My son needs endless hugs

amother

Orchid

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 10:23 pm

a really smart person once told me this tip and it helped me so much.

when your child comes for a hug, give it to them and DO NOT pull away. wait for them to pull away and it will fill them up and they won't need it as often.
it's hard but so worth it. I hope you try it and I hope you find it helps you the way it helped me and my child.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jul 24 2024, 10:57 pm

Thanks everyone. I used to be better about hugging until he lets go but he’s gotten so BIG I find it much harder to be honest. I like the idea of cuddle therapy. Yea this kid is a huge cuddler too. He’s nine but is showing no signs of wanting to stop cuddling with me.
I will work on myself to be more free again with giving the hugs until he’s ready to stop
And yes I do sometimes say no although I do feel bad and really want to help him get what he needs.

ora_43

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 3:18 am

Don't feel guilty. Being able to self-soothe is an important skill. When you hug him, you're meeting his sensory/emotional needs directly, but when you can't, you're still helping him - you're helping him gradually learn to cope on his own.

Find times to give him cuddles and nice long hugs, but don't feel bad telling him that it's not a good time other times. Help him find other ways to get his sensory needs met (there were good ideas here, I second weighted blankets, huge stuffed animals).

One other thought is that sometimes for kids like this less direct touch also works. Like, sitting curled up against you while you both read or watch TV or whatever. This gives extended contact without needing to stop everything and devote 100% of your energy to it.

FWIW I disagree with people saying adhd, anxiety, autism, etc. I mean - maybe? But some kids are just really into hugging. And sensory stuff can exist independent of a disorder. I wouldn't rush out to spend thousands trying to figure out why exactly your kid likes hugs so much unless/until this starts to interfere with his ability to lead a normal life.

amother

Calendula

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 8:04 am

Perhaps look up some ideas for "heavy work" activities that he can do on his own when he feels the need. Not that he won't need hugs, but if his proprioceptive needs are met in other ways he will need less

↑ crust

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 8:06 am

amother Calendula wrote:

This is very true.

amother

Peachpuff

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 8:24 am

Do you ever initiate the hug. This is so important if there is an emotional aspect. Initiate at least once a day then its ok to say no sometimes. Try it u may see he needs it a lot less

↑ behappy2 ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 8:30 am

amother OP wrote:

Why is it harder to hug him now that he's bigger? Do you have an expectation that older kids shouldn't need as much affection?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 9:18 am

amother Calendula wrote:

Thank you so much. Yes I’m very familiar with this concept. Hes not the easiest in this regard. He’s more low tone and tires easily. He has zero interest in proproceptive activities lol.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 9:22 am

behappy2 wrote:

Why is it harder to hug him now that he's bigger? Do you have an expectation that older kids shouldn't need as much affection?

No of course not. But come on. I have older sons and naturally as they get older the affection changes. It’s different how you hug and squish an and cuddle your five year old and your 11 year old. I am totally physically affectionate with my older kids but it does usually evolve

↑ behappy2 ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 11:24 am

amother OP wrote:

I understand. Generally kids want less cuddles as they get older. It's normal to feel uncomfortable because it's the normal process of detachment. It's just important to recognize where your resistance is coming from. I work on myself to hug and cuddle my kids when it's out of my comfort zone and try to focus on meeting the child where they are at, but with limits. Like I said before, a few times a day. It's normal to feel uncomfortable AND to hug him at the same time.

amother

Plum

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 11:36 am

I didn't read all the answers but this is my son exactly (and also his father!!).

Here's what we have found helps:
I try to give the hugs when I can.
Weighted blanket.
Body sock or something that's the same idea (he actually creates it himself by going under the couch cover)
Giving him heavy things to carry (backpack, groceries)
Swimming lessons (this is the most helpful of all options)
He loves tight hats (like winter hats, fitted bandanas, he'll often put them on himself to calm down in bed.

Haven't tried it yet, but I bought him weights like the kind that go around your arms and legs for aerobics (oh and I also bought him a pilates band).

amother

↑ OP ↓

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 1:22 pm

amother Plum wrote:

I’m going to try a compression sheet for his bed. I can’t see him agreeing to a weighted vest. Def not out of the house hes very socially aware

mushkamothers

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’m going to try a compression sheet for his bed. I can’t see him agreeing to a weighted vest. Def not out of the house hes very socially aware

Im pretty sure I've once seen a line of products made for autism that looks like regular clothing but feels tighter. Like sportswear I guess, which might work too

↑ behappy2

Thu, Jul 25 2024, 10:49 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

Im pretty sure I've once seen a line of products made for autism that looks like regular clothing but feels tighter. Like sportswear I guess, which might work too

You can get an undershirt, maybe also t shirts from fun n function