Only got a vague voice note so I didnt go

amother

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 2:46 pm

A former friend, now someone Im friendly with but we only chat every now and then sent me a voicenote last week telling me she'd love to see me at her upcoming simcha. No evite. Not even a copy/paste of the evite. She told me the date and time and the caterer, which is vague (it's a catering company who uses various halls and she did not specify where this would be). She said they had a whole issue with the evites so she cant send me one. She said she'd love to see me and left it at that.

I did not go. I assumed it was not really an invitation, rather she was sharing her simcha with me and being polite. A real invitation would have had the information I needed to attend.

She is hurt and offended.

I said only I'm sorry I did not make it, I heard it was lovely.

What should I have done? I'm not sending her anything, there is nothing taking place over shabbos.

amother

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 2:52 pm

ChutzPAh wrote:

You got a personal voice note! That is more personal than an evite. And she said there were problems with the evite. Why wouldn’t you believe that? Looks like you are looking for problems where there aren’t any. Sorry.

I got a VN with a name of a caterer and no location.

Cheiny

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 2:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

Not sure you want to hear the hard truth but since you ask, it sounds like you were looking for an excuse not to go. If you had cared to, you’d have called her and asked her to clarify and give you the necessary info so you could attend.

I don’t blame her for being upset. I think you owe her a more genuine apology. It sounds like you believe your decision was justified because you felt she didn’t leave you clear info. Obviously she had to make a lot of those calls and was busy and probably overwhelmed. It was on you to follow up and ask for info if it was important to you that you show up for her.

amother

Electricblue

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:23 pm

I'm with OP. Who forgets to say where the event is and only mentions the caterer? Doesn't sound like a sincere invite to me. Though, yeah, OP, why didn't you ask where it is? BCuz you didn't want to go so it didn't matter. You want permission not to go? You got it.

amother

Denim

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:26 pm

amother Electricblue wrote:

Who forgets to say the location??
A busy ba'alas Simcha whose evites got messed up, that's who!

happy chick

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:49 pm

I agree with the others that it was a real invite. She didn't call you an hour before the simcha as an afterthought. She looked up your name/number and left you a personal invite. She made sure to tell you the date/time and by accident forgot the location. You could have asked her to clarify.

But, now that it's over, to u can have a conversation with her and tell her how you really felt. If she's a good friend, she should understand.

ebmother

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:50 pm

Don’t beat yourself up too much over this, OP! I have done the same thing. I have a friend that often says things like “One day we should take the kids to the park. Maybe over summer break?” Or “You should come for shabbos soon. Maybe next week or the one after?” And I’ll say something like “Oh, yes, that could be fun!” thinking it’s just a general idea since we didn’t finalize any details and I will go a long time without hearing from her afterwards. However, she will then think that the interaction we had equates to solid, nailed down plans which I don’t realize we have and gets her feelings hurt.

It’s hard for me because my brain is not wired that way. I have learned to overcommunicate with her when it comes to plans and be EXTRA sure. Maybe you could try that in the future! But you’re not crazy, I get where you’re coming from.

happy7

Fri, Jun 28 2024, 3:53 pm

I understand why you didn’t go.
You weren’t quite sure the invitation was sincere. It seemed like it was an after thought to let you know there was a party.

in addition, from the perspective of someone who made a BM last week, some people don’t show up. Even people you really expected to be there. It is hard to tell someone, I am disappointed that you didn’t come. But it is also your right not to show up.
you don’t owe an excuse.
and next time, you will know that your presence is meaningful to her.

Cheiny

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 2:51 am

ebmother wrote:

A vague suggestion about going to the park over the summer is hardly the same as an invite to a personal simcha. Apples and oranges.

amother

Lightgray

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:33 am

happy chick wrote:

I don’t know
I once got a voice message at midnight inviting me my son to her kids bday party.

I came looking like a nebach while the whole party looked dazzling and all the biggest donors of the community were there.

I looked extremely out of place and thought No way they got their message at midnight…
So I can also get OP.

I also don’t really accept last minute invites in general when I know other people got them in advance.

amother

Bergamot

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 3:53 am

I'm wondering if the fact that Op described the baalas Simcha as a former friend has anything to do with why she thought the invite may not be sincere. There must be some history there because if this was a true friend with whom op felt truly comfortable I'm sure she would not have hesitated to call for clarification.

amother

Oatmeal

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:15 am

op I agree w you doesnt sound like the most real invite. im not sure what the simcha was but unless it was a bris or something of the sort people send out invatations way more in advance then 1 week. you were obviously a last minute thought. even if the evite was broken so she should have sent you that text when she invited everyone else. also I get it shes making a simcha but she doesnt have 1 minute to at least send u a proper text with all the info?? she obviously had the time for that, thats just silly.

amother

Bellflower

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 6:53 am

Idk, OP. If she called you and left most details in a message, I can't imagine she would waste her time doing that for a "fake" invite.

One time a friend I had not really kept up with sent me a picture of her wedding invitation the day before her wedding. Not an evite (I don't think that was really a thing yet) or even a screen shot or neatly scanned image. It was literally just a photo of her hand holding her wedding invitation and no message - not even I'd love to see you there. I'm pretty sure it was only to kabbalas panim/chuppah, or just dancing, which I guess makes sense, because the day before a wedding, you're not really ordering more catering.

It happens to be, I was working an evening shift at work the next night. In order to take off last second, it would have been my job to find a replacement. It was usually a huge hassle to even find another staff member to agree last minute, and then it feels like you're calling in a favor and you owe them. Not to mention, even if I found someone, it was still frowned upon by the higher ups to just take off with very little notice, and I preferred to save doing that for things that were worth it to me. So I didn't go.

But on the flip side, I can't imagine the former friend would have been offended that I didn't show. She clearly didn't really care. In your situation, it seems like she went out of her way to make sure you knew you were invited after her evites messed up.

amother

Mauve

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 8:05 am

Honestly, in OP's situation, I would absolutely assume I was a B-list invite. As in, the friend realized she was not going to have as many people as she thought (very plausible this time of year, a lot of people go away) and moved on to her list of people who didn't make the first cut to try to fill the room. That doesn't mean I wouldn't go as I don't think having a B-list is some grave offense, but I don't think there's any mistaking that that's what it is. It's most certainly an invite, so you'd be doing nothing wrong by showing up. You've also done nothing wrong by not showing up. An invitation is not a summons. You go if it works and you don't go if it doesn't, and you don't owe her an explanation. And she doesn't really have the right to be upset. If you were that wanted, you'd have been on the A-list. And even if it was 100% true about the evite glitch, if you're getting informed that close to the event, she has to assume that there's a decent chance you have other commitments and might not be able to make it.

amother

Electricblue

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 11:10 am

amother Mauve wrote:

. This. Although I once got a wedding invite suspiciously close to the wedding and declined because I assumed it was a B-list invite. I hadn't even been informed that my friend was engaged! Many years later I learned that the circumstances were unusual, the wedding had in fact been arranged "bechipazon" and it wasn't a B-list invite at all. But I hadn't spoken to the kallah in some time and was unaware of all of this.

Cheiny

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:11 pm

amother Oatmeal wrote:

And what is she had to make that “1 minute” call to 200 people because for some reason the invites weren’t received for whatever reason?

Cheiny

Sun, Jun 30 2024, 4:12 pm

amother Mauve wrote:

.

Wow, full of assumptions. Not very conducive to having meaningful friendships…