Should I say anything ( regarding touching)?

amother

Sat, Jul 06 2024, 10:07 pm

I was reading to my kids on the couch with 9yr ds next to me (along with others). Trying to fit all the kids next to me and on my lap, I guess I must have mistakenly brushed my elbow right near or even for a second on his private part. He then took my arm and rubbed it against himself there a few times and said something like it feels good when I put my arm over there. I didn't know how to react to that so quickly pulled away but tried to make it seems like I did that just to pick the baby up from the floor....
On my end I'm feeling a bit yucky from that encounter and I found myself recoiled a bit when he cuddled up next to me later (although I hid it).

Should I bring this up again with him? If yes what should I say?

amother

Lotus

Sat, Jul 06 2024, 10:15 pm

Say it was a mistake and your didn’t realize you touched there by accident.

And body’s are private and no one can touch of someone wants to they have to go to privacy?……

amother

Silver

Sat, Jul 06 2024, 10:58 pm

It's probably time to have a conversation with him about his body.
Normalizing his feeling so doesn't feel ashamed, yet still helping him understand that it's not ok for anyone to touch him there. (Or for him to touch anyone e else)
Make sure to let him know that he can come to you with any further questions.

B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Sat, Jul 06 2024, 11:10 pm

What is your goal here?
You dont want to encourage or make him feel embarrassed about what happened.
I would move on and ensure it never happens again. Perhaps your 9 yr old is too old to be cuddling up to you. Its an individual thing. He would figure out at some point that tactile stimulation of his private parts is pleasurable so thats normal. Now that you know he is aware, you need to put boundaries.
Ensure the younger kids are sitting next to you when you read to them and say - Moshe make room for Chani, she is smaller and cant see over you... Or read to them at the table with everyone sitting on their own chair , or on the floor as they do during reading hour at the library.
If he brings it up, - I would just reiterate whatever you have told him about his private parts being private. Or have dh (or uncle etc) tell him.

amother

DarkGray ↓

Sat, Jul 06 2024, 11:19 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

No I don't think it's an issue that her 9 year old is cuddling with her or sitting next to her on the couch. Your suggestions are baffling.
Read books only at the table?
Have an uncle tell him that his private parts are private??

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya ↓

Sat, Jul 06 2024, 11:23 pm

amother DarkGray wrote:

I would normally agree with you but since this happened, she might consider boundaries.
As a grandmother when I have to read to more than two kids, I always do it either at a table or floor so everyone can see comfortably Whats weird about that?

You thing she should continue cuddling with him knowing he may take her arm and use it for tactile stimulation of his privates?

amother

↑ DarkGray

Sat, Jul 06 2024, 11:28 pm

B'Syata D'Shmya wrote:

These are her kids. She should hugging them and cuddling with them.
This does not have to be able on-going thing or a big issue. If it happens again, she can tell him that no one else should be touching him there, even though it may feel good. End of story.

Cherryblossom1 ↓

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 12:27 am

In our frum circles we teach boys from a young age not to touch that part. Explaining that the bris is very holy, shouldn’t be played with, to hold it with their pants when they have to make etc. but we’re chassidish, I’m not sure what’s the type of talk or education given on this in other circles or what’s OP’s preference.
But I think it brings up another question that would be necessary to discuss with him and that’s him chas v’shulem being touched by anyone else inappropriately or him touching other boys. You should give him a talk that doesn’t scare him, but helps him understand that such a thing is not appropriate and if it would happen, he must tell mommy about it

↑ B'Syata D'Shmya

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 12:43 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

Please define cuddling with a 9 yr old son. Not all 9 yr Olds are at same stage if development.

comfort

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 6:26 am

I had my younger boy hugging and touching his 11 year old. 11year old told me 'mummy x is not normal, he touched my private part'. When I was alone with him I told him nobody may touch that area as its holy and if anyone does want to you- must quickly run away and report him. Is there anything else I should tell him or that's enough?

amother

Clematis

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 6:32 am

I'd advise against describing anything as holy or unholy when talking about body parts. Instead, I'd keep the topic focused on personal safety and appropriate behavior.

amother

NeonGreen

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:27 am

My husband teaches the boys at about age 8 that violence is not condoned, but if someone else deliberately touches your private parts, you are allowed to punch them and you should tell a parent. I tell the same to the girls.
Obviously, we talk about privacy and safety much younger but at age 8 it gets more real. The boys take it more seriously coming from a father.

shachachti

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 9:38 am

Yes you should acknowledge that it felt good for him and that its not ok to do it.

Chaim oh yes it makes sense that it felt good but we don't touch there even if it feels good because it is unhealthy (or whatever hashkafa phrase you have.)

There's no reason to connect this to hugging a mother. Its not the same thing at all.

↑ Cherryblossom1

Sun, Jul 07 2024, 11:23 am

amother Clematis wrote:

I'd advise against describing anything as holy or unholy when talking about body parts. Instead, I'd keep the topic focused on personal safety and appropriate behavior.

I have to disagree on this. We don’t describe body parts as unholy, but for a Jewish boy/man his bris is actually holy no matter what hashgufeh you teach them. The bris is the symbol of the covenant between a yid and HaShem. And a boy should know that, it’s a holy place and should be educated on treating it with respect and on shmiras habris.