My daughter makes up stories!

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 1:54 am

My Dd is 12 years old. She has always been uncomplicated real good kid. Easy-going and we'll liked. Was usually good about helping and I gave her lots of love and attention. Never ever took advantage of her and made sure to acknowledge her good middos. She still hasn't mastered the concept of making a good friend yet and it really bothers me alot. Here and there she blurted out that she's being bullied, but I verified her with her teachers a few times, and they all said shes very well liked. She has girls calling her all the time and trying to initiate a friendship but seems like she doesn't know how to reciprocate.
I went upstate for the summer in a bungalow colony with lots of girls her age. Right away, she told me the girls are nasty to her, but when I asked for details, she didn't have anything substantial to say. And then a new trend developed: she started making up story after story. She told the girls that she has no friends in school, she's been bullied in school, and she was even hospitalized for 7 months due to the bullying!!! She told them she composed a song about bullying. She told the girls she has a mean mother that hits her until she bleeds etc.. crazy crazy stuff with 0 truth. One of the girls mother came to repeat it to me cuz she wanted me to be aware of what my daughter is saying. Needless to say I'm heartbroken by what she's doing. Shes embarrassing herself and her family. She's obviously looking for attention and thinks she'll get it this way. At first, I tried explaining how foolish this is, and how it will only make it harder for her to have friends, but then she did it again, and out of sooo much frustration and anger of the embarrassment she's causing me, I gave it into her ! I gave her such a huge yelling, although I know it's prob not the right thing, but I'm human after all and I was shaking from anger.

I don't know who to turn to for advice! I wanna help her and stop this behavior immediately. I wanna help her forge healthy relationships but I don't know how to go about it. I wish I can talk to someone that has experience in this, like a parenting expert or something like that, but don't know who to turn to.
Any advice is appreciated!

Chayalle ↓

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 10:44 am

I don't know why people are jumping to psychiatry here. I don't know if that's necessary. But a therapist is a very good move. At that age, most therapists will offer parenting sessions every few times, to guide you into understanding and helping your daughter.

Based on what you describe, OP, it sounds like you want to look for a therapist trained in social skills training. It sounds like your daughter is seeking attention due to lacking a healthy social life, so you want a therapist that can help her develop these skills so she can make friends in a healthier way. Additionally, you want to work on your relationship with her (the fact that she's directing negativity your way indicates some sort of break in that connection) and you want a therapist who can guide you in this.

Practically speaking, I'm not sure you will find someone upstate in the bungalow colony, but you want to look for someone and set things up for as soon as you get back. If you mention where you live, people might be able to refer you to someone suitable. Otherwise, a place to start might be with her pediatrician, or with a local referral place (like Relief).

amother

Peony

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 10:45 am

amother OP wrote:

Why do I need therapy????

Saying you need therapy is not the same as saying there’s something wrong with you. From your reaction and all the question marks it looks like you found the suggestion insulting or upsetting. Saying you need therapy isn’t the same as saying you have a defect or a problem and you need to go have it fixed. A therapist can help you deal with your emotions and with your child’s behavior and her emotions. A therapist can help you pay attention and notice things in yourself and in your daughter that you might not see, or she can help you see them in a different light. She can give you tools to deal with situations that you want help with. Your daughter definitely needs help but as her mother you can use help too. The situation sounds hard and challenging and you shouldn’t have to deal with it alone.

amother

Olive ↓

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 11:25 am

Definitely a therapist. And I would have her screened for high functioning autism. It tends to hide in girls, and often shows up right around your dd's age and stage. And for anxiety, which is likely there.

The story thing is a component that can happen that doesn't get talked about. She isn't trying to get attention the way you're thinking about it. She is describing a reality that is real to her in the sense that the circumstances she describes match the intensity of what she is feeling. How actually real those circumstances are to her when she is saying them is unclear- afterwards, when she is calmer, she will know that what she said isn't true. But she will feel so bad about herself for having said them that she will either turn on herself internally or figure out how to convince herself that somehow it is true.

Your dd may or may not be getting bullied. Girls this age may be nice to her but still not really include her. She may be missing cues and not understanding invitations to be invitations because they aren't outright, and the girls either assume she's not interested or feel snubbed. There is a lot of literature and education about bullying out there for everyone including teens to read, and she may attach that word to any regular negative feelings she gets from the girls, even if it's simply that she feels she doesn't belong. And again, they may actually be being subtly negative to her. Can you talk to a parent you trust in her class to see if she has noticed anything, or what her dd says about yours?

Not easy. I'm sorry.

amother

↑ Olive

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 11:29 am

One more thing that might help.

Is your dd creative? Stories can happen like this with that type. But even if not....

Can you make a time with dd to regularly sit down with her and write a story? Either she writes and you support, or you take turns and do it collaboratively. This should not be presented as therapy, or as there being a problem. More of a nice, fun activity for mother and daughter. She can then write out all her ideas in a fiction setting (or she may even say it happened to someone she knows), and is heard. You can print it out, decorate it, bind it, whatever. Illustrate too, if she is so inclined. It makes a difference.

CatLady

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 11:57 am

I would seek help from your pediatrician, but in the meantime, I second Olive's idea of having your daughter turn her stories into fiction. She might have a genuine talent, which should be encouraged. The not-so-subtle message is that she understands the difference between fiction and reality and channels her idea into something that might be of interest to others. If she self-publishes her writing on Amazon, having cred as a published author might boost her social standing.

amother

↑ OP

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 1:32 pm

amother Olive wrote:

I kind of regret posting my question here... For goodness sake, high functioning autisim? Encephalitis? Taking her to a psychiatrist? I feel like u ppl literally jumped to worst possible scenario! She's a great girl, always did well in school, get along beautifully with all neighbors and siblings. Never ever had any issues with her bh bh! I always get compliments on her maturity and charisma. She's really a lovely girl. She just has this one issue that I feel like is coming from a lack of self esteem and complex issues and she's looking to get attention in a negative way. I believe she's forging a real friendship Bec she's complexed that nobody really wants to be her friend. That's the part I feel like needs to get addressed. She bh needs no psychiatrist or blood work done. Not sure why this place always runs to the most negative thing. Kids can have minor issues and just with the right tools, can be helped iyh. That's all that I'm looking for.

mushkamothers

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 1:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

You posted on the Internet. People will reply from their own experiences which will be very vast and varied. That's the point of posting on the internet - to receive a range of responses. If you wanted a singular opinion then you could have asked one singular person.

amother

↑ Jetblack

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 2:05 pm

amother OP wrote:

Take what's helpful and leave the rest. Sounds like a great plan! She's young and very malleable.

It would be helpful to be open to working with the therapist to reinforce whatever she is trying to teach her so you can reinforce that at home.

amother

↑ Blonde

Tue, Jul 30 2024, 2:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

Let's just say she convince one person that what she says about her mother is true, they can call CPS and it can spiral out of control. Yes she may just need a couple of sessions with a therapist to see why she's doing this and to learn the difference between reality and fiction. But it can be something deeper. I personally know a girl who made up similar stories until she believed them herself and cause untold anguish to her family. The bottom line as that this behavior isn't normal even if she's mature and charismatic - actually her charisma and be a negative in this situation because people may believe her more easily. Definitely don't ignore.