DD | Imamother

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 3:37 am

I hate to say it but it sounds very like my sister-in-law and her marriage and relationship with her children and family has not ended well.

Therapy is essential but if a person thinks they are fine and everyone else is wrong then sadly I don't know what the answer is.

You can daven, speak to your rov, perhaps speak to a therapist yourself.

Hatzlocha

amother

Honeydew ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 4:13 am

Personality disorder?
Or unresolved trauma?
In any case she doesn't sound ready for marriage.
Would she go to a DBT group?
Hatzlacha! Sorry, you're going thru that!

amother

Pink ↓

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 4:39 am

OP, did you ever sit DD down and have an honest conversation? Where you apologize for not showing enough love and explaining how very much you do love her? And tell her how proud of her you are because ofnX,Y, and Z.? These conversations are necessary to rebuild your bond.

amother

↑ Honeydew

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 4:43 am

amother OP wrote:

Thank you.
The first thing I need to do is to communicate to her that what's going on, is not ok. And this is what I cannot do. Because: zero tolerance to the slichtest critisism. She is sure she is fine and I actually do not blame her, because we are the only ones who see sth is off. For every one else she is the model girl, all sterling middos and extremely mature. So, if everyoneelse is saying this about her, and only her parennts are saying sth different, then it's obviously the parents fault.I cannot blame her. I, an adult was myself caught in this trap...

Can you try a weekly date with your daughter?
Talk to her, tell her that you would like to get closer, would she be OK with that? One of one, do something fun. Ice cream, bowling...
After a few months of doing that, she might be more open to discussing real issues.
Patience, it's a slow process!
(It's hard to believe that she can be 100% perfect out if the house for extended periods of time and so moody at home...)

amother

Nemesia

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 4:58 am

I think you should ask her if she wants to join you in family therapy. Put it on yourself . Talk about your regrets and the things you wish you had done differently. Tell her you want to repair your relationship and the best way would be to have a mediator. If your successful this will help her in all future relationships. Also it gives her a way in with saving face she doesn’t have the relationship with you to be vulnerable.

Eta: this can be done over zoom if she is not home

amother

Daffodil

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 4:59 am

It sounds like a trauma response to something. Not sure you can force her into therapy. She’s too old to control and force to do anything. You can tell her that you think therapy is a good idea, but you can’t really do much more than that.

amother

Yarrow

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 5:02 am

amother OP wrote:

It try to weave this into our regular converstions once in a while. It is not well accepted.She is not someone whou woulsd sit and have an open conversation ( we once did, but it was initiated by her, after a major fight; She wouldn't get seated and talked to). But I have to try it again, I guess. No criticism, just apologies, love and acceptance...it's hard.
Thank you.

You need a therapist for yourself, someone who helps parents deal with troubled young adults.

amother

↑ Pink

Mon, Jul 22 2024, 8:40 am

OP, this is not a 2 way conversation where you may get into a heated argument. No. You are sitting her down and straight up apologizing and explaining how much you love her and feel sorry for not showing it. That is it! If she is mad, you let her be mad and acknowledge her feelings. She likely has real trauma from her upbringing and you need to take responsibility.