Which nusach for dd

amother

OP ↓

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 12:44 pm

Her father is no longer observant unfortunately and she's not sure whether she should daven his nusach, or mine as I went back to my parents one.
The rabbi said she can choose.
She doesn't know what to choose.

What shall I tell her?

amother

Raspberry

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 12:50 pm

Why do you need to tell her anything? The rav said it's her choice, but did he give her a deadline? Why must she choose now?

She can wait and think about it, try both, see which speaks to her more, see which one they use in school or whatever social groups she's part of. Wouldn't she ultimately use the one her future dh uses? It's rather discombobulating to use a nusach different from the one followed in the shul you daven at.

Iymnok

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 12:51 pm

Which does she feel comfortable with?
Please make it clear to her that you won't feel like she's betraying you if she chooses different. The most important is that her tefilla feels meaningful to her.
And get her a beautiful siddur in her nusach.

If you have both around, let her try them and choose without pressure.

BEZ"H when she gets married she'll take on her husband's nusach.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 12:54 pm

I asked the rabbi a while ago and she's indecisive so asked me as she obviously feels unsettled not having one she's required to follow until she gets married iy"h. It's still some years until then. She's 11 only.
We don't go to shul very often.

amother

↑ OP ↓

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 12:56 pm

Iymnok wrote:

She's worried about taking sides, exactly. But I told her it's her choice, it's not taking sides.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 1:07 pm

I would never have even brought it up!

Let her daven what they daven in school, without addressing sides.

And I'm really sorry for your little girl that she was even put in this position. Why does her nusach have to be a thing??

amother

↑ OP

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 1:11 pm

amother Pearl wrote:

It's a 'thing' because she is a serious girl ka"h and brought it up. She wants to know. Its a question all my dc have asked. And some make decisions easier than others.

Believe me, life is complicated enough, I am defenetly not looking to make things into issues!

amother

Eggshell

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 1:24 pm

My Father changed Nusach when he went to yeshiva and changed country.
Our rav said each child can chose when they are Bar/Bat Mitzvah which they want
Some of us did like school and some did the other.
Unless you are talking about Ashkenazi to Edot mizrach the changes between Askenaz and Safad is very little.
She should do what she is comfortable with. Some of the girls have a different nusach to their husband if they didnt want to change.

amother

Buttercup

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 1:27 pm

I would go with whatever she’s been davening until now, it’s hard to change. We asked a shaila and our girls daven the nusach of their school even though we don’t. We didn’t see a need for them to change especially since the nusach of the school is the more common nusach in our community.

Tzutzie

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 1:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

Being that she asked you and seems undecided, it's your obligation to guide her to make a good choice.
If I were you, I'd tell her to go by the nusach of the school for simply practical reasons.

amother

Birch

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 1:29 pm

I can see why it feels like she is taking sides. I would tell her she should follow her fathers nusach because that is the minhag. It doesn't matter if he is otd. It goes back many generations. You will help her off this hook she feels like she is on. But it is normal to daven with whatever nusach your shabbos shul does whenever she is there.

Help her let the guilt go. And iyh when the chassan comes she will happily take any nusach he has.

NechaMom

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 3:53 pm

This would only be a question if the school uses both and half the class does one and the other half the other.
Otherwise, of course do what they do in school.

amother

Lime

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 4:27 pm

amother Dodgerblue wrote:

Whatever she says in school.
I never knew people change their nussach when they get married.

It's accepted to take on your husband's Nussach.

I actually had that question because at the time I got married DH was Davening Nussach Ari, but I based on the direction he was going I knew that he would likely eventually switch to Sfard (which he did during Shana Rishona, no I didn't make him do it). DH wasn't pressuring me to take on his Nussach, but I asked Rav Dovid Goldwasser and he said to me "I hear your dilemma, but I have a hard time telling a Kallah not to take on her Chossons Nussach. DH was very happy that I did so. My joke is that within a year I went from Ashkenaz (my father's Nussach) to Ari to Sfard.

amother

↑ Dodgerblue

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 4:37 pm

amother Lime wrote:

Never knew. 99% of my community daaven nussach Ari.

(A family in the school I went to <lived> they Daavened their nussach sfard while e1 else Daavened Ari)

Kinor Dovid ↓

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 4:58 pm

Just want to give a shout out to OP!
This ain’t easy I’m sure , you sound like an amazing mom and amazing person.
Chazak v’amatz!

↑ Kinor Dovid

Wed, Jul 03 2024, 4:59 pm

As far as I know when something doesn’t “work” with one’s father’s minhagim one takes on the mother’s.
Same with last names.