would enjoy them more. They aren't bad humans but they struggle so much that managing to get them to do what they need to and have a semblance of peace in this house is a pipedream. They trigger each other, hence the meltdowns and constant fighting. They just have so many needs I once told DH each of them need to be an only child.
I do need to focus more on their maylos, and it's a good reminder to point out whenever someone does even the tinest thing. I'm just in survival mode most of the time.
I will look into shais Taubs course again. Last time I looked into it people told me it's not a practical course at all, it helps you focus on the kids as neshamos but they didn't see any long term difference in their parenting and felt it was a waste of money.
I want to love being a mother, I want to be a better mother but I feel like I'm just going round and round in circles trying things and getting no where and then feeling even worse.
Oh and clearly I'm having a very hard time with the pekel Hashem gave me, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it.
PS notice the word I use to describe my childrens issues is struggles. I don't think they are bad or davka or crazy, I know that these are struggles they have. They would do better or different if they could. | I THINK YOU R A GOOD MOTHER
and you need to tolerate your hard feelings and be nicer to yourself, and your anxiety drives you crazy about coping with motherhood. you are just exhausted. be nicer to yourself in first place, you will be able to be nicer to them, too.
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amother
DarkGray
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 3:09 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I am quite ashamed to say this, I never thought this would be me but I really don't enjoy being a mother. I used to love kids, was an amazing babysitter, counselor, teacher, I couldn't wait to be a mother but I really hate it.
I'm also really bad at it.
I enjoy the babies but once they are past 3, they become very challenging and drain me completely. I have ADHD and anxiety, both diagnosed after kids and both of which I'm very on top of managing but my kids literally trigger the worst in me. I have taken a bunch of courses, read book, therapy, I still struggle big time. Some days I manage them better than others but at no point am I enjoying them.
I have 4 children, all are ND, who struggle with executive functioning, emotional regulation, impulsivity, and rigidity to name a few.
Each day feels like survival of the fittest and I can't wait until they all fall asleep. I daven for nachas. I spend my entire morning and evening managing meltdowns and fights and needs.
I hate my life.
I get breaks and I live for those breaks. I don't miss my kids, I feel relief.
When my kids are off to school in the morning, a part of me returns to feeling centered and safe and ok. When kids are off of school, it's so hard for me because I don't get my own space to breathe and be.
Please don't tell me they will grow out of it. Their challenges don't get better, they change into different versions of the same challenges as they get older.
Obviously I am not having any more kids.
I don't want to feel this way forever.
Please do not advise therapy or a course, I've done these many times over. If you have support or advice or perspective or tips....anything you can offer here, I would appreciate. |
When I was going through childhood physical and psychological trauma over 13 plus years which included my stepmother trying to drug me by putting meds into my water etc, the only thing that gave me hope was clinging to Hashem through it all. No one says it’s easy and no one says we picked what’s on our plate. I am still living breathing dissociation and I don’t think I will ever get my innocent healthy brain back from childhood and will live with the scars in my processing forever.(memory loss, lack of connection to self and my goals, life mission, etc.)
My mantra is: we aren’t in this life in order to solely enjoy. I plan to teach my kids this as well. Roughly worded, but there’s a gemara that says that if a person doesn’t go through some discomfort in a span of 20 days - they do not enter gan Eden. It’s a fact. Whenever I have hard times I tell myself thank god that I’m not dying of god forbid terminal illness, thank god I’m Jewish, the yolk of being Jewish entails much more struggle than an average non Jewish person but it’s because metaphysically on a deeper level we are doing a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of tikkun olam and lifestyle inconveniences are definitely a part of it (to compare, during the time of Moshiach we won't have such days any longer)
The only thing that I have left to suggest is to try to incorporate as much quiet time/enjoyable non-child involving activities as possible within the time you have being alone. And being grateful for whatever you can be, even if it’s hard.
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amother
Azure
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 4:30 pm
I really relate. Except for me it started when they were babies. Getting triggered is normal with we have developmental trauma or complex PTSD. It's normal to be waiting till they grow up. It's normal to wait for bedtime. It's normal to feel out of sorts. It's normal that you were happy babysitting and being a Morah.
I want to let you know that over years of doing therapy things have slowly gotten better and better so hang in there.
I have also recently taken a somatic course that's been helpful but you don't want recommendations so I will tease out things that were helpful to me.
When you are feeling frustration building go into the bathroom and wrong out a towel, let your anger out in your face and voice.
Spend time noticing what is not triggering you in your environment to offset what is yes triggering you.
Take breaks
Take care of yourself inside of you and it will spill out towards them
This is not from the course but from therapy, make up a time you will spend with each child. This gives them security and they will be happier going off on their own the other times. Or if not that at least you know you've given them your time.
I hope this is helpful. It's a journey that we didn't choose.
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amother
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 5:36 pm
| amother Azure wrote: | I really relate. Except for me it started when they were babies. Getting triggered is normal with we have developmental trauma or complex PTSD. It's normal to be waiting till they grow up. It's normal to wait for bedtime. It's normal to feel out of sorts. It's normal that you were happy babysitting and being a Morah.
I want to let you know that over years of doing therapy things have slowly gotten better and better so hang in there.
I have also recently taken a somatic course that's been helpful but you don't want recommendations so I will tease out things that were helpful to me.
When you are feeling frustration building go into the bathroom and wrong out a towel, let your anger out in your face and voice.
Spend time noticing what is not triggering you in your environment to offset what is yes triggering you.
Take breaks
Take care of yourself inside of you and it will spill out towards them
This is not from the course but from therapy, make up a time you will spend with each child. This gives them security and they will be happier going off on their own the other times. Or if not that at least you know you've given them your time.
I hope this is helpful. It's a journey that we didn't choose. |
I actually did some somatic therapy and enjoyed it. I didn't expect to but I found it helpful in regulating myself- when I caught it in time.
Thank you for your compassionate response.
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amother
IndianRed
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 5:51 pm
In my opinion, there are legitimately women who are like that. ND aside. They work. They have careers. They have a sahd or nanny for the children. They are able to get higher quality time in smaller doses than doing all the smaller things like getting them to brush teeth or clean up their plate.
Sometimes situations are for real, plain difficult. It doesn't make you a worse mother, you play to your strengths and mitigate the things that derail the way you want them to grow up.
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amother
Denim
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 6:01 pm
Is AuDHD autism plus ADHD?
Have you tried medication for yourself since you mention ADHD plus anxiety.
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amother
DarkCyan
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 6:55 pm
| amother Glitter wrote: | This is not a sympathy post. You can choose to skip it.
Stop diagnosing your children. Get your act together.
To clarify: as long as you view your children as a burden, you will not enjoy spending time with them. You sound like you make s lot of excuses for yourself. Reframe, stop being a 'victim' , get some guidance and a parenting class and give your children a fair shot in life by appreciating the treasures that they are and giving them the mother they deserve.
Oh, and stop putting labels on them. The only thing they might be is emotionally neglected. |
Your post is disgusting, insensitive, judgmental, unhelpful and condescending. Ever heard of the quote “if you have nothing nice to say- say nothing..”
I hope you don’t treat your family with this harshness and lack of empathy when they’re struggling. Sheesh.
OP I’m sorry it’s so hard. I can relate to some of it. It’s time for more self care. When you take care of yourself and take more breaks you will have more to give. I’ve been lacking in that department so thanks for your post- it’s given me pause to recalibrate and start with baby steps… maybe ten minutes a day of focused time… or start with 5.
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amother
Honeydew
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 7:23 pm
| amother OP wrote: | When they are sleeping I feel love for them. I love them very much but they exhaust, drain, and trigger me constantly. I don't think I'm depressed.
I try so hard to be a good mother and to run my house and family but I burn out so fast and so many of my struggles clash or are exacerbated by my childrens struggles.
I did not diagnose my children. Doctors did and they were sent for evaluations because they needed it. They each have a diagnosis, some are on medications, all have been in therapy at some point and some still are. This is not something I did to them or created about them, 3 are AuDHD and one is ADHD. My husband is AuDHD himself.
If my kids never had to do anything (go to school, get dressed, hygeine, homework, clean up, sleep etc) I'm sure I would enjoy them more. They aren't bad humans but they struggle so much that managing to get them to do what they need to and have a semblance of peace in this house is a pipedream. They trigger each other, hence the meltdowns and constant fighting. They just have so many needs I once told DH each of them need to be an only child.
I do need to focus more on their maylos, and it's a good reminder to point out whenever someone does even the tinest thing. I'm just in survival mode most of the time.
I will look into shais Taubs course again. Last time I looked into it people told me it's not a practical course at all, it helps you focus on the kids as neshamos but they didn't see any long term difference in their parenting and felt it was a waste of money.
I want to love being a mother, I want to be a better mother but I feel like I'm just going round and round in circles trying things and getting no where and then feeling even worse.
Oh and clearly I'm having a very hard time with the pekel Hashem gave me, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it.
PS notice the word I use to describe my childrens issues is struggles. I don't think they are bad or davka or crazy, I know that these are struggles they have. They would do better or different if they could. |
Op I hope I don’t insult you, but have you considered that you have complex trauma instead of/ in addition to adhd? The symptoms look the same but the root cause is different. If you do have CPTSD - which can often come from having an unhealthy childhood yourself, you can absolutely improve this. Something about your posts make me think this can be the case.
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amother
Aqua
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 7:28 pm
| amother Glitter wrote: | This is not a sympathy post. You can choose to skip it.
Stop diagnosing your children. Get your act together.
To clarify: as long as you view your children as a burden, you will not enjoy spending time with them. You sound like you make s lot of excuses for yourself. Reframe, stop being a 'victim' , get some guidance and a parenting class and give your children a fair shot in life by appreciating the treasures that they are and giving them the mother they deserve.
Oh, and stop putting labels on them. The only thing they might be is emotionally neglected. |
Ha, if only it were that easy... It is quite obvious that you have not parented ND children. And thank g-d for that.
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amother
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 8:04 pm
| amother Honeydew wrote: | | Op I hope I don’t insult you, but have you considered that you have complex trauma instead of/ in addition to adhd? The symptoms look the same but the root cause is different. If you do have CPTSD - which can often come from having an unhealthy childhood yourself, you can absolutely improve this. Something about your posts make me think this can be the case. |
I'm not insulted, it's a legitimate question. ADHD runs in my family but I did well in school so it went under the radar. I don't have any reason to believe that I had PTSD. I BH had a very regular upbringing with supportive parents. Sometimes I wonder if my life now (for the past 10 years) created a trauma reaction in me.
I am on medication for my ADHD it also helps with some of the anxiety.
AuDHD is a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD.
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daughterofgod
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 8:36 pm
| amother OP wrote: | When they are sleeping I feel love for them. I love them very much but they exhaust, drain, and trigger me constantly. I don't think I'm depressed.
I try so hard to be a good mother and to run my house and family but I burn out so fast and so many of my struggles clash or are exacerbated by my childrens struggles.
I did not diagnose my children. Doctors did and they were sent for evaluations because they needed it. They each have a diagnosis, some are on medications, all have been in therapy at some point and some still are. This is not something I did to them or created about them, 3 are AuDHD and one is ADHD. My husband is AuDHD himself.
If my kids never had to do anything (go to school, get dressed, hygeine, homework, clean up, sleep etc) I'm sure I would enjoy them more. They aren't bad humans but they struggle so much that managing to get them to do what they need to and have a semblance of peace in this house is a pipedream. They trigger each other, hence the meltdowns and constant fighting. They just have so many needs I once told DH each of them need to be an only child.
I do need to focus more on their maylos, and it's a good reminder to point out whenever someone does even the tinest thing. I'm just in survival mode most of the time.
I will look into shais Taubs course again. Last time I looked into it people told me it's not a practical course at all, it helps you focus on the kids as neshamos but they didn't see any long term difference in their parenting and felt it was a waste of money.
I want to love being a mother, I want to be a better mother but I feel like I'm just going round and round in circles trying things and getting no where and then feeling even worse.
Oh and clearly I'm having a very hard time with the pekel Hashem gave me, if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it.
PS notice the word I use to describe my childrens issues is struggles. I don't think they are bad or davka or crazy, I know that these are struggles they have. They would do better or different if they could. |
The answer is you. Just start loving yourself. Love the good parts and bad parts of yourself. The more self love you can practice the more acceptance and tolerance for your own issues and your childhood baggage you can give yourself the easier it will be for you to love your kids.
If your cup is only muddy then the overflow will be muddy water. If your cup is full of hearts then the overflow will be full of love acceptance and tolerance which will turn your home into a joyful loving place.
Easier said than dne
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amother
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 9:40 pm
| amother Honeydew wrote: | | Op I hope I don’t insult you, but have you considered that you have complex trauma instead of/ in addition to adhd? The symptoms look the same but the root cause is different. If you do have CPTSD - which can often come from having an unhealthy childhood yourself, you can absolutely improve this. Something about your posts make me think this can be the case. |
I often think that raising a household of children with needs like these kids, who each have their own stuff plus are regularly triggering each other and have contradictory inflexible needs, which leads to a situation in which the status in the household is never ok for everyone at once, is a situation that leads to current constant low level trauma. So CPTSD without the P.
We live in this trauma daily, often never knowing when someone will explode or otherwise melt down or need to be picked up from school or whatever, and on the other hand knowing that the average family meal will predictably come with unresolvable fights, etc. When you live without being able to count on calm for so long, you don't need trauma in your past. It's now. And you have to work really hard to overcome and see the good and encourage it to expand. Or just to get off autopilot. Maybe that's why somatic work is good- we carry so much tension in ourselves without realizing it.
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amother
Bluebonnet
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 9:44 pm
I know the feeling well. As someone else said, one on one time is the key to calm connection. It's hard to find the time. I try to let one kid stay up later once a week (in my house it's Tuesday that works for me ) and they take turns getting to stay up half an hour later than the rest for some special time with me. I'm less triggered when I'm not being pulled in multiple directions and they're calmer when they're not in fight or flight from their siblings.
I also use ear plugs for myself many days after school. I try to have dinner ready when they walk in the door so they can grab it before they're over hungry.
I also have calming crafts (perler beads, sticker by number, gem mosaics- you need to know what works for your kids).
I also find story tapes help tone them down after school because they want to stay quiet and listen.
Also, one thing that smoothed mornings in my house- I bring down clothes for everyone the night before. If they want to pick their own clothes, they have to do it before they come downstairs and dress themselves, otherwise they get dressed in what I pickrd after breakfast.
I also just pack lunches for them- easier than convincing them to do it
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amother
Almond
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:15 pm
| amother Glitter wrote: | This is not a sympathy post. You can choose to skip it.
Stop diagnosing your children. Get your act together.
To clarify: as long as you view your children as a burden, you will not enjoy spending time with them. You sound like you make s lot of excuses for yourself. Reframe, stop being a 'victim' , get some guidance and a parenting class and give your children a fair shot in life by appreciating the treasures that they are and giving them the mother they deserve.
Oh, and stop putting labels on them. The only thing they might be is emotionally neglected. |
I really disagree with your post.
do you have any nuerodivergent kids?
do you know what it feels like to spend five minutes with a nuerodivergent child who is your responsibility and who can wreck havoc in five minutes?
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amother
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:22 pm
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You aren't enjoying them because your hands are SO full. You don't have the time or energy necessary. There's none left. I share your sentiments but am finding that my ND do get easier in some ways as they get older.
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amother
Mimosa
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Wed, Jul 31 2024, 11:21 pm
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This sounds so hard. I agree about finding a few min here and there to connect one on one. Do something you enjoy, do it during the school day if that makes it easier for you for example every monday take a different kid out for breakfast and bring that kid late to school its only once a month per kid. Be creative but definitely pick things that you already enjoy. Something low key no pressure could even be taking a walk if you enjoy that. But only one kid at a time
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ora_43
↓
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Thu, Aug 01 2024, 3:50 am
I'm going to repeat the same advice others already said - but I think it's important to add the "why" on a couple of these.
Spend time one-on-one with kids.
Why? Because it's not your children you don't enjoy. It's parenting you don't enjoy.
There's the relationship with your kids, and then there's the job of parenting them. And obviously these things are very intertwined but at the same time, they're two different things. And the job of parenting is difficult no matter how much you love your kids. It can be repetitive (hard with ADHD), overstimulating (hard with ADHD), and boring (very hard with ADHD).
One on one time, doing something you both enjoy, is a chance to remember that you enjoy your actual child. An important distinction. Plus, it tends to calm both sides down and make life easier for a while.
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