Is there such a thing as support with no strings attached

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amother

↑ DarkGray ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 9:53 am

Look at the flip side. If someone was giving me 1500 a month I would feel obligated to show my gratitude to them by doing things that made them happy even if I didn't necessarily want to do it.

amother

Blushpink

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 9:54 am

yes.

my in laws are very well off and give us a ton of support - whether actual $$ or gifts or help.. whatever.

there are absolutely NO strings. they NEVER give opinions (although we often ask advice bec I love them and think they are very wise in many areas)

I will agree with a previous poster who said that even though there are no strings, personally, I feel a sense of hakaras hatov and will often try to show that in whatever way I can.
but thats how I was raised. they dont expect any of it.

amother

Crimson ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:02 am

amother Geranium wrote:

OP to answer your question I think it depends on what type of support.

if they give an open credit card, pay for vacations, down payment, and couple thousand dollars a month- then yes there probably will be strings attached

but the average support of 12-15 hundred a month and not much more - I dont think there are strings attached in most cases

There really is no objective difference between the two.

amother

Azure ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:06 am

amother Blushpink wrote:

I think that's beautiful! and completely the right attitude!
and people who say NO strings attached....what does that even mean? it won't affect ANY of your decisions....um, maybe it should? maybe your parents, who are helping you, should be a factor in your decisions? Is it all about take, take, take and you can't for a minute give back to the people who love you and are helping you?
sheesh, people are so scared of being manipulated they completely flip the other way and are scared to C"V change their Shabbos plans for people who sacrifice for them (and incidentally are their parents- we need to honor our parents regardless!)

amother

↑ Crimson

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:07 am

To answer your question op to t is possible but extremely rare as it takes extraordinarily emotionally mature people on all sides for this to be the case

↑ tichellady

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:09 am

amother Brunette wrote:

Even if the supporters are very gracious and don't act with more authority because of their support, the couple receiving the support are naturally going to feel indebted and less willing to "ruffle feathers" with those parents.

So, I don't think it's possible to have support without the dynamic being affected, especially if the support is ongoing.

Don’t most people feel somewhat indebted to their parents for being their parents?

amother

Currant ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:21 am

Is a weekly gut Shabbos phone call concidered strings attached

amother

Leaf

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:22 am

amother Currant wrote:

Is a weekly gut Shabbos phone call concidered strings attached

No it’s a basic mentchlich thing to do!

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:29 am

amother Azure wrote:

No strings means means that no one is trying to control you in exchange for the money/help. The strings are a metaphor for puppet strings, where the puppet is controlled by pulling the strings.

Parents should be respected regardless of financial help. They are not more deserving of help because they give more or less. So no, I don't think money and financial help should affect any decisions.

amother

↑ DarkGray

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:41 am

amother Currant wrote:

Is a weekly gut Shabbos phone call concidered strings attached

That's a normal thing to do.

amother

↑ Geranium ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:49 am

amother Azure wrote:

Your last words in parenthesis do not fit with your first point imo..

ofcourse I would change my shabbos plans for my parent but I wud do the same for my inlaws who dont support us because as you said "and incidentally are their parents- we need to honor our parents regardless!"

but that is not what 'string attached' means! strings attached is when a mother says (or makes you feel this way with out saying) I pay your rent so I get to choose your couch or were paying your tuition so we have a say in where you send your kids for school etc

amother

↑ Geranium

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 10:57 am

amother Chambray wrote:

Has it ever once, just once, affected how you made decisions? For example- they want you to come first days of YT. You were originally going to go to in-laws but your parents are insisting, and you don’t want to upset them or you feel you have to have more hakaras hatov to them

no, them suppoting us has never affected a decision of ours. we show much hakaras hatov and we do listen to their advice/requests but not because theyre supporting us, because theyre my parents and I always want to make them happy when its possible

amother

↑ Chambray

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 11:18 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

That's a normal thing to do.

Even if it’s normal, if it’s being done because a part of you is thinking that they support you then it’s strings

amother

Darkblue

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 11:53 am

amother Amaryllis wrote:

Dh has a trust fund that they legally had to give to him because they made the wrong kind of trust lol.

Anyway, even though they aren't officially supporting us because it was unintentional, they still feel that they can control us. Then again, they try to control all their kids except the one who sued them lol.

Oh my. Sued them for what?

chestnut

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 11:55 am

amother Currant wrote:

Is a weekly gut Shabbos phone call concidered strings attached

Was that a condition for support?

imamommy5

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 12:22 pm

amother Currant wrote:

Is a weekly gut Shabbos phone call concidered strings attached

Depends. My in-laws used to get me gifts randomly. If I didn't call to say thank you the day I received it they'd go crazy. So ungrateful. I was honestly relieved when they stopped. I even hate going for Shabbat because if Im not gushing every second. Oh my goodness you made fish and you bought dips no way you shouldn't have! They get so insulted.

amother

Eggshell

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 1:53 pm

Yes. My friends in laws just offered to fly them from Israel to America to have a baby. Her mil told her "We will pay for her tickets and you won't be obligate to stay by us at all- you can go to your parents the whole time if it will make you more comfortable."
They haven't decided whether to take them up on the offer but my friend said if they do they'll stay by her in laws until the baby is born and then switch to her parents:)

amother

Lightblue

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 2:28 pm

Yes. My parents have given us varying levels of support over the years - very generously. They really do not make demands at all. Of course they would like us to visit sometimes, which we do, but they never tell us when, how long, anything.

But I do think it's less common.

amother

Stonewash

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 3:55 pm

I supported 4 children through the first years of marriage (3-5 years) together with my machatonim. Neither of us gave with any strings attached. I don't think we are unusual.

amother

↑ Currant

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 5:38 pm

chestnut wrote:

Was that a condition for support?

Nope
I’m the one always bailing them out financially.
They only call when they need something.
I would think at least call 1x a week just to say Gut Shabbos

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