If you don't sleep train, what do you do?

amother

↑ Birch ↓

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 2:35 am

HeartyAppetite wrote:

The sleep training actually starts from the morning when the baby wakes up. You need to establish a good feeding and nap routine. Then we started with a night routine and put the baby in her own crib and room. The 3 minute method is basically we decided on a 4 hour stretch and when she woke up after an hour instead of picking her up and nursing her I let her cry for 3 minutes. Then I in and gave her pacifier and calmed her down by patting, not picking her up and left the room. Let her cry 3 minutes again and do it again. She calmed down pretty easy. And I did it every hour till it was time for her feeding…. I was consistent for 3 days and the third day she did a four hour stretch…like I had trained her.. after a week I pushed it to a 6 hour stretch. And after a while she was doing even longer stretches on her own.
But again, it starts with the feeding and napping schedule first. The longer stretches they can do during the day between feedings the longer stretches they can do at night.

You let her cry during the day to get until 4 hours? Thats wrong and unfair to baby. You should be feeding baby whenever they are hungry.
Stretching feedings until every 4 hours is outdated and harmful to baby.

amother

↑ Birch ↓

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 2:38 am

“The longer stretches they can do during the day between feedings the longer stretches they can do at night.”

This is terribly sad and unfair to baby to have long stretches during the day and at night.
This although well intentioned is harmful and neglectful. Dont follow this approach.

amother

↑ Birch ↓

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 2:39 am

cosa wrote:

My 5th didn't sleep thru the night until about 14m old. Yes I went crazy. Yes I slept with him in my bed many nights (didn't mean to but I was SO tired).

When he was 14m I decided to put him in his crib (he had been in Co sleeper next to my bed) and let him cry it out (controversial I know). I thought he was developed enough to understand it's night time now and Mommy needs to sleep and he needs to sleep. I told him this before I put him to bed and kissed him goodnight. He cried for about 30 min the first night. At one point I went in and spoke to him, calmed him and kissed him goodnight again. The second night I think he cried maybe 5 min. Then after that he was sleeping thru.

He's still not a great sleeper and will wake up during the night a few times a week but usually he'll to back to sleep after a few min of crying. If he's crying for more then 15 min I'll take him out cuddle him and put him back, that's usually fine. I stopped nursing him during the day around 18m but at night I stopped around the time I put him in his crib for the night.

If I could go back in time I would have sleep trained him when he was younger, without the crying. I just am not good at sleep training so I wait till they are older and let them cry. I've done this with 3/5 of my kids (2 were bh good sleepers) and I do not allow them to get hysterical. I know crying it out is not everyone's cup of tea but at a certain point a mother needs their sanity.

Sorry I don't have any practical advice right now for you except that 99% of babies eventually will sleep!

15 minutes is eternity for a baby. Thats a really long time to allow them to cry.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 5:40 am

OP my version of gentle sleep training was to stay in the room, sitting right next to the crib and talking to baby while they cried. It was still hard, but didn't feel cruel. the first night I sat there a longg time, repeating over and over that I'm right here, it's sleeping time now, etc. I would also give him back his paci or rub his back, just not pick him up. Eventually he calmed down and I left. The next night (or maybe day after?) tried to do it with just being there, no touching him. Decreasing the amount of interaction night by night. After a few nights he was going to sleep on his own after our bedtime routine and me just putting him down in his crib.

This decreased the amount of times he cried for me in the night because he knew how to put himself back to sleep. Continued to wake for 1 night feeding for a bit longer, but I'm pretty sure he then dropped that on his own. I did this around 6-7 months.

imaima

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 6:47 am

amother OP wrote:

Because I am really and truly losing it. I have a 7mo who wakes up every 2 hours all night long needing to be nursed/rocked/held back to sleep. She is healthy and gaining well and no reflux or anything like that. She slept really well as a newborn but then the 4 month sleep regression hit and it went downhill and stayed there.

I don't want to sleep train. But I don't know what to DO. I'm not functioning at all. I have no energy during the day, my house is a wreck and I can't focus at work. My nerves are always on edge and I'm overreacting to things a lot. I haven't exercised since I had her. I've been together with my husband 4 times in the last 7 months.

I know there are many ladies here who don't sleep train. So tell me please: what do you do? Because I just don't get how anyone can do this long term. I want a big family but how many years of my life can I spend in this state?

And please don't say cosleeping, I'm never going to be comfortable with the risks of that, not to mention the deeper you dive into cosleeping spaces online the more you hear about babies who still wake up all night even cosleeping.

The so-called gentle methods don't seem all that gentle to me. Sit next to the crib but don't make eye contact or talk to the baby? Isn't it worse if they see Mommy's right there but ignoring them? And nursing just until they calm down then popping them off, or holding them till they stop crying then putting them back down, seem like a cruel tease.

Idk. I hate it all. And also I don't know how to continue this way 😫😫

If you didn’t start healthy sleep habits from birth, everything you do now will be called „sleep training“ whether or not it involves CIO.

amother

Nasturtium ↓

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 7:59 am

I tried all the gentle ways but I found my baby was hysterical if I was in the room he thought if cry loud enough I would pick up him up I couldnt do it. Eventually I got to a point where I do a whole bedtime routine sing etc lay baby in crib then walk out the door. In the beginning he would cry a bit (I would not let him cry more than 5 min) go in calm baby and walk out. Really he never cried much cause when I was not in the room he was much quicker to calm himself down. I personally found this to be the gentlest approach. Me not sleeping just could not be sustained it couldnt go on like that. Plus now that he gets a good night sleep hes much happier during the day.

↑ cosa ↓

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 9:38 am

amother Birch wrote:

15 minutes is eternity for a baby. Thats a really long time to allow them to cry.

To me there's a difference between inconsolable screaming and just crying, for a toddler/older baby. If he wakes up screaming I immediately go in.

But everyone will have their own opinions and strategies!

amother

Cantaloupe

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 12:35 pm

Warning, politically incorrect advice ahead:
I did crying it out with multiple children, going in to reassure at intervals, but at 9 months (when I was sure that they could sleep through the night without eating).
Never lasted more than 4 nights, usually less.
Baby cries for ~30 min, less the next night, etc.
Mommy is well rested, baby is well rested. Whole house is relieved and happy.

amother

↑ Birch ↓

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 1:05 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

Please don’t do this OP. CIO is really not recommended anymore.

amother

↑ OP

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 1:37 pm

OP here.

Thank you for all the suggestions, everyone. I'm reading them all and they're helping me start to form an idea of how I could go about this.

Amother Birch, I appreciate you trying to help, but it makes me sad that on a thread I started, there are so many comments aimed at making other moms feel guilty. It's upsetting me that people who were just trying to help me got called out by you for how they handled this extremely difficult issue. We are all adults and can use our motherly intuition to decide what's best for our families. I'm asking you to please delete your replies to other posters. If not, I'm going to report some of the more hurtfully phrased ones and ask the mods to delete.

amother

Banana

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 1:40 pm

HeartyAppetite wrote:

I was in the same boat as you… my baby was waking up every hour. I ended up calling a sleep trainer and she uses a method where you let the baby cry 3 minutes, that’s all… and by day 3 she was doing longer stretches. I was shocked by how easy it was!

can you please explain more

amother

Plum

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 1:47 pm

amother Birch wrote:

Yes.
You should be feeding baby whenever they are hungry. Not stretching feedings.

Sometimes, babies get into a bad habit just like people! If a baby's been eating food already there's no reason why they should not be able to stretch their nursing a little longer especially if they're gaining weight.

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 2:42 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

I do similar to this as well, but every time baby is sick / teething its back to square one... No easy answers...

amother

↑ Birch ↓

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 8:37 pm

It’s so important for moms to be aware and understand the pitfalls of stretching feeds to 4 hours.
There is so much research that supports demand feeding and that’s universally the gold standard of feeding. Demand feeding is to feed baby when they are hungry, obviously with the understanding that you don’t want to go past 2-3 hours during the day.

There is so much misinformation about this and young and loving and caring moms are mistakenly making poor choices because they don’t know better.

We all gain from greater awareness and information. It’s incumbent on us all to spread awareness just as you were spreading information about the dangers of co sleeping.

There is so much damage done by CIO as well.
Helping moms understand that is helping them and their babies.
Good luck, op.

amother

↑ Birch ↓

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 8:41 pm

amother Plum wrote:

This is incorrect. You are always supposed to feed baby when they are hungry.

There is nothing to be gained by stretching
out feedings. It’s harmful to baby, and is a very outdated way of feeding.

Babies nurse for comfort, thirst and hunger. There are so many gains to baby when they fed when they wish. Do you research.

amother

Tomato ↓

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 9:00 pm

I sleep trained at 7 months too. Sleep training isn’t easy emotionally for anyone, but it was my best option, and it went way easier than I expected. Firstly, establishing a good daytime schedule is super important, as well as a consistent nighttime routine. First night baby cried for 3 minutes after I put him down, I went in calmed him down and went back out. Whimpered on and off for 4 more minutes and was fast asleep. Similar story whenever he woke up that night. By night 3 he went to sleep by himself without crying for a second, and by the end of the week he slept through the night every night. Once he was sleeping better (and I was sleeping better) he became a happier, easier kid all around. He is in no way traumatized. Yes, there are still sleep regressions every so often, but going through them with an already great sleeper is by far easier. I was very uncertain about the whole thing before I did it, but at VERY for it now and recommend to anyone who is struggling.