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↑ tichellady

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 7:36 pm

Puppies wrote:

I’m curious why- her kids are young adult, so no strollers or paraphernalia and she’s not expecting grandkids in the next three years.

Why can’t you go to Shul or friends without carrying?

I could but I don’t want to. I like to bring water, tissues etc if I’m going on a long walk and I like to have guests who have young children etc without worrying about them being able to come to my house

amother

Stonewash

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 7:36 pm

Eruv is such a not big deal. If you don't have a walking baby I wouldn't even think twice about it.

A half hour week 2x a week is good exercise. It's fine.

amother

Watermelon

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 7:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

OK, I wasn't going to share but you really have a point, so I will (without giving exact location):

New City, near Lady Godiva Way and Prides Crossing (I promise -- I didn't make up these names!), near Tamarack and parallel to Congers.
Some of the houses are still in the 800s range, although anywhere closer to a minyan, such big houses in solid condition and curb appeal would be well over a million. It's a quiet, nice, flat (not Hilly) neighborhood with some Jewish (albeit unaffiliated) neighbors. I even saw a "We stand with Israel" sign!
Only five minute drive, you have the main street with ShopRite, Stop & Shop, Chase bank, pharmacy, gas station, Starbucks and New City's library! About 15 min drive to both Bingo and evergreen uptown for the Jewish supermarkets. About 10 minutes from the Palisades Mall (many activities for kids, plus kosher burgers!)
This area is also only minutes away from multiple parks, including three state parks! It really has everything. All it needs is a few more nice people like *you* and a closer shul.
Are you all coming Smile

?
OK, I totally feel like a RE agent right now, so I'm going to stop. Enough said.

I live in Haverstraw/Pomona area, right near Evergreen Uptown. It's exploding, and we hear about people moving to New City all the time, it's only a matter of years before your neighborhood is bustling.
We have an eiruv here, but I grew up in Flatbush, without one ever, and I second what the earlier poster wrote- it didn't really affect our lives except when we had a small baby who kept us homebound. We walked everywhere without carrying stuff, and the men would take what they needed to shul before Shabbos. It was really not a big deal. In fact, it took me a while to get used to the fact that I can carry here, I felt so wrong at first!

ETA: Your MIL needs to just stay out of it. None of her business about the distance for heaven's sake. If your husband is fine with it, and you are, those are the only two parties who have a say.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 7:45 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

It would be really cool if you got your new neighbors and a minyan from this post.

Yes, it would. If someone wants me to message them privately, I'll even share with you my RE agent contact info. She's 'one of us', very experienced and knowledgeable. Even more importantly, she's really sweet, responsive, and patient. I tried two other agents before her, and she's a keeper!

amother

↑ Lightblue

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 7:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

?
OK, I totally feel like a RE agent right now, so I'm going to stop. Enough said.

I'm in another part of New City. And as I posted up thread it took us 4 and 1/2 years.

CPenzias

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 8:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

?
OK, I totally feel like a RE agent right now, so I'm going to stop. Enough said.

My brother and sil live in New City and they had babies and no eruv. They hired someone to push the stroller so my sil could go to shul. Now there is an eruv so it will eventually happen. You have to be patient but that's not the hill to "die" on. It's annoying for sure but I'd personally do it. My kids are big and my husband would drive to shul and leave his tallis bag there.

jflower

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 8:53 pm

Your house sounds lovely. Wishing you and your family hatzlocha and mazel. Enjoy your new home.

amother

Clear

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:08 pm

OP, we did what you did, in a different community. We bought a house just outside the eruv, getting a beautiful home with much more space and yard and comfort than we could have ever afforded in the middle of the community. We’re actually less than a mile to shul, actually much closer than some people who live in the eruv area.

we did a ton of research before deciding to go for it. My husband talked to every possible person to find out if when and how the eruv could be extended to incorporate the area. We felt confident that it would be possible as long as someone (ie us) put in the blood sweat and tears to make it happen. We’re willing to do that and be without an eruv till then but most people aren’t. My husband has been working for almost two years to get the eruv built and iyh it will happen but may be another full year or so.

The fact is that eruvin don’t just expand by themselves, and they rarely get expanded to a new area where people haven’t yet moved into, in hopes that people will move there. It’s expensive and very complicated to build an eruv and most people never realize the amount of work and time it takes.

The reality is that any growing community will outgrow the eruv and it takes people willing to take a chance and do the work to create new neighborhoods. Everyone can’t sit around waiting for others to do it. Maybe this can help you reframe how you feel about your decision. I guess a question for you is… is someone working to expand the Eruv to your neighborhood? And if so, are you willing to help make it happen?

There are trade offs to being “the first” in a new area/outside the eruv, absolutely. My youngest was a toddler but walking when we moved and we aren’t planning another baby so I felt confident with that. But there are lots of people with little kids we can’t invite on shabbos. We try to make it up on Yom tov and we still regularly have guests but it takes some planning.

We felt like we were taking a big risk with the move and I worried people would think we’re weird. At the beginning I think some did but now I hear all the time people saying that as soon as we get the eruv up they’ll be first in line move over where we are.

For me, I don’t regret it at all, I love my house (and I simply couldn’t afford in the main area, and I’m so happy I avoided the heartache people go thru trying to find a house and competing).

amother

Springgreen ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:12 pm

I live in New City. As of this past September, the eruv was extended and does include that area!!

Boca00

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:13 pm

Where I used to live, the Rosh Yeshiva did not allow the kollel members to use the Eruv. We lived like that for 10 years with little kids as did everyone else.
We didn’t live so far then but were home a lot and we managed.

Now we live 20 min walk away from shul and my husband and small kids walk it (he still doesn’t carry).
Maybe have your husband do a test run and he’ll see it’s not so bad? He can drink before and walk there on a random day.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:35 pm

amother Springgreen wrote:

I live in New City. As of this past September, the eruv was extended and does include that area!!

Oh wow!!! That would be amazing! I couldn't figure it out from the Eruv map, but we're going to call tomorrow and find out. Will keep you all posted Smile

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:41 pm

Boca00 wrote:

We drove tested it (I know -- not the same), and it is all level, and a big part of the walk actually has a sidewalk. The initial part does not, but is on quiet streets without much traffic. We saw other houses that had shorter walks to shul but involved going up steep streets, crossing busy roads / highways etc. or having to cut through woods. So even though the walk may have been only ten or fifteen minutes, I would be a lot more nervous waiting for DH to return on a Friday night, especially in the winter, as compared to a longer walk that is on a safer route.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:49 pm

amother Clear wrote:

This! We couldn't take the bidding wars any more. We would go into an Open House and there would be so many other families there, mostly frum, that I would get dizzy and feel discouraged. We offered substantially above asking price and still had our offers declined time and again. The only houses that were standing for awhile usually had something wrong with them, or they were 'flipped' houses (bought by an investor, renovated cheaply, had a garage that was turned into a bedroom -- often without permits etc). We were looking for a very long time, and this house felt like it was meant to be. Everything worked out smoothly and quickly and it felt 'Bashert'.

amother

Green

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:50 pm

This sounds stressful so sending hugs… but just some perspective- until 20 years ago- many communities didn’t have an eiruv. In fact, I grew up in boro park and we only got an eiruv (as far as I recall…) about 25 years ago… I was in HS and it was fairly new. People managed… many people until today don’t use an eiruv and there are ways to deal with it.

Also- Mazel tov on this purchase! It should be with a lot of Mazel and Brachos!

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:53 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

Put the ball in his court. Let him know that if he really is having second thoughts about it, you will support him looking to back out of the contract assuming you can do that legally. If the only downside is the deposit, then its a kaparah and move on.

Sooo, I actually tried it (thanks to *you*!), and he responded right away: "No, I don't think it was a mistake". So this is just an adjustment for everyone, and I feel hopeful that it will turn out just great B"H. I really want to thank all of you for your support today, and let you know that you really made a difference with your nonjudgmental attitude and words of Chizuk. I appreciate you! Thank you!

amother

Valerian

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

?
OK, I totally feel like a RE agent right now, so I'm going to stop. Enough said.

New City? With the way Rockland is expanding, I can't see you stay alone for very long. The first 2-3 neighbors come along slowly, and then the dam breaks and people come flooding in. So you just need patience to tough it out for a bit and then you'll reap your rewards.

I had a classmate who did similarly (in a different location). She bought on the outskirts of town (with no Jewish neighbors) for just a few hundred thousand dollars. She was ridiculed by many, but she is the one who got the last laugh. About 3 years later people started following suit, and it's now the hottest neighborhood. She sold her home for well over a million dollars and bought herself a beautiful large home elsewhere.

Hang tight (and daven for siyata dishmaya)

amother

Aquamarine

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

🤣😆🤣
You really cracked me up here.
And I am actually dreading the comments she'll make about it (distance to shul) once she comes and visit. We kept the buying of the house a secret until after we were fully in contract for fear that she would somehow jinx it. (She knew we were looking but we didn't offer details until after it was a done deal).

One of her first questions when we told her, or maybe even the very first was how far is it from shul. We were in the car and DH was driving and eating ice cream, so it was left to me to respond to her questions. When I answered honestly that it's a half hour walk and she didn't take it all too well, DH was upset with me for telling her the truth. A. I try very hard to tell the truth whenever possible. B. It's not like she wasn't going to find out, so it's not the sort of thing you can be 'diplomatic' about.

a half hour walk is really not that long!!

B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 10:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

We just signed a contract on a beautiful house. The house is about a mile away from where the frum community currently is. The nearest shul is 1.5 miles. I know that's far, but my husband was OK with that, as he is a great walker, and our children are young adults at this point. The RE told us that her hunch is that this is the next neighborhood to turn over (I prefer not to give location, as people IRL know about our move, and I do not wish to out myself), as the houses are big and beautiful and relatively still affordable.

Although we could have bought a smaller, not as nice house in an area that is closer to a shul and the frum community, I really felt at this point in my life that I needed a house that I would find appealing. I am not a fancy person, but I felt I needed this for my mental health, and also hopefully for the future when our family expands -- I would like to be able to host my kids and grandkids comfortably over shabbos, YT etc. We decided that we are going to take a gamble, and if in three years from now, the area is not developing in the right direction, we may sell and move to a more Jewish neighborhood. It is a really great house, and we feel that it is a good finnacial investment that we can't lose out on.

Some family dynamics: MIL has been putting me a bit on a guilt trip about the move (taking away DH from her...), to the point that I cannot be alone in the room with her, as she waits until there is no one else there in order to corner me and say things that, albeit subtle and not a blatant accusation, are making me uncomfortable. She knows that the initiative to move was more mine that DH, and she is holding me responsible for this. Now she is also holding me responsible for the fact that DH will have a far walk, as if he is a child and was coerced into this. When we lived in their town, DH walked a further distance every shabbos to visit them, and she obviously had no objection to that.

So we signed the contract, and gave a deposit, and are pretty much locked in. Today, we just realized that we assumed there is an Eruv in that neighborhood when there is not one as yet in fact. It may take years before the city extended the existing Eruv to include this neighborhood. So now DH is walking around with a sour face, and it is starting to impact my mood.
I am not trying to be selfish, and obviously the distance from shul and lack of Eruv are going to effect him more directly than they effect me, but I was feeling excited about the upcoming change. I really needed it, and it is hard to know that he feels like we may have made a mistake. I too have my own fears about will the neighborhood actually pick up and become more frum, but I am trying to stay positive. I am having a bit of a hard day today with this, and could use some support please.

Buyers remorse is normal. So your husbands feelings are totally normal. I hear two problems, your MIL and the eruv.
Your MILs feelings are hers, and hers alone. She has no right to mix into your marriage. Smile and wave at her and reassure her you love her. She cant hurt you if you understand her perspective, she wants you close by and that simply isnt conducive to your healthy marriage. Dont make her problems (controlling you) into yours. Understand that her problems are hers to deal with and dont play her games.
You can put up an eruv if you want, especially if you are hosting young children. Or you can be Mekayam the mitzvah and not carry - I did that for many years. It just means checking pockets before leaving the house. Yom Kippur leave machzur in shule, motzai shabbos Tisha bav, leave shoes in shule. etc. Your dh should have investigated the eruv and not assumed. But since he didnt, he will be an adult and deal with this. Its not such a big deal. He can drive to shule Friday before Shabbos and drive home Motzai Shabbos so the walk is easier. Make Friday night meals special for him so he knows you appreciate his efforts.
Regarding the future, only Hashem knows whats going to be. In the meantime, enjoy the home. Even if its just for 3 years.

amother

cornflower

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:08 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

Years ago we were in a similar situation, I put the ball in his court exactly as you described. He decided to back out despite the financial loss. Half a year later, he regretted backing out. We never found a home we liked as much as that one. Of course he blames me as if I was the one who wanted to back out. Hindsight is 20/20.

amother

Whitewash

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:09 pm

Both our sons bought in new communities. They were the second or third couples. Walked far to shul. Fast forward 2 years. Minyanim all over. Eiruv for those who want. Mikvaos. Kosher supermarket. And their houses are worth triple. Don’t regret. As for mil- she simply is afraid of change. It gets harder as you get older. She is using the distance to shul and eiruv as an excuse to keep away the new change in her life. Just assure her that she will be more than welcome now that you have more space. And she will get to enjoy nachas.
Mazal tov and Hatzlacha. May you see many brachos in your new home.

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