Is there such a thing as support with no strings attached

amother

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 1:33 am

Is there such a thing as parents or in laws helping out with financial support with no strings attached?

amother

Indigo

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 1:50 am

Yes. My parents helped us through a very rough patch with no strings attached, no judgement.

effess

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 1:52 am

Yes
It takes very big person to give and expect nothing in return. Even if the return is a positive things.

amother

Tuberose

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 1:58 am

My in laws helped us with a down payment and I never felt like it came with any kind of expectations.

notshanarishona

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 3:44 am

Yes but uncommon. Normally when someone gives you $ they feel the right to comment on your lifestyle, how you spend it, etc .

amother

Dimgray

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 3:48 am

amother Tuberose wrote:

My in laws helped us with a down payment and I never felt like it came with any kind of expectations.

We helped our kids with a down payment - attached string is that they pay the mortgage - does that count as strings attached?

amother

Amaryllis

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 3:57 am

Dh has a trust fund that they legally had to give to him because they made the wrong kind of trust lol.

Anyway, even though they aren't officially supporting us because it was unintentional, they still feel that they can control us. Then again, they try to control all their kids except the one who sued them lol.

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 4:36 am

amother OP wrote:

Is there such a thing as parents or in laws helping out with financial support with no strings attached?

I mean they can attach strings but I was not buying it. In the end if the parents get manipulative, they will lose out.

amother

Aster

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 6:26 am

MIL gifted each of her kids the downpayment, zero expectations. She's only ever seen our house twice in the 5 years since we bought it, and one of dh's siblings she hasn't seen the house at all yet (not for lack of inviting, she just prefers people coming to her than going to them. I don't count that as a string because that was always true and visiting your MIL regularly is just basic and shouldn't be dependent on what she does for you).

amother

NeonPurple

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 6:35 am

amother Dimgray wrote:

We helped our kids with a down payment - attached string is that they pay the mortgage - does that count as strings attached?

Not really. If they don't say the mortgage they lose the house.

amother

Brunette

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 6:37 am

Even if the supporters are very gracious and don't act with more authority because of their support, the couple receiving the support are naturally going to feel indebted and less willing to "ruffle feathers" with those parents.

So, I don't think it's possible to have support without the dynamic being affected, especially if the support is ongoing.

amother

Cognac

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 6:38 am

amother Amaryllis wrote:

This sounds so interesting. Mind to share more?

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 9:34 am

amother Brunette wrote:

Not at all. if there are no strings, there are NO strings.
Sorry if this was your experience, but it is definitely not this way across the board.

amother

DarkGray ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 9:38 am

I don't think there is such a thing. And I kind of understand it. There is no such thing as free money. So if someone is giving you a large sum of money on a constant basis there probably will be some expectations. And that's up to the receiver to decide if it's worth it for them to take it.

amother

Geranium ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 9:40 am

amother Brunette wrote:

disagree. my parents are paying our rent and I dont feel like the dynamic is affected. my parents do bud in to our lives but they do that to all their kids supported or not lol

amother

↑ Geranium ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 9:44 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

but support from parents is not just random someone giving you free money.. its parents supporting their children.. as I said above my parents do mix in to our lives more than I would like but has nothing to do with support. they feel like they have a say in their childrens lives and they do it to my brothers too that they dont support at all

amother

↑ Geranium ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 9:50 am

OP to answer your question I think it depends on what type of support.

if they give an open credit card, pay for vacations, down payment, and couple thousand dollars a month- then yes there probably will be strings attached

but the average support of 12-15 hundred a month and not much more - I dont think there are strings attached in most cases

amother

↑ Chambray ↓

Wed, Jul 31 2024, 9:51 am

amother Geranium wrote:

disagree. my parents are paying our rent and I dont feel like the dynamic is affected. my parents do bud in to our lives but they do that to all their kids supported or not lol

Has it ever once, just once, affected how you made decisions? For example- they want you to come first days of YT. You were originally going to go to in-laws but your parents are insisting, and you don’t want to upset them or you feel you have to have more hakaras hatov to them