I really don't enjoy my children

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 11:54 am

I am quite ashamed to say this, I never thought this would be me but I really don't enjoy being a mother. I used to love kids, was an amazing babysitter, counselor, teacher, I couldn't wait to be a mother but I really hate it.
I'm also really bad at it.
I enjoy the babies but once they are past 3, they become very challenging and drain me completely. I have ADHD and anxiety, both diagnosed after kids and both of which I'm very on top of managing but my kids literally trigger the worst in me. I have taken a bunch of courses, read book, therapy, I still struggle big time. Some days I manage them better than others but at no point am I enjoying them.
I have 4 children, all are ND, who struggle with executive functioning, emotional regulation, impulsivity, and rigidity to name a few.
Each day feels like survival of the fittest and I can't wait until they all fall asleep. I daven for nachas. I spend my entire morning and evening managing meltdowns and fights and needs.
I hate my life.
I get breaks and I live for those breaks. I don't miss my kids, I feel relief.
When my kids are off to school in the morning, a part of me returns to feeling centered and safe and ok. When kids are off of school, it's so hard for me because I don't get my own space to breathe and be.
Please don't tell me they will grow out of it. Their challenges don't get better, they change into different versions of the same challenges as they get older.
Obviously I am not having any more kids.
I don't want to feel this way forever.
Please do not advise therapy or a course, I've done these many times over. If you have support or advice or perspective or tips....anything you can offer here, I would appreciate.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 12:02 pm

It sounds as if you do care as you are "managing meltdowns and fights and needs." A bad mother would not care or bother, and would neglect all that. You are a good mother.

Your job is hard so of course you feel it to be hard, but you are doing it.

You daven for nachas so you are a religious woman.

Just make sure they eat enough, so they aren't stressed by being hungry. Without knowing how to understand that, communicate about it, or do anything about it. I am sure that is easier said than done, as sitting and filling up is consistent behavior they may not be good at.

Lower the lights as the evening wears on.

Have bright light in the kitchen in the morning. Maybe wide-spectrum bulbs.

Use perfume before bed on yourself.

Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Wed, Jul 31 2024, 12:04 pm; edited 1 time in total

hb2

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 12:02 pm

I do not have advice. I personally do not relate at all.

However, it sounds hellish, what you're going through!! I can't fathom having worked and worked so hard at what seems so easy for others- and not have the desired results. It must feel so damning to not feel you have a way out of this daily struggle. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.

I admire your honesty. You're a few steps ahead, having such a clear grasp of where you stand emotionally.

Sending you compassion. Right now, I am thinking of you. So for just this moment, you are not alone.

I've been struggling with a completely different issue recently and have found the support and compassion from this website has helped in a significant way.

amother

Brown ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 12:05 pm

I am so with you.

The best I've got is to occasionally figure out how to spend one on one time with each kid for half an hour, or more or less depending on the kid and life, doing something they enjoy that isn't destructive. It helps me to appreciate them more, and have a little positivity, even if I don't particularly like what they are interested in. I have learned about Pokemon, watched YouTube shorts on makeup, etc.

But I know this isn't possible a lot. And more often than not, I'm with you. Ever find yourself looking up at the sky and just saying, "What would it be like to have just one kid who needs extra focus at a time? Any chance of that?"

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 12:20 pm

Just to clarify, I'm not expecting nachas as something I am owed. I'm referring to having moments where I think of my children or look at my children and warm fuzzy proud feelings well up inside. Like the type of feelings I have when they are babies. I wish to feel those feelings of nachas at a school play or a Sunday afternoon or at a shabbos table or at some point in the evening. Just a few minutes to enjoy my children.

The one on one idea is a good one. It is much better when there are zero expectations of behavior and just focus on a singular activity with one child. There's still meltdowns and other issues that come up but there isn't fighting and there is nothing I need them to do or not to do.
I should try and find more time for this. I'll need someone to deal with the other kids during that time, not very simple but it is helpful. Thanks for reminding me this.

amother

Kiwi

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 12:28 pm

1:1 time happens best when others are at school. You take each kid out a different day (like one time every week or every other).

Do you have cleaning help at all?

I find when my space is taken care of I have more patience for my children.

Also when it comes to nachas, create your own. Build them up and compliment them on small things (you got dressed by yourself. You held you siblings hand to cross the street. You are so thoughtful. You guys are so lucky to have each other…)

amother

Glitter ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 12:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

I have 4 children, all are ND, who struggle with executive functioning, emotional regulation, impulsivity, and rigidity to name a few.

This is not a sympathy post. You can choose to skip it.
Stop diagnosing your children. Get your act together.
To clarify: as long as you view your children as a burden, you will not enjoy spending time with them. You sound like you make s lot of excuses for yourself. Reframe, stop being a 'victim' , get some guidance and a parenting class and give your children a fair shot in life by appreciating the treasures that they are and giving them the mother they deserve.
Oh, and stop putting labels on them. The only thing they might be is emotionally neglected.

mom37

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 12:54 pm

I’m sorry you’re going through this, unfortunately I can relate. I know you said you didn’t want course recommendations but Shais Taub’s parenting course is more of a spiritual mindset shift towards yourself and your children as opposed to “tips and tricks”. It’s based off of changing yourself through meditation. One of his classes is focused particularly on what you’re struggling with... trying to see your child for their innate inner value (their neshama) vs. their behaviors. When they are babies we can do that much more easily.
It’s not a quick fix but when I’m in this mindset it helps tremendously.

amother

Broom

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 12:55 pm

You're not alone. Kids are hard work.
Maybe you can do little things: smile, sing a silly song, give treats every so often.

I realized that childrens' memories are funny. You can do something amazing for them every day for years and they'll have no memory of it later on. But if you do something amazing a few times, they'll not only remember but they'll think you did it often.
Work less, score more points.

amother

Fuchsia ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 1:13 pm

so I can relate a little in terms of me having bad anxiety and trauma from my childhood,
raising my family, a bit larger than yours. no help from spouse. busy full time with them, and collapse at night. also need my quiet , I get overwhelmed by their presence and non stop talking.

what helps me is thinking that I will bezh raise mentally healthy individuals. it is very hard, draining, I need my alone time, I just get so attuned to them and overstimulated from just constant talking...dont love all this draining unappreciated never ending job of motherhood, I feel like im at some factory in the 3rd world country and my shift just never ends. I need my alone time, but my spouse is not a reliable partner, so I shlep 5 kids on top of my anxiety and problems.

no solution, just virtual hug. I started to increase my caretaking skill recently, making myself my own chesed object and project. decided to increase my simchas chaim by doing whatever I enjoy as much as possible. I m so busy with children, that never have enough time for self care, and everyone around seems put together. so I davka decided to dedicate this month to my self care and enjoyment of life, because otherwise I yell , scream and hate everything.

amother

↑ Fuchsia ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 1:16 pm

amother OP wrote:

also, if you dont feel good feelings towards kids when they , lets say, are in bed-it may be you are a bit depressed? if you dont feel good feelings, bc their behaviors drained you when they were misbehaving, and you r in overstimulated mode, then it makes sense you feel nothing, cause your energy was depleted by them earlier and u need to self soothe. like if they drove you crazy, and you are exhausted, then dont expect to have good feeling while having another feeling at the same time. or sometimes I have one very challenging kid , and I am constantly resentful after a month of her bothering siblings and me, and behaving kuku (she has valid reasons, but still VERY hard). so then its not surprising, if you expect to deal with something you dont want to deal anymore, it is like expecting communication with hard person-you dont feel enjoyment, only aggravation and wanting to get out of this unpleasant feeling. it also sounds like you tried bunch of therapies, I think self validation always works, when u cranky and cant handle it, being your own confidante and adult is a good tool.im practicing it , its not easy, but it actually somehow helps even more than sharing with other people. I think the fact you have anxiety and adhd makes it harder, when you in anxiety mode, it drains you terribly. and adhd also.

amother

↑ Fuchsia ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 1:23 pm

amother Glitter wrote:

I think you are too invalidating and unhelpful. women with adhd is another special cohort and they need extra help in parenting, its not her fault for having adhd. kids trigger all mental health issues, traumas, etc. even regular kids. you are not helpful and all you will cause her is feelings of shame, she wont listen to you in this tone. your communication method is absolutely not effective, I would slip in self defense. so not sure whats the point of attacking someone Smile

be nicer. unles you have some loss , infertility or issues yourself, you are not a friendly and nice poster to the OP, and zero of said above will anyhow help her or her kids. you basically dumped on everyone your negative emotions about her post and didnt give any practical solution. have a great day in a good mood. when people get that reactive, they basically just make others process their feelings, but not anyhow help another person. maybe you yourself dont know how to process emotions and validate and could use some skills? just saying, if this is how you relate to your kids hard feelings, they might not grow neglected, but they also wont be heard. its okay to share hard emotions, she isnt planning on killing them or something.

amother

↑ Glitter

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 1:55 pm

amother Fuchsia wrote:

You are right. My tone was harsh and unhelpful.
My message still stands.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 2:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your life reminds me of being in a batting cage where the balls keep shooting out at you at a quicker pace than you can handle, and only get peace when they stop. I wish things were easier for you. I pray that day will happen and you will have much nachas from all of your kids.

Keep a journal.

Dont feel guilty that you love your breaks and dont miss your kids when they are care for by someone else temporarily.

Believe in yourself and your family.