Am I the mean mother (Spin off thread)

mha3484 ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:18 pm

I deleted a comment from the girls coming back from camp thread but I wanted to ask here. I don't know if its a generational thing I am 40 or a personality aka I am the mean mommy. But I have a 13 turning 14 year old son. Also an almost 10 year old so a preteen and some younger kids.

Most of what the OP from that thread doesnt miss is stuff that is a hard no in my house all year. Talking on the phone at 1am, telling me what to wear, the expectations. I am not the maid, the uber, a restaurant where you can send your food back. As my father loved to tell me growing up my house is not a hotel and I am not the maid.

Am I mean? Old? Normal? Anyone relate? I think this could be a really interesting discussion.

↑ lostmyoldSN ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:28 pm

amother Violet wrote:

Girl bashing makes for poor mothering.

Who is girl bashing? I never bashed girls. I just said OP can't relate because she doesn't have teenaged girls. Apples and oranges to compare teenaged boys and girls.

↑ mha3484 ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:29 pm

I'm not bashing. I am really just curious. I have girls too just young ones. I just cant relate to letting my kids tell me what to do and do things that disturb the rest of the family. Telling my mother what to wear would never have occurred to me. Talking on the phone at 1am would have gotten the phone taken away. Maybe we were just parented differently in the 80s.

Last edited by mha3484 on Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:30 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Daylily

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:29 pm

I have a ds 19 dd 17 and dd15. You are 100% right in saying that these things are not normal.

Neither my son or daughters would comment on my clothes, or send back the food. If they don't like,it there is always breakfast food or something else they can pull together.

I've seen 50 year old ladies being told what to do by their 15 year old children, it's terrible and imo chutzpahdic.

Everyone in my house helps out either with shopping, cleaning or cooking.

amother

Cantaloupe ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:31 pm

I have teen girls I don’t have any of that either. We are a family not a lair taken over by hormonal teens. We have rules and boundaries. My kids have plenty of room for freedom and expressing themselves. But they don’t infringe on the peace or living of anyone else.

Today’s generation is more of a my kid is my best friend how can I say no they will stop being my best friend attitude. And it leads to homes like that. I find it sad.

↑ lostmyoldSN

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:31 pm

mha3484 wrote:

.

Because your boys don't care about those things like what you wear.

You can't relate. That's all.

↑ mha3484 ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:34 pm

But if my girls care too bad. They are kids. I am the adult. I don't need their approval. And they would get a mouthful from me. I am not looking to be their friend. Have 6 kids and a stomach and then you can comment on what I wear. Until then sorry.

The comments above make me feel better lol that I am not the only one who doesnt get it. Thank you all.

amother

Thistle ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:40 pm

This thread reminds me of time one of my limudei kodesh teachers in high school told my class (abt 25 years ago) that when she first started teaching in that B.Y. (which was probably 20 years earlier, so this means at least 45 years ago), one discussion at a faculty meeting was about the need to have an informal PTA type meeting with mothers to discuss the need for mothers to dress a bit better because so many girls had confided they were embarrassed of and felt bad about the way their mothers dressed. So this is hardly something new. I think each generation forgets how they were as teens, lol.

amother

↑ Coral

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:43 pm

amother Thistle wrote:

O wow! We went to very different highschools ... We were taught its assur to look pretty. On another not I am careful to always wear a nice wig and trendy dress when I'm out with my girls\visiting school. I see other moms showing up in tichel, no makeup, night glasses, outdated clothing and I do feel sorry for those girls.

↑ mha3484 ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:50 pm

I think the clothing topic especially needs boundaries because sorry a 15 year old girl doesnt understand that after having kids your body changes. What fits on a size 0 15 year old body is not the same as 40 year old who had 6 kids. There are a lot of layers to dress and appearance that I don't think a teen can understand. I would especially tell my girls I am sorry this is not a conversation I am interested in having with you.

amother

Oxfordblue

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 1:50 pm

My daughter is a doll. Bh top middos and learns hilchos kibud of veim book and takes it too seriously. If she is burning with fever she wouldn’t say no to anything I ask her to do.

That being said I enjoy her being in summer camp. even convinced her to stay a full summer partly for my sake.

I feel I need to be a built in emotional support/therapist. I need to show concern and affection for her throughout the day and in the summer when she’s around a lot and that’s hard for me.

amother

↑ Thistle ↓

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 2:02 pm

mha3484 wrote:

In the time that this teacher was referring to, in the oot B.Y., some of the girls were rather shaky in their frumkeit. Being embarrassed of their very religious mothers and associating dowdiness/looking shlumpy with being a frum mother, especially at the height of women's lib having reached the frum world, actually was a threat that the B.Y. admin took seriously.
Of course you can't expect a 15 year old girl to be thinking about body changes. It's logic vs emotion, and in the teen years, emotions of embarrassment and self consciousness always wins out.
BTW, the girls didn't speak up to their mothers...they confided in teachers they respected (who dressed differently then their mothers, presumably), this was why the faculty really was concerned and wanted to have a respectful discussion with the mothers.

amother

Bluebonnet

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 2:03 pm

amother Coral wrote:

Sorry I got stuck on that sentence, what?!

amother

Lightcoral

Fri, Jul 26 2024, 2:11 pm

My teens- I hv a 16 yo dd & 14 & 13 yo ds.
Yes, my kids can be messy (they try to clean up after themselves but no1 does it like me) but noone comments on my clothes, demands I drive or makes a racket at night.
Noone sends back food.