BT meshugas? | Imamother

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Jul 14 2024, 6:47 pm

I dont like Barbies because I think they promote negative body image and unrealistic standards. I'm a bt but even if I hadn't become frum, I wouldn't have barbies for that reason. If my girls got barbie as a gift, I wouldn't take them away, but I wouldn't purchase either. Same with Disney stuff- but my girls do have princess dress up and characters on underwear etc

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Jul 14 2024, 7:59 pm

I do not buy anything with characters. If kids get gifts its more tricky. If possible I let them play with it until they're bored of it, get them something new and similar to distract them and put it away without them realizing it...
If its s/t they really love I'd prob look away...
If its family members who have a respectful relationship def bring it up sensitively (at a diff time. Obviously when they give the gift give a big thank you. B4 the next birthday or visit bring it up without making a huge deal...)
If not an easy & respectful relationship -get personal advice as it will keep coming up in many diff ways...

amother

Peach

Sun, Jul 14 2024, 8:13 pm

I am not BT and I never bought charachter toys. We also did not have Barbie dolls because it was very hard to find tznius clothing for the doll.
If there was a character on a toy I tried not to call it by it's name.
Generally tried to keep my kids away from secular culture entertainment.
We have so much beautiful jewish entertainment available today, I don't think my kids felt deprived.
You are not crazy. But no need to make a big deal out of it at this age.

amother

Copper

Sun, Jul 14 2024, 8:22 pm

Satmar chassidish here
We have characters like paw patrol, pj masks etc.
when my kids were little I had no issue with princesses. As I have older boys now I don’t think it’s appropriate for them.
I let my 2.5 year old watch cocomelon and paw patrol like I did when my older ones were toddlers, but with the older ones it’s toveedo only.
My kids are being educated in a very sheltered environment and there’s no reason for me to think that if they play with paw patrol or have Spider-Man underwear they will want to somehow be a part of secular culture.

Anonymiss 1

Sun, Jul 14 2024, 8:46 pm

amother Yarrow wrote:

Ok. My husband and I are BTs and we definitely have the same fear so I completely understand you. We’ve been talking about this since our first date. Regarding non Jewish characters - I’ve learned to just go with the flow when they’re really little I.e they’ll also get something Disney from my parents and I’ll say oh wow what a pretty princess or cute monkey etc when they got older and found out the name somehow or even ask me to watch the show I would just say hmm that’s non jewish , we don’t watch that. My kids are still pretty young but they already know and say “ich that’s non jewish” or “she’s not tznius”. We try our best. Hatzlacha.

I find this so offensive! That’s pretty judgmental. And the “ich”!?! I grew up frum oot, not Yeshivish, and this attitude is shocking to me.

amother

RosePink

Sun, Jul 14 2024, 9:39 pm

Long time BT. Very likely that kids in your community (who will be your DD’s classmates) are going to have characters and will be exposed over the years to things you would rather not allow. In general, my approach has been to allow as much as possible- especially if the child is going to be exposed to it anyway from grandparents, cousins, less religious classmates/ neighbors… The main thing is that your child should feel normal and that being frum is not a burden.
My oldest DD learned all the characters from her classmates. Some kids had it- some didn’t. All her grandparents and cousins have TVs. We allowed some limited watching (Toveedo, as mentioned above, is great for this) and a few educational computer games at home so that they wouldn’t be glued to the screens in other houses.
I’m not a fan of Barbie for body image and tznius- one DD got one as a gift, but lost interest in it quickly- I let her play with it, but put it away if other kids were coming over because I didn’t want to be the one to expose other kids to it. I bought other types of dress dolls to fill the void I thought the Disney stories were petrifying growing up- Evil step mother- poison apple- going to sleep and not waking up… yikes! At first I thought that I wasn’t going to allow any commercial characters, but when I saw how many of DD’s preschool classmates had it- I bent for dress up and the like but not on watching the actual videos. I don’t think it’s a problem to know the characters names.

And I would not allow my child to say “ich…” We have quietly said “it’s not for us” be it secular culture or non kosher food etc.

amother

Oleander

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 3:19 am

Whatever you decide about allowing characters in your house is not the crazy part.

The mistake you made is telling her that it's Queen Esther. It's no big deal but as part of a pattern it could become a problem. The pattern is called " trying too hard".

If you can get away with no characters, wonderful. If you decide characters are allowed in your house, that's also fine. But when you can't keep the characters out of your house but are trying to pretend them away anyways, that's where trying too hard comes in. Trying too hard led you to be inauthentic with your child.

Remember, your family who is not religious is part of her life. It's not fair to her either to make her feel confused or guilty about it.

I'm sure by now if you've been a BT for a bunch of years, you've learned how to smooth over some of the rough edges by being tactful and prioritizing. Being tactful in this context might look like buying her a toy she likes better and putting away the old one. Prioritizing in this context might look like deciding not to talk about it and just let her be.

Please don't feel guilty, it's a tiny little thing that doesn't make a difference. You just don't want to set this up as a pattern of how you deal with things.

ETA: to summarize, it's not which boundaries you have but how you handle them that makes the difference. Every community has its own ideas of appropriate, but good parenting is how you enforce those - and sometimes let them go.

amother

DarkOrange

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 3:31 am

Like others said this is so community dependent. I wouldn’t allow my kids Disney characters like the princesses (though my pre schoolers have played with Minnie Mouse and paw patrol toys). I’m in Lakewood , but not super Yeshivish, and would be surprised to see a frum child here with a character shirt for example

amother

Pink

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 5:40 am

BT here. We raised our kids yeshivish in a large OOT community and didn’t allow any characters. Our kids went to the more right wing school and this was pretty standard. It’s not extreme, it’s just regular in our circles.

Now that our kids are adults they think we were too chilled because we let them watch clean kids’ videos and encouraged them to read appropriate secular books! I think it’s because of the school they went to.

amother

Opal

Mon, Jul 15 2024, 7:08 am

I dont really like my 3.5 year old knowing about princesses and disney. My mother just got a tonie box for her and got her some cute characters like elmo, cocomelon songs, charlie and the chocolate factory etc.
My daughter will slowly understand that some things we do at home and some things we dont. I think its ok to have some boundaries with your mom. I told my mom I dont like barbie but not from a frum POV, moreso the standards and beauty standards it sets etc.
My family is a big part of my childrens lives. My daughter doesnt watch TV at home unless its before shabbos and on toveedo but she knows when she goes to safta and saba she can watch blues clues or something. I used to be so much more balck and white but chilled out a bit. Nothing will happen if she watches for a bit when she goes.