In contract; having second thoughts -- need support

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amother

OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 2:13 pm

We just signed a contract on a beautiful house. The house is about a mile away from where the frum community currently is. The nearest shul is 1.5 miles. I know that's far, but my husband was OK with that, as he is a great walker, and our children are young adults at this point. The RE told us that her hunch is that this is the next neighborhood to turn over (I prefer not to give location, as people IRL know about our move, and I do not wish to out myself), as the houses are big and beautiful and relatively still affordable.

Although we could have bought a smaller, not as nice house in an area that is closer to a shul and the frum community, I really felt at this point in my life that I needed a house that I would find appealing. I am not a fancy person, but I felt I needed this for my mental health, and also hopefully for the future when our family expands -- I would like to be able to host my kids and grandkids comfortably over shabbos, YT etc. We decided that we are going to take a gamble, and if in three years from now, the area is not developing in the right direction, we may sell and move to a more Jewish neighborhood. It is a really great house, and we feel that it is a good finnacial investment that we can't lose out on.

Some family dynamics: MIL has been putting me a bit on a guilt trip about the move (taking away DH from her...), to the point that I cannot be alone in the room with her, as she waits until there is no one else there in order to corner me and say things that, albeit subtle and not a blatant accusation, are making me uncomfortable. She knows that the initiative to move was more mine that DH, and she is holding me responsible for this. Now she is also holding me responsible for the fact that DH will have a far walk, as if he is a child and was coerced into this. When we lived in their town, DH walked a further distance every shabbos to visit them, and she obviously had no objection to that.

So we signed the contract, and gave a deposit, and are pretty much locked in. Today, we just realized that we assumed there is an Eruv in that neighborhood when there is not one as yet in fact. It may take years before the city extended the existing Eruv to include this neighborhood. So now DH is walking around with a sour face, and it is starting to impact my mood.
I am not trying to be selfish, and obviously the distance from shul and lack of Eruv are going to effect him more directly than they effect me, but I was feeling excited about the upcoming change. I really needed it, and it is hard to know that he feels like we may have made a mistake. I too have my own fears about will the neighborhood actually pick up and become more frum, but I am trying to stay positive. I am having a bit of a hard day today with this, and could use some support please.

amother

Mustard

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 2:55 pm

Put the ball in his court. Let him know that if he really is having second thoughts about it, you will support him looking to back out of the contract assuming you can do that legally. If the only downside is the deposit, then its a kaparah and move on.

amother

Mint

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 2:59 pm

I gambled and bought in a new neighborhood. It’s 3 years later and it’s flourishing. We didn’t have an Eruv for a year and half and it really didn’t impact us that much. He drove his stuff to shul before shabbos and left his car there so he can drive home motzei shabbos. It’s really not a big deal and really doable.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 3:45 pm

amother Mustard wrote:

Not sure it is legally possible, and the deposit was pretty significant, so it would be a major Kapparah. But I like what you said about putting it in his court. It cannot be on me that he didn't think to ask about an Eruv... I don't think he is actually blaming me for it. Maybe he is upset at himself, but I just want to move in with a positive attitude, and I hope that we can do just that B"H.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 3:46 pm

amother Mint wrote:

Thank you so much for this! It is really encouraging to hear, and I am very happy for you and hope that the same will happen for us too Smile

amother

Honey

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 3:53 pm

I grew up without an eruv, and lived in a place without an eruv in the first few years of marriage. It was just normal that you couldn't go out carrying on shabbos. Little baby that couldn't walk, well you were home all shabbos with them. And I was fine with it. It was always on me that we didn't have the eruv, and it didn't really affect dh. He walked out the door to shul, leaving me with the kids. He could go learn somewhere again not needing to worry about the kids. He would wear his tallis to shul.
Tbh currently I rarely use the eruv as I'm just not used to one, even though we're living somewhere with one for years.
I think the way your mil is acting is showing it's a good thing you're moving further away from her.
I also think it's quite natural to have second thoughts. Buying a house is a major purchase and life decision. It makes sense to be a little apprehensive about the unknown. I had second thoughts when we were having issues with the contract and it was dragging out. Now we've been living in our house for a long time and I'm so happy with it. We went slightly out the main area to have larger living space and back yard and I don't regret it. Within a few years a shul actually opened up right round the corner and most of the nearby houses are all Jewish.

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 3:55 pm

Are there any frum people on your block or neighboring blocks?

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 4:23 pm

amother Firethorn wrote:

Are there any frum people on your block or neighboring blocks?

The closest frum family is 8 minutes walking distance. Then there are two other families but they are a lot more modern than we are (as in the woman doesn't cover her hair, wears pants etc). No judgment but it's just different. We are jpf, not very yeshivish or Chasidish but getting along with everyone for the most part. There is another house a few min away that's pending and may be bought by frum but I'm not sure. We can invite people over for shabbos, and I also enjoy my quiet and just reading and relaxing on Shabbos. And during the week, you just take the car. So the main issue is really just the distance to shul.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 4:27 pm

amother Honey wrote:

Thank you for your very validating, encouraging response.

And your point about mil is right on target, but this isn't the place to elaborate...(And there's guilt involved too as they're aging, but for once I decided to make a major life change that I really needed to make for my well-being, despite the possible ramifications for others).

amother

Midnight

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 4:28 pm

Buying a house is very stressful. It comes with lots of second thoughts and many bumps on the road. From my experience, once we moved we enjoyed our new more spacious home and all the cons almost slipped away.
Your mother n law shouldn't be mixing into your business like that.

shachachti

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 4:29 pm

1.5 miles is nothing.
We walk to shul that distance on a regular basis and its considered normal especially if its flat.

The lack of Jewish neighbors is an issue but the minute there are 2 yidden somewhere nice the place will fill up faster than you can imagine.

Tell your mil she's invited for shabbos so you can have company and she can take her son to shul in a big buggy.

And btw, everyone has buyers remorse. Its how the world of buying a house works.
Iyh you'll like it.

amother

DarkYellow ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 4:32 pm

Wondering if you can make a shul in your house or one of the neighbor’s at some point.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 4:44 pm

shachachti wrote:

🤣😆🤣
You really cracked me up here.
And I am actually dreading the comments she'll make about it (distance to shul) once she comes and visit. We kept the buying of the house a secret until after we were fully in contract for fear that she would somehow jinx it. (She knew we were looking but we didn't offer details until after it was a done deal).

One of her first questions when we told her, or maybe even the very first was how far is it from shul. We were in the car and DH was driving and eating ice cream, so it was left to me to respond to her questions. When I answered honestly that it's a half hour walk and she didn't take it all too well, DH was upset with me for telling her the truth. A. I try very hard to tell the truth whenever possible. B. It's not like she wasn't going to find out, so it's not the sort of thing you can be 'diplomatic' about.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 4:46 pm

amother DarkYellow wrote:

Wondering if you can make a shul in your house or one of the neighbor’s at some point.

Yes! Totally on my mind as it's a big house (we used to live in a much smaller one), and there's room! It would be a privilege to host it in our house once there are enough people.

erm

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 7:00 pm

If you mention the area, I’m sure you will have many people checking it out and you’ll get Jewish neighbors! Many people are looking for areas that are just starting out so they can get affordable nice homes!

tichellady ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 7:19 pm

Eruv would be deal breaker for me but that’s between you and your husband

Puppies

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 7:23 pm

tichellady wrote:

Eruv would be deal breaker for me but that’s between you and your husband

I’m curious why- her kids are young adult, so no strollers or paraphernalia and she’s not expecting grandkids in the next three years.

Why can’t you go to Shul or friends without carrying?

amother

Lightblue ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 7:27 pm

I moved to a new area and it took 4.5 years to get an eruv. Bh it's up now. Dh was very involved and it took lots of time and money and politics till it was up. I would still do it again as I bought for way cheaper and bh my house is worth triple what I paid.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 7:31 pm

erm wrote:

OK, I wasn't going to share but you really have a point, so I will (without giving exact location):

New City, near Lady Godiva Way and Prides Crossing (I promise -- I didn't make up these names!), near Tamarack and parallel to Congers.
Some of the houses are still in the 800s range, although anywhere closer to a minyan, such big houses in solid condition and curb appeal would be well over a million. It's a quiet, nice, flat (not Hilly) neighborhood with some Jewish (albeit unaffiliated) neighbors. I even saw a "We stand with Israel" sign!
Only five minute drive, you have the main street with ShopRite, Stop & Shop, Chase bank, pharmacy, gas station, Starbucks and New City's library! About 15 min drive to both Bingo and evergreen uptown for the Jewish supermarkets. About 10 minutes from the Palisades Mall (many activities for kids, plus kosher burgers!)
This area is also only minutes away from multiple parks, including three state parks! It really has everything. All it needs is a few more nice people like *you* and a closer shul.
Are you all coming Smile

?
OK, I totally feel like a RE agent right now, so I'm going to stop. Enough said.

amother

↑ DarkYellow

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 7:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

OK, I wasn't going to share but you really have a point, so I will (without giving exact location):

New City, near Lady Godiva Way and Prides Crossing (I promise -- I didn't make up these names!), near Tamarack and parallel to Congers.
Some of the houses are still in the 800s range, although anywhere closer to a minyan, such big houses in solid condition and curb appeal would be well over a million. It's a quiet, nice, flat (not Hilly) neighborhood with some Jewish (albeit unaffiliated) neighbors. I even saw a "We stand with Israel" sign!
Only five minute drive, you have the main street with ShopRite, Stop & Shop, Chase bank, pharmacy, gas station, Starbucks and New City's library! About 15 min drive to both Bingo and evergreen uptown for the Jewish supermarkets.
This area is also only minutes away from multiple parks, including three state parks! It really has everything. All it needs is a few more nice people like *you* and a closer shul.
Are you all coming Smile

?
OK, I totally feel like a RE agent right now, so I'm going to stop. Enough said.

It would be really cool if you got your new neighbors and a minyan from this post.

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