By collecting tzedaka you're raising everyone's standards!

amother

OP ↓

Tue, Jun 25 2024, 11:39 pm

I really think tzedaka should be collected for necessities. Not luxuries. When you collect tzedaka for luxuries, they become necessities.

Here's what I mean:

I can't afford to send my kids to camp. It's fine. I fargin those who can afford it. I have one daughter who really could use it this year, mostly because nearly every one of her classmates are going. So I'm not sending any of my other kids to day camp, and doing round robins and camp Mommy to keep them all entertained. This way I can cover the cost of her overnight camp.

But there are so many "camp funds". They're not for kids in special difficult home situations who need to get away. They're for anyone who can't afford it, or claims they can't afford it. The camp funds only give a few hundred dollars generally, but just recently, someone called me and asked me to donate to help raise money to cover the entire cost of camp for a kid I know whose parents can't afford to send her. I felt like saying "okay, so her parents don't have the money, why does she need to go?" By raising money for so many kids, it becomes a "thing" that everyone needs to go.

Another example:

In my community they give out yom tov outfits to children of rebbeim and kollel. My husband is a Rebbe, so my kids asked me why we don't get. I told them that right now I can bh afford to buy everyone in the family one or two new outfits for yom tov, and we don't need to take. My daughter said "Oh, but Sara told me that she gets a few new outfits every season, and her mother takes one of these outfits for her to use as an extra one."

Great, so by raising tzedaka money, you have now raised the bar as far as how many outfits each girl needs.

These should be WANTS not NEEDS!

CAMP, SEMINARY, EXTRAVIGANT WEDDINGS......the list goes on and on.

One day soon I'm going to be asked to donate for pesach hotels for the nebach families who would otherwise stay home.

amother

Burntblack ↓

Tue, Jun 25 2024, 11:43 pm

Agreed. A local hachnasas kallah organization has been sending out mailings and calling for donations . The mailing included the list of necessities they make sure that kallahs get.
MOST of the items on the list I did not purchase as a kallah on a budget because I considered them luxuries, not necessities. I was really surprised. Later that week my neighbor mentioned that she threw the pamphlets away real fast before her daughter in shidduchim would get ideas…

amother

Hibiscus

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 12:20 am

A home does not have to be difficult in order for camp to be a necessity.
The biggest example I can think of is for a teenage boy. Please don't say that he can get a job in a day camp as a counselor because he will have nothing to do from 4 pm until midnight. It is crucial that a teenage boy be sent to a wholesome environment where he will be gainfully busy in a kosher way.
Yes, this is a necessity that sometimes requires parents to raise the money.

amother

Birch

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 12:35 am

In general I agree with you that there are some tzedaka organizations that do have the effect of raising standards (especially some Hachnosas kalla organizations). However I happen to disagree with both of the examples you gave. If buying you children clothing means you have no money left to send them to day camp, you should not be ashamed to take the clothing offered to rebbi’s families. And if you feel that sending your daughter to sleep away camp is important enough that you are keeping all your other children home in order to afford it, then you should not feel uncomfortable taking from a camp fund.

On another note did your daughter look into being a mothers helper in a camp? That’s what all the girls used to do who couldn’t otherwise afford it. They get to sleep with a bunk and do some activities but have hours where they watch staff kids.

amother

Stoneblue ↓

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 12:53 am

We should close down all the organizations that provide extras!
Thank you for raising such an important issue.

I was in hospital recently with a relative and I was disgusted how there was a cheesed room with kosher food for me. Really I should have to be hungry or buy a granola bar in a vending machine. Now they are upping the standards and making people expect to eat real food that’s kosher in NY hospitals.

Also, chai lifeline’s camp simcha. Just disgusting. Sick children don’t need over the top camps. They just need medical care.

Chaveirim. Close that down. Normal people wait hours for AAA. If you can’t afford the time or money for AAA then you shouldn’t have a car. Chaveirim is upping the standards.

amother

↑ Burntblack

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 1:10 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

No need to be so sarcastic. No one was saying to stop doing chessed.

OP was pointing out that there is gray area-
- as to WHERE to draw the line
- and possibly some tzeddakah money not being allotted on an as-needed basis.

NO one was saying that camp simcha was not necessary for sick kids , or that chaveirim shouldn’t help people who are in a pinch. Or that people in hospitals should not have kosher food.

But when tzeddakah is used in a pampering way, maybe there can be some budget shifts.

Here are two THEORETICAL analogies : Since you mentioned Bikkur cholim - yes there should be kosher food. Now imagine if instead of their kitchens , they gave daily gift cards to a high end steakhouse .
Since you mentioned chaveirim - imagine if people were allowed to call the volunteers to help vacuum their cars because the crumbs were annoying.

Now, similar things with other organizations have been occurring.

I personally have seen brochures for hachnosas kallah literally giving luxury items . Of course hachnosas kallah is necessary. But how many thousands of dollars worth of jewelry is necessary. Does the linen need to be the highest of high end ? Does a chosson need his suit to be designer or can it be from a store where many middle of the road people buy their chosson suits.(Really the specifics that shocked me most I did not include because I don’t want it to be obvious which organization I am referring too. This is food for thought, not a call to publicly put down any individual or group. )

amother

Rainbow

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 1:19 am

amother Stoneblue wrote:

I hugged and liked your post because I agreed with what you said just not how you said it

My motto is, if someone is desperate enough to be “begging” for something, which the Torah recognizes as embarrassing (as do most people), then they obviously need it for whatever reason. It’s important enough to them that they are willing to ask for handouts or accept them. I have no issue helping someone who needs something that badly, even if I don’t understand why it’s important to them

The only tzedaka I have an issue with (and still donate to) are the countless campaigns for widows and their families. People, especially parents, need to start being responsible and getting life insurance. It drives me crazy that so many people are too irresponsible to plan for their death and instead rely on charity from their communities that could otherwise be going towards other organizations or families, ones that couldn’t have so easily prevented needing those funds

amother

↑ Stoneblue

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 1:38 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

Thank you! Everyone is entitled to give their tzeddaka where they choose.

With life insurance I think there are some misunderstandings.
Not everyone can get life insurance. With some health conditions no life insurance will agree to cover someone.
I know people personally who had life insurance policies. Before father died the family had so much medical debt from using the top doctors to try to save fathers life that the life insurance payout went to medical bills , the debt family collected while father was sick and unable to work, and funeral costs and they needed to fundraise to keep family on their feet.
I do think there needs to be more talk about getting life insurance as soon as you get married while it’s cheep just so till your kids are grown up you have a safety net.

amother

Pink

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 7:16 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

Even with life insurance - it takes some time until the families see the money and a million or two million dollars is often not enough for the family long term.

Op there was a letter in the Mishpacha about this recently and I do think we’d do well to re-examine “necessities”

No just tzedakahs. Every one of us at our own level. For example, I don’t wear clothing with prominent logos. BH we occasionally have money for a splurge- I’ll choose something that others won’t know the price.

I try to live my life low key and buy low key for my kids as well, so as not to raise the standard for ourselves and others

lamplighter ↓

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 7:52 am

This is a discussion my friends and I have had many times. When the tzedaka organizations give vouchers for free clothing at local boutique stores that only the wealthy can afford, or expensive chol hamoed trips or hand out tons of meat and salmon, they are raising the standard of living. If this is what the poor are receiving then the standard for everyone else was raised a bunch of notches. Then kids are asking for what everyone else has and the truth is that the wealthy has these things and the poor have these things and the middle class is struggling to keep up.

amother

Mocha ↓

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 8:00 am

I have a sibling that doesn't have success in parnassa. Its debatable whether he ever gave it an honest try but that is not the point here.
His kids live a much more luxurious life than my kids do. They all go to camp, they go to extra curricular clubs, they have all the programs, get free Jewish store clothes, they get amazing food packages for Yom tov, and they have beautiful simchos.
We don't get things for free, we have what we can afford.
I'm not resentful but these aren't necessities, that are luxuries.

amother

Steel

Wed, Jun 26 2024, 8:01 am

I do agree that tzedaka shouldn't be for luxuries. But clothing isn't a luxury and you choose not to take offers of help. Camp is not a luxury for everyone.

Regarding the hachnosas kallah...some places kind of make it seem like they give better stuff than they do. And I don't mean it in a bad way at all. But I got when I was a kallah from a well known organization. It was not the trendy and new stuff like you see in the brochures. Some was from those companies they advertised but it was old closeout stock that they prob got a great deal on. The linen wasn't the new styles...it was probably what stores had left and were able to give them for very cheap. I am extremely grateful for their help and I bh bh pay it forward now and can donate to the organizations that helped me. But they aren't going to write in their brochures...we give the leftover styles and cheapest quality stuff. They need to market themselves so people will donate. IMHO they do a huge chesed for ppl who can't afford it and to me, as a recipient it does seem like they use their funds wisely.